swords and siblings // puppy [blitz]

It's awhile before I come back to life again, fulls becoming crescents and a thin line of white before they reignite and a dreamer's mind for another occasional time

snaps

them back into boiling hot reality.

I feel it, liquid rock splashing about in the pit of my stomach and daring to burst out in the form of a

scream.

It's come back again, I see images of Pillar and Scout's corpses and Justice being trapped in the grip of white aspens, bottle of alcohol down father's throat and mom with a stare just as sharp and cold as this knife, my hand

clenches

around it and the other joins it in balled up unity,

(You're a fucking FAILURE, Diorite--)

I raise it upwards until the blade is between more rock,

(You will NEVER be the Career that they want you to be--)

Turn around until I face yet another dummy,

(You will die the way you live and you will die the way you volunteered for the Games--)

Worthless.

Weak.

A fool.

Cry of anger and I

launch,

the knife now deep within its chest. Deep breaths, I quickly try to compose myself when I hear her voice behind me.

"I hope I can have as much talent as you when it comes time to go into the arena."

Turning around, I look at her curiously and with surprise; processing her words I then shortly after doing all this shake my head at her and frown.

"...That's...not talent," I confess. I look down at my feet, clasping my hands together and extending them to in front of my thighs.

"That's built up agony."

[ table made by rave <333 ]

I envision smoke out our mouths when we release air, and this girl lets out a puff of some at my response.

"What sort of agony would you have? You lived in the district of luxury."

An innocent question, but still it

drips

with disgust.

She's right to lace it with such disapproval, but yet she is not.

I am a girl surrounded by privilege, glamour and beauty. Jewelry almost clear as mirrors and letting the sun's rays bounce off their surfaces, garments with such innovative styles we can truly dress to express; there's more than enough food, water, and other necessities to go around that other districts otherwise have to fight for.

But, I am also a girl who wishes to

dance

under the sun's naked form instead. A girl who wants to see unique sights the fireball's mother has to offer, a girl who desires peace of mind and peace of bond between us all as we happily share objects of survival between each other in an orchestra of harmony.

I hear the painfully unfamiliar sound of metal

screaming

for accuracy as a knife clatters to the floor and find the girl, having used mine to try and display such a feat but she couldn't.

She is a girl who wishes to be just like the Careers, and it's just all too painfully

familiar.

Sighing, "I wish I had whatever pent up agony you have."

Face of a girl just as lost locks eyes with the other in its own glimmer of disapproval.

"Don't be surprised that weak souls can even be found within the rich. You don't want to have one of your own, you're just as privileged as I was before this to carry one within you: pure as the sun and strong as your will.

In reality, you are luckier than I've ever been."

[ table made by rave <333 ]

I think I'm too lost in a world I wish to live in to be more conscious of my feelings and judgment calls.

She laughs at the word "lucky", and she has every right to do so. She was not meant to be well off with her existence, how could she possibly be lucky?

"I'd count myself as the opposite of that."

But so would I.

I understand perceiving the Career districts as people with no hearts, no souls, no minds--only a purpose to wipe out anyone and everyone who gets in the way of their crown.

Yet there were still tears on Justice Fray's face when I volunteered, there was still agony in Opal Earnest's eyes when she watched her husband fall dead in the Games, there was still regret and sorrow bursting out of Topaz Ross's soul when she had to kill the love of her life in the arena.

A lack of understanding on her end leading to a lack of understanding on mine.

But all we both really know are the worlds we live in, hers a bleak life of tedious dailies as her loved ones fall right before her eyes--mine a battle between the real and the fake, thinking, wanting,

hoping

to see everyone smile with such sincerity but our lives just don't work like that.

Deep sigh, I look down and speak so gravely it's as if I'm painfully succumbing to reality and leaving behind the stars, the flower crowns, the laughter and joy.

"...You're wrong about me...and I was wrong about you. I've forgotten luck works miraculously instead of commonly. The district of luxury offers everything you all could ask for, but hurt is still a permanent resident for us careers. You and everyone else unlike us, it's as if you were all meant to suffer from the very beginning of your existence...

...But you are not the only ones who do, and don't you forget that."

And I might as well, but I need something to hold on to to keep myself from being

swallowed

by my own destruction.

[ table made by rave <333 ]