No More Hope Left [Harbinger one-shot]

It started eight years ago when Crusader was reaped for the sixty-eighth hunger games. Being who I am, I had the hope he would win, but he didn't, and now I'm forced to live with his killer. It hurts, it stings, and yet I put on a happy face when I see her because I know what it's like. I know what she went through. It just doesn't make it any easier. And then watching Katelyn win hurt even more. Why did she get to live while my brother died? Then in the following game Kirito won when all the odds were pinned against him. It left me wondering why? Why did Crusader have to die, but Katelyn and Kirito live? Why them? Wasn't my brother good enough? I know the answer to that, but it still runs through my mind.

When I thought all was lost, I met a girl, Navya. A train crashed, and dozens of little tiny cats were dumped in the district. We helped clean them up, and we even kept some for ourselves. Getting to know her made me happy, it made me forget about the pain that was holding me back. She was the light in the darkest of nights. And to this day I love her more than she'll ever know. I just wish I could tell her that. And then I thought it was all going to end when I was reaped for the seventy-first games. Every day inside that arena, I kept thinking of her. All I wanted to do was hug her. To see her. To be near her, and it kept me alive. But when I won, all I could think about was why am I alive while my brother, Crusader, is dead?

And then everything started falling apart. Iain was reaped along with a young Carrita. I knew going in one would definitely have to die, but I couldn't save either of them. It's my fault for winning that Iain was reaped. A punishment to make a show out of what happens when a district gets too much hope. And god I didn't even know the two very well, but I miss them more and more with every single day. If that wasn't bad enough, my brother was reaped for the seventy-third hunger games, and when I left, Navya was due to give birth at any moment. And I wasn't able to save Weaver. I watched him die. I watched Iona die. Why try anymore? Why try when all it does is end with great consequences. I wasn't even home when Vera was born.

Then the dumb bachelorette thing for Katelyn happened, and the Capitol almost tore apart my family. I hated them for it because right then Navya was the only thing keeping me going. Knowing that Vera was at home kept me going. I wanted to see her, hug her, hold her, look into her eyes and find the hope I needed. And it worked for a little bit anyway. But then came Desi and Drake. I was safe for the year of the seventy-fourth hunger games. But at the same time my heart was there. Watching them die hurt, but didn't hurt anything compared to the pain I experienced the two years before that. I knew going in it would be tough, but I threw my mind away, turned off my heart, but knowing I still failed as a mentor hurt. But my family was safe.

Until Tamron volunteered for the seventy-fifth games. He was so close to winning. He survived to the finale, but they didn't want him to win. They swarmed him. They ganged up on him. And then he died, and his killer survived. I hate her, and I want nothing to do with her, but I know she did what she had to do. I just can't stand looking at her. Tamron was so, so close, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't good enough, and I couldn't save him. I shouted it at the reaping when he volunteered that I couldn't save him, but it was too late since he already threw his hand up sentencing himself to die. But with his death came the life of triplets. Two boys and a girl. I love my little family. Navya, Vera, Madhav, Manwe, and Mandira. They keep me going more than anything in the world.

And now I'm standing here unsure of what to do with my life. I don't care about anyone else because my family is all that matters. Kirito is like a brother, but he seems to care more about meeting with victors, becoming mayor, and I just want to keep my family safe. I'll do anything to protect them. I just feel useless. Like it doesn't matter because winning the games only cursed me. Maybe Iain and Carrita wouldn't have been reaped. Maybe Weaver and Iona wouldn't have gone into the games. Maybe Drake and Desi would be here. Maybe Tamron wouldn't have volunteered.

Katelyn took the alcohol away from me, but she's nowhere to be found, and I just want to down so much of it right now. I feel like I have nothing to live for, yet I have the entire world. My family. They're the only reason I wake up every morning and keep myself going. I don't know what I'd do without them. I don't want to lose them, and I'm afraid I can't protect them. I can't save them. I can't do anything right. I just know I want my children to have both a mother and a father, and it's for them. But it's hard living when ghosts keep holding me back. I wish I knew what to do because nothing is working anymore. I've tried, and I failed, and it's only a matter of time before I fail again. As long as I have my family, I'll keep waking up. I'll keep living. They're my everything, and I honestly have no clue what I'd do without them.