Wild Heart [Gilly's DP]

⚜

Is it finally my turn?

(Right through the heart.)

It’s poetic, I think.

I was never brave, not like how the rest of them turned out to be. I walked in an imaginary world, with imaginary people. They’re bigger kids, but—kids all the same. They’ll never grow up (none of us will). I thought that maybe things were different, when I watched the fire burn with Gabe, or braided Mercy’s hair. There were the soft and quiet moments under a two mooned sky that made me more of a real person, not just a flicker of imagination.

(It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would)

If we’re meant to die, I wanted to think there’s a point to all of it. We fought and we struggled, and scraped and stood and kept going, even when the odds were bad. I don’t think I ever believed I’d make it, and maybe that was my first mistake. The second was probably falling in love—with a place that was part of my dreams, with people that would only get hurt. People that I couldn’t save, that wanted to save me.

(I didn’t need saving, I just needed to know that they were there)

I don’t have any hate (I don’t have a heart left to hate with). Just a numbness, and cold—I should be sad, I think. Or bitter. I can feel the tears, and that it hurts to breathe, but… I can only see the sky, the blue, the world that’s not even real. It’s fading, just like me. They wanted me to go, I think. A little girl that was running around, outstayed her welcome and surprised. I wasn’t like the rest of them, not in my mind, anyway. We had all done things to get this far, some with regret, some not. A chill runs up my side and I think the blood is soaking through my shirt. My throat tastes like copper pennies. I don’t want to slip away, and I fight and think about how I didn’t choose to be a part of all of this, I was picked.

(You could’ve died before this, if you’d wanted)

But I fought. For myself, to prove that I could do this. I wasn’t just going to lay down and die, especially not on account of some kids thinking I didn’t have it in me. For my friends—for Mercy, who’d never let me be too silly, that reminded me that growing up meant sometimes things weren’t fair. For Bella, who kept me safe and warm even if she hadn’t known me. For Dymas, that was brave enough to stand up for me—even if he didn’t feel it in his heart, I hope he knew it didn’t matter how the others saw him. His worth could never be measured in the minds of people so small.

(For anyone to matter, do they have to die?)

For Gabe—

I feel the pain in my chest, and I can feel the ache fill my throat, pooling with blood.

I didn’t want to let him down, not when he gave up everything for me to live another day. It was more painful to die knowing that he wasted his chance to save someone like me—I never needed to live to feel I was whole, for my life to matter. I had a mother back home that loved me (and loves me still; mine will be a cross she visits with the rest of her children). A father that called me the gillymonster, that let me ride on his shoulders and brushed my hair. It’s funny how I can smile, and be warm when the world is so cold. But I’ve seen what love is, what it means not to come from a damaged home, to be broken and twisted up into something monstrous. Love is knowing you exist for each other, not just yourself. And that you don’t exist for others at the expense of their happiness—you exist because of, not in spite of that.

(You won’t know their pain, and they’ll never know you)

Let me set sail to a new world.

I’m scared to leave you all behind, but that’s what adventurers do. We’re never satisfied in one place, with the same people and ideas. What a silly way of life, no challenge or effort. I’d rather go through the pain a hundred times, if it meant that I’d be a better person. Maybe Gabe will join me as my first mate again, maybe Mercy will hoist the sails. We’ll see those distant shores, we’ll dance around fires with strange people, and strange beasts. And I’ll see them just as they see me, all at once, forever.

(It’s a nice dream, I think)

I’m ready to move on.