Pain Without Love {CoS v Berserkers}

Shaky fingers run through my hair as I force myself to keep running. My insides are churning, and my nose feels like it's on fire from the vomit leaking through it. I must've looked like a fool, yet it doesn't really matter because I'm not even truly cared for. Part of me wonders what Panem thinks of me, especially the Capitol since they're keeping a close eye on everyone. What about my so called mentors? They didn't offer me any advice - I doubt they would care if I died. Two are dead. The girl from four Atlas murdered, and then another.

I want to know who the second cannon belong to.

At least it wasn't mine.

I'm just a pathetic kid trying to stay alive. Trying to see another sunrise that can only happen outside the arena since it seems the moon is lighting the way. I miss the sun and how it feels on my skin on a hot summer day. It's hard fighting in the dark. Trying to keep everyone in this little alliance alive.

Each breath I suck in through my mouth freezes my lungs. It's been so long since I felt this cold, and it's only reminding me of my time locked away in the tiny walls of the detention center. I guess I deserved it in a way, but now that I'm here all I want is for those memories to go away.

The grass is tall, and it's impossible to see over them, yet I keep running through them. Teeth chatter against one another, and I know I need to stop. A fire would help, but a fire isn't my friend anymore. Here it's the enemy. Nobody wants to spend time dancing around a fire sharing ghost stories with one another. Can't roast hot dogs or marshmallows.

It's just a dream in a world laced with nightmares.

That's all this is. Darkness with spooky creatures lingering about. Maybe it's one of those stories someone will tell around a campfire long after I'm gone.

It's still hard to believe I watched a person die. I understand it had to happen, and I'll see many more die because it's all apart of this sick game. I hate it here. I hate what it's done to my family. It tore us apart. It made me into a liar.

Or maybe I just made myself into one. I don't know.

Either way, I'm brandishing a weapon to keep myself alive because I don't want to die. I have so much to live for, and I'm sure that everyone else trapped inside this place does too. What makes me different? Why am I condemning all these teens to death? Everyone has a story, and I'm sure none are ready to write the end as their life fades and a cannon sounds.

I'm still not sure how long we walked before we called it quits for just a few hours, but I took the time to patch up Rhaegar even if he didn't want me to. The gaping hole in his chest looked awful, and I'm not even sure if my stitches will hold it together. At least I tried. At least the bleeding is stopped. Maybe it'll give him a hint that I'm not willing to fight him. Maybe it'll help him understand everything that I've been doing.

None of it matters anymore.

I’m just another dead man walking.

But when the anthem plays, I find relief in knowing Clementa is still alive.

I carefully sneak away long enough to take a leak because some privacy is needed.

It’s just another day trapped in darkness. Chills run up and down my spine as I try to rest a little. The ground is hard and cold, yet it’s nothing compared to the hard, cold ground of a tiny cell hidden underground with metal slabs for a bed.

The new moon turns blue, and it’s only slightly visible, but it doesn’t compare to anything I’ve ever seen. It let’s off a blue hue lighting the way. It’s almost unreal, and then I remember it’s created by the gamemakers to give a show. It’s just another fairytale trapped in a fictional world.

Tired eyes rest on the pond. It looks so cold and dark, and I want to stay away from it. I want to back away while I still have a chance, but something about it draws me in. It mesmerizes me.

I close my eyes and finally drift off to sleep only for the sound of footsteps to wake me up moments later.

Within seconds, I’m on my feet preparing for another fight. I twist a star in my hand, eyes darting back and forth from person to person. Rhaegar and Atlas are being attacked, and I need to do something. I’m glad that I’m being left alone for the time being, but I feel bad because these two have already given me so much.

I take a deep breath, icy chills burning my lungs as the air enters my mouth.

I get the feeling someone is going to die again, and I have to make sure it’s not the two men who’re sacrificing it all to somehow keep a pathetic kid like myself alive.

These people are brave, and I am nothing more than a coward hiding behind someone stronger than me. Rhaegar stared death in the eye, and I ran the moment I got the chance until I was far enough away to lose everything inside my stomach.

Vomiting brought me one step closer to dying.

The thought of death sends chills up my spine as the fighting continues on. It's only the beginning, yet I'm so ready for it to end. We're caged, hungry animals, and they've given use the chance to fight because only one can live. Only one survives the hunger games. They want us to kill, to destroy each other. I don't think I'll ever forget watching Samson fall. I'll never forget listening as her cannon sound. She's a human, and none of us deserve this - not even the ones who volunteered. This is the last thing on my mind as I've quickly realized slaughtering pigs is nothing compared to killing someone.

The other tributes are human beings, and I don't want to steal their life from them.

And I can hear what's being tossed around - I turn until my gaze locks on the male from eight. Welcoming a fight? All I want is to live, and to keep those I even slightly care for alive.

Rhaegar and Atlas.

I'm not worthy of standing in their presence as every part of my being tells me to run. Avoid fights. Find a place to live until only one other remains. That was my plan, but it went away the moment Rhaegar found me quickly followed by Atlas and Josephine. I never asked for anyone to stay by my side, yet it seems someone made a mistake. Rhaegar so cocky and confident and foolish acts like death can't reach him. He's taken blow after blow, and yet someone he still stands.

It's the same thing with Atlas.

Why am I any different than them?

Why am I not being attacked?

Don't they realize that I deserve to die?

I was given a second chance at life the moment I was released from the detention center, and I've tried living it. I've tried becoming the man Ma wanted me to become, yet I keep failing. Every second is a mistake. I know the man I need to be, and I can't live that in here. The only way to fully live my second chance is to somehow make it out of this alive. To return home after everything happens.

I promised my family.

I promised myself.

But that doesn't mean I won't break it - I've broken many.

Another star twirls in my hand. Rhaegar and Atlas need me. They need me to come up strong. I close my eyes for only a moment asking Bailey and Esme to aid me. Together we can become strong. Together the three of us can take on the world. Slowly exhaling, I lift the tiny knife to my lips where I give it a kiss dedicating this to them for all the help they've given me.

As long as I'm still breathing, there's still a way.

I take a deep breath allowing every ounce of air to fill my lungs, I exhale -

"I'll welcome a fight if it means keeping these three standing by my side alive."

- and then I throw.