alone with no hope [theodore oneshot]
Dec 6, 2018 22:55:52 GMT -5
Post by Tom on Dec 6, 2018 22:55:52 GMT -5
☾
Teddy Ursa was afraid.
Fear had driven him for years and years. Fear of death in the seventy sixth. Fear of life in his past. Fear of losing himself. Teddy's lived with fear attached to his heart for as long as he could remember. Always a cut out piece of him that attached itself to his heart with a resounding beat that sounds through his skin and ears. Always a man who ran and ran when he was younger, until he couldn't run no more. Until the stakes got high enough that he could feel the collapsing of himself in a moment's notice.
This day had started the same. A wealthy wake up that he felt he never deserved. Avoxes holding out items as if he were some crowned king among the civilians. A wave to them and he's alone once more in the soft sheets and heavy feeling on his head. Light peering into his room through the blinds reminding him that he lives a nightmare and never a dream. Eyes close for a moment as the sounds of kids playing in the streets rings in his ears. The sounds changing to his mother's screams and the feeling of pain in his heart. A revolving echo of the storm that took everything he once knew away. The friendly naming from his ma and then the inevitable crash of death and his own words ringing his name to the world, despite not being an Ursa no more.
The sounds of the Seventy Sixth still finds him every so often. Whether it's the erupting of molten rock or the gentle sound of waves lapping at the shore or even the bristling of leaves in the rainforest, he still lives with this fear in his chest. The thrum of Chester's heartbeat in his ear, Wendell Gordon's snicker, Emberly's pain, Ree's anger, and Lux's viciousness. Already a victim before a victor, he knew that was the truth. No one will see him as a victim. All of them only see his kills and what was shown on the screens around Panem.
Fingers splayed out onto the sheet, removing the presence from his body as he sits up coughing out to the afternoon air, humming to himself afterwards until he moves out of the bed. Arms sliding into sleeves and legs slipping in pants, he leaves the room where sleep comes the easiest. Moving to the living area of Six's floor, he waits to here for Star, but she's doing errands as she had told him the day before. A silent room to himself is all that he needed before he could go work on sponsors and visit others who may want to see him. Possibly get a new bottle to ease his fears that reside in the back of his mind like an approaching sickness waiting for his guard to fall.
All sorts of time at the capitol, he spends on watching the games. Not like he has much else to do in a foreign place that didn't belong to him. The day is different from his own, but he can feel the pain in his heart at the sight of Parson in general. Day four was a hell for Teddy Ursa himself. The day where he lost his limb and deserved to die by Wendell Gordon's blade, but Chester had saved him from himself. There's nothing he could ever do to thank Chester for everything that he's ever done for him.
Parson's frustrating in every way that the victor from six hates and loves. Young boys growing up impatient with their words and wants, playing games like the innocence still resides in their souls. Parson's always been something else in his eyes. Never able to put it to words on his own tongue, Teddy had ignored it for so long. Always the type to be shy in front of both Parson and Jacob, but they still liked him back then. Pirates, knights, and games that children picked up from years of imagination. Always meeting by the fountain outside of the graves where the haunted live and nightmares reside for Teddy Ursa.
"I never thought I would be the first one to die, y’know."
Children facing the truths of a world that collapsed before they could even grow up into men with lives worth living. Parson's words on the train still filter in his ears every second as he sits on this comfortable cushioned couch. First to die. Cub, Pan, and Teddy. One of the three thought of which would die first in the future. Despite it all, Teddy knew that the truth was all of them would die eventually. Even at a young age, Theodore Ursa had known that the Hunger Games were just as likely for any one of them.
Almost as if he were teleported to a time when he was younger, he can remember a time long ago. Small children running on the streets chasing one another like the world wasn't a dark and pity filled place. A young Pan is running in front of him laughing like the world wasn't out to get him as if the anger of the present doesn't carry onto his shoulders. Always the captain of the ship in Teddy's eyes, but never told out loud. Those eyes that stare back with so much life in them and makes his own brighten in happiness. Parson had a way of doing that back then. Always making his insides feel all mushy and like his parent's awfulness didn't mean anything.
And they run and run as Teddy tries to reach his friend. Never once being able to reach the boy who seemed to make the world better as if he were in the center of the universe for a young Theodore before the storm took his life away and created Teddy Ursa, the victor of the Seventy Sixth. A gulp of air as Teddy Ursa is thrown back into the present as he watches Parson yell of lack of manners for introductions to one another. As if they were forced to follow a certain guided path that was created for each and every person there.
If only Parson's guided path lead back to Teddy Ursa, only to give him a second chance at making things right.
Or was it a third time now.
Either way, the screen focuses on the fight once more. Blood spilling between broken hearted tributes. Violence that no once can deal with as their mental states shatter. He's been there. He's seen it. It's not pretty. It's not good. Someone will die before this bloody fight breaks away. A sight of Parson is all he needs to see in order to get his heart beat pumping swiftly. There's a lump in his throat that wont go down no matter how much he swallows or coughs. A silence of the sixth floor where Teddy sits on the cushioned couch with fingers tightened around his thigh as his body shakes in fear.
Fear always lingers on his skin, especially when he feels like he's going crazy. Crazy with the past in his chest and the present on his mind and everything else crashing around him. Karma is his collapse. Lingering like the feeling of Emberly's eyes on the sunrise that makes him feel so numb on the inside. A daydream of the past that he doesn't need right now when he can see Wander from District Four push forward until it sounds.
All he can see is red.
Blood red that soaks a spear that almost glitters gold in his mind. And it's happening too quickly. Jaw left in shock as Teddy feels his heart beat move faster. On his feet now, he can only feel the red. Wendell Gordon's snicker in his ear reminding him that he needs to be afraid. Afraid of everything because despite his own games being over, there were more to come. Unlike Ansel, Teddy doesn't drink. Unlike Aeson, Teddy doesn't scream. Unlike Serena and Vesper, he doesn't throw something. Unlike Ezekiel and Faline, Teddy doesn't frown. Instead he stands up and watches with careful eyes.
Watches as Parson falls now. Watches as Wander pauses before being pulled away by someone else. Watches as Angel grabs Parson. Watches as Parson tries to breath and speak words in his throat. Watches as he lets out the only word that makes any sort of sense and it strikes Teddy in the heart like the glaive Wendell Gordon should have stabbed through him with.
"TEDDY!"
"N-No...."
The word feels rough against his throat as he can feel tears running down his cheeks that he couldn't remember himself letting happen. Boys born impatient, but fearful they end. Teddy's feeling dizzy as he can't feel the weight of his legs almost giving out from right under him. This couldn't be real. This couldn't be what was meant for Teddy Ursa. Meant to be stronger than the crybaby from the start. Always able to come out to the sun and still try to smile away the pain on his chest. All it takes is a small boy with pretty eyes and strength that made a younger Teddy's chest feel mushy.
All it takes is losing that glint for Teddy to feel like the world finally lost the spark that there was hope.
All it takes is Parson Cham to yell his name as Angel holds him and then speaks the truth that he never wanted to hear.
Parson Cham was gone.
No more pirate games. No more saving what had been their friendship. No more memories of a little boy who lead the way through a darkness. No more hope filling Teddy's heart, all that's left is dust. Dust that blows away as Teddy falls onto the cushioned couch grounding himself back to the world that exists with him in it. He needs something to take away the remains of what was his truth.
Deep down, his heart hurts and his eyes water.
Feet take him now as he pushes off the cushioned couch and into the halls avoiding eyes of avoxes who know nothing of what just happened. No rights to watch the death of the one person he wanted to see everyday since he remembered his life from before. The one person who held him to a standard different from the rest, but treated him like the person he used to be. Treated him like he wasn't just some crown, but a victim of the crown that Theodore Ursa carries on his shoulders.
The door to his room opens instantly with just a soft push. The room that wasn't Teddy Ursa's but Parson's before everything was lost. Before everything was taken away from him. All he can do is hear the echo of his name across Parson's lips. Locked inside the room where all he wants is to hit his head so hard that he can't remember anything once more. At least then, there would be no pain from Parson Cham. Failure coating his bones as he pushes his back to the door and slides down it listening to his own heart beat.
So long, Teddy has sat on that unknown feeling that he remembered from years ago. The mushiness that resided in his chest that pushed him to make it up to Parson Cham. That feeling was easy to identify now that Parson had been lost. All he wants to do is hug his friend. All he wants to do is go to bed knowing that he was safe. All he wants to do is wake up to a grumpy Pan in his home who he smiles to and makes pancakes because they didn't get to enjoy them as kids years ago. Instead they had suffered pains that no child should have. All of that dream was shattered like the glass that resides in Teddy's heart.
Instead, he's locked in a room with tear stained cheeks and broken promises.
Failure coating his bones and the sounds of his choked sobs in his throat.
A knock comes from across the door as Star must have arrived mere minutes ago or maybe he's been crying for hours already. Time seemed to disappear the moment he entered this room as he imagines where Parson must have been in this room. Staring out the window, laying in the bed, or anywhere in this room.
"Teddy.... Are you alright?"
Pain flourishes in his chest.
"That's not my name."
Silence before he lets his weak words out as he keeps the door shut.
"It's Theodore. Leave me alone...... please."
Star does.
Alone in this room.
Theodore has all of the world to himself.
All of himself to be able to breath.
Parson Cham was dead.
That was the truth.
Theodore Ursa was terrified. Terrified of what was next. This was a world he didn't want, but had to live with. Scared once more in a world all alone once again. There was no such thing as second chances. A sob echoes from his throat as he hits his head gently against the door behind him. The air in his throat feels tight as he stays there.
Impatient they start, fearful they end.
Gone.
Fear had driven him for years and years. Fear of death in the seventy sixth. Fear of life in his past. Fear of losing himself. Teddy's lived with fear attached to his heart for as long as he could remember. Always a cut out piece of him that attached itself to his heart with a resounding beat that sounds through his skin and ears. Always a man who ran and ran when he was younger, until he couldn't run no more. Until the stakes got high enough that he could feel the collapsing of himself in a moment's notice.
This day had started the same. A wealthy wake up that he felt he never deserved. Avoxes holding out items as if he were some crowned king among the civilians. A wave to them and he's alone once more in the soft sheets and heavy feeling on his head. Light peering into his room through the blinds reminding him that he lives a nightmare and never a dream. Eyes close for a moment as the sounds of kids playing in the streets rings in his ears. The sounds changing to his mother's screams and the feeling of pain in his heart. A revolving echo of the storm that took everything he once knew away. The friendly naming from his ma and then the inevitable crash of death and his own words ringing his name to the world, despite not being an Ursa no more.
The sounds of the Seventy Sixth still finds him every so often. Whether it's the erupting of molten rock or the gentle sound of waves lapping at the shore or even the bristling of leaves in the rainforest, he still lives with this fear in his chest. The thrum of Chester's heartbeat in his ear, Wendell Gordon's snicker, Emberly's pain, Ree's anger, and Lux's viciousness. Already a victim before a victor, he knew that was the truth. No one will see him as a victim. All of them only see his kills and what was shown on the screens around Panem.
Fingers splayed out onto the sheet, removing the presence from his body as he sits up coughing out to the afternoon air, humming to himself afterwards until he moves out of the bed. Arms sliding into sleeves and legs slipping in pants, he leaves the room where sleep comes the easiest. Moving to the living area of Six's floor, he waits to here for Star, but she's doing errands as she had told him the day before. A silent room to himself is all that he needed before he could go work on sponsors and visit others who may want to see him. Possibly get a new bottle to ease his fears that reside in the back of his mind like an approaching sickness waiting for his guard to fall.
All sorts of time at the capitol, he spends on watching the games. Not like he has much else to do in a foreign place that didn't belong to him. The day is different from his own, but he can feel the pain in his heart at the sight of Parson in general. Day four was a hell for Teddy Ursa himself. The day where he lost his limb and deserved to die by Wendell Gordon's blade, but Chester had saved him from himself. There's nothing he could ever do to thank Chester for everything that he's ever done for him.
Parson's frustrating in every way that the victor from six hates and loves. Young boys growing up impatient with their words and wants, playing games like the innocence still resides in their souls. Parson's always been something else in his eyes. Never able to put it to words on his own tongue, Teddy had ignored it for so long. Always the type to be shy in front of both Parson and Jacob, but they still liked him back then. Pirates, knights, and games that children picked up from years of imagination. Always meeting by the fountain outside of the graves where the haunted live and nightmares reside for Teddy Ursa.
"I never thought I would be the first one to die, y’know."
Children facing the truths of a world that collapsed before they could even grow up into men with lives worth living. Parson's words on the train still filter in his ears every second as he sits on this comfortable cushioned couch. First to die. Cub, Pan, and Teddy. One of the three thought of which would die first in the future. Despite it all, Teddy knew that the truth was all of them would die eventually. Even at a young age, Theodore Ursa had known that the Hunger Games were just as likely for any one of them.
Almost as if he were teleported to a time when he was younger, he can remember a time long ago. Small children running on the streets chasing one another like the world wasn't a dark and pity filled place. A young Pan is running in front of him laughing like the world wasn't out to get him as if the anger of the present doesn't carry onto his shoulders. Always the captain of the ship in Teddy's eyes, but never told out loud. Those eyes that stare back with so much life in them and makes his own brighten in happiness. Parson had a way of doing that back then. Always making his insides feel all mushy and like his parent's awfulness didn't mean anything.
And they run and run as Teddy tries to reach his friend. Never once being able to reach the boy who seemed to make the world better as if he were in the center of the universe for a young Theodore before the storm took his life away and created Teddy Ursa, the victor of the Seventy Sixth. A gulp of air as Teddy Ursa is thrown back into the present as he watches Parson yell of lack of manners for introductions to one another. As if they were forced to follow a certain guided path that was created for each and every person there.
If only Parson's guided path lead back to Teddy Ursa, only to give him a second chance at making things right.
Or was it a third time now.
Either way, the screen focuses on the fight once more. Blood spilling between broken hearted tributes. Violence that no once can deal with as their mental states shatter. He's been there. He's seen it. It's not pretty. It's not good. Someone will die before this bloody fight breaks away. A sight of Parson is all he needs to see in order to get his heart beat pumping swiftly. There's a lump in his throat that wont go down no matter how much he swallows or coughs. A silence of the sixth floor where Teddy sits on the cushioned couch with fingers tightened around his thigh as his body shakes in fear.
Fear always lingers on his skin, especially when he feels like he's going crazy. Crazy with the past in his chest and the present on his mind and everything else crashing around him. Karma is his collapse. Lingering like the feeling of Emberly's eyes on the sunrise that makes him feel so numb on the inside. A daydream of the past that he doesn't need right now when he can see Wander from District Four push forward until it sounds.
All he can see is red.
Blood red that soaks a spear that almost glitters gold in his mind. And it's happening too quickly. Jaw left in shock as Teddy feels his heart beat move faster. On his feet now, he can only feel the red. Wendell Gordon's snicker in his ear reminding him that he needs to be afraid. Afraid of everything because despite his own games being over, there were more to come. Unlike Ansel, Teddy doesn't drink. Unlike Aeson, Teddy doesn't scream. Unlike Serena and Vesper, he doesn't throw something. Unlike Ezekiel and Faline, Teddy doesn't frown. Instead he stands up and watches with careful eyes.
Watches as Parson falls now. Watches as Wander pauses before being pulled away by someone else. Watches as Angel grabs Parson. Watches as Parson tries to breath and speak words in his throat. Watches as he lets out the only word that makes any sort of sense and it strikes Teddy in the heart like the glaive Wendell Gordon should have stabbed through him with.
"TEDDY!"
"N-No...."
The word feels rough against his throat as he can feel tears running down his cheeks that he couldn't remember himself letting happen. Boys born impatient, but fearful they end. Teddy's feeling dizzy as he can't feel the weight of his legs almost giving out from right under him. This couldn't be real. This couldn't be what was meant for Teddy Ursa. Meant to be stronger than the crybaby from the start. Always able to come out to the sun and still try to smile away the pain on his chest. All it takes is a small boy with pretty eyes and strength that made a younger Teddy's chest feel mushy.
All it takes is losing that glint for Teddy to feel like the world finally lost the spark that there was hope.
All it takes is Parson Cham to yell his name as Angel holds him and then speaks the truth that he never wanted to hear.
Parson Cham was gone.
No more pirate games. No more saving what had been their friendship. No more memories of a little boy who lead the way through a darkness. No more hope filling Teddy's heart, all that's left is dust. Dust that blows away as Teddy falls onto the cushioned couch grounding himself back to the world that exists with him in it. He needs something to take away the remains of what was his truth.
Deep down, his heart hurts and his eyes water.
Feet take him now as he pushes off the cushioned couch and into the halls avoiding eyes of avoxes who know nothing of what just happened. No rights to watch the death of the one person he wanted to see everyday since he remembered his life from before. The one person who held him to a standard different from the rest, but treated him like the person he used to be. Treated him like he wasn't just some crown, but a victim of the crown that Theodore Ursa carries on his shoulders.
The door to his room opens instantly with just a soft push. The room that wasn't Teddy Ursa's but Parson's before everything was lost. Before everything was taken away from him. All he can do is hear the echo of his name across Parson's lips. Locked inside the room where all he wants is to hit his head so hard that he can't remember anything once more. At least then, there would be no pain from Parson Cham. Failure coating his bones as he pushes his back to the door and slides down it listening to his own heart beat.
So long, Teddy has sat on that unknown feeling that he remembered from years ago. The mushiness that resided in his chest that pushed him to make it up to Parson Cham. That feeling was easy to identify now that Parson had been lost. All he wants to do is hug his friend. All he wants to do is go to bed knowing that he was safe. All he wants to do is wake up to a grumpy Pan in his home who he smiles to and makes pancakes because they didn't get to enjoy them as kids years ago. Instead they had suffered pains that no child should have. All of that dream was shattered like the glass that resides in Teddy's heart.
Instead, he's locked in a room with tear stained cheeks and broken promises.
Failure coating his bones and the sounds of his choked sobs in his throat.
A knock comes from across the door as Star must have arrived mere minutes ago or maybe he's been crying for hours already. Time seemed to disappear the moment he entered this room as he imagines where Parson must have been in this room. Staring out the window, laying in the bed, or anywhere in this room.
"Teddy.... Are you alright?"
Pain flourishes in his chest.
"That's not my name."
Silence before he lets his weak words out as he keeps the door shut.
"It's Theodore. Leave me alone...... please."
Star does.
Alone in this room.
Theodore has all of the world to himself.
All of himself to be able to breath.
Parson Cham was dead.
That was the truth.
Theodore Ursa was terrified. Terrified of what was next. This was a world he didn't want, but had to live with. Scared once more in a world all alone once again. There was no such thing as second chances. A sob echoes from his throat as he hits his head gently against the door behind him. The air in his throat feels tight as he stays there.
Impatient they start, fearful they end.
Gone.
