fae polendina {d1 - fin}

I am a programmed career.

The day I was born, my father knew exactly who he wanted me to be. I was a blueprint of something great; a career machine, proud and mighty. Someone with a mastery of weapons and battle tactics. Someone who wouldn't be distracted by friends or any drama associated with being a hormonal teenager. He taught me how to ignore all of that, how to make my training a priority. We started when I was five - survival training. How to ration, how to use the earth's resources, how to identify every plant my father grew in our greenhouse. He wanted me to be a super computer of endless career knowledge, so he had me memorize our entire library. I can recite a lot of information from those readings.

It took a long time to realize that we were an oddball family. He was a single father who adopted an orphan so he could have a career child. That is what he says, but I know he had other reasons too. He cares about me like any father would, he just has unique ways of showing it. I don't think he has ever been the affectionate type. Neither am I, if I'm honest (and I always am). So, I understand him perfectly.

Even though it was a lot of work learning the skills my father wanted me to learn, we could still set aside time for fun. Father gave me toys that his own father had passed down to him. Most of them were puppets - arms and legs attached by strings, and with a flick of my wrist I could make them dance. That's how I knew father cared about me; he gave me toys I would like.

What I lack in strength I can compensate with dexterity and stamina. Father calls me a walking daffodil when I'm out of training, and a silver bullet when I'm fighting. I think his blueprint is different compared to what I am now, but we're an adaptable family. I just wish he would me more flexible. He wants me to focus all of my energy into training, and I do! But I've seen that there's more to life than being a fighter.

I want a friend.

Father taught me how to wield swords, cook meals, label poisonous plants, shoot targets, and a plethora of other skills, but I don't know how to make a friend. Father says because I'm not a normal girl, I shouldn't try to have friends.

Why am I not a normal girl?

I'm a skeleton with tendons, ligaments, muscles, a nervous system, a heart, a brain, and everything else. I have hair, teeth, eyes, smiles, emotions, just like everyone else. I know I'm strange because I collect puppets and breathe the career lifestyle, but I can be a normal girl. Father wants me to be special, and maybe I am, but Fae is a person too. I do want to be a warrior like his blueprint says, but I want to be a socialite too. I want friends to bond with - they don't even have to be careers! It would just be really nice to have someone else to talk to besides father and his puppets.

So far, I have a lot of trouble communicating with people. I'm not shy; I always approach with a smile om my face! But I think I make people uncomfortable with how cheerful I am. That's the type of feedback I've gotten, at least. I can't ask father what to do because he doesn't want me to have distractions, so my social life is a trial and error experiment. It's confusing because everyone smiles when they say hello, but too much smiling is considered strange and inappropriate. I think I have to find a balance.

Our goal was never to enter the Hunger Games. Father hasn't spoken to me about volunteering, and I still have a lot to live for. So, maybe I can focus less energy on my career training, and more energy on fun!

I may be combat ready, but I still need to experience the world.