Fei Leung | District Twelve {FIN}

"Fei, it's okay," they'll tell me when I get worked up. That doesn't help though. If anything, it makes me cry more. There are things that many people would be consider to be a minor inconvenience, but to my mind, those things are worth panicking over, and not because I want to panic over them, but because my brain doesn't quite understand what's worth having anxiety over and what isn't. It's out of my control, and I hate it. My anxiety feels like it controls my life.

I try to remain calm when I can, just so I can live my life like the average fifteen-year-old, but it doesn't always work. I panic when things are just far enough out of line to cause some mental disarray, and I can't seem to stop it. I try to crack jokes to calm myself down, and although that does work on occasion, it doesn't always. One of my sisters, Song, seems to be the only one who can truly calm me down when I have these problems. She always seems to know exactly what to say, or what not to say when nothing should be said at all, and I just need someone at my side instead.

Song and I look a lot alike. In my opinion, she's prettier than me, though. I think just about everyone is better looking than me, though, as I don't have a whole lot of confidence in my appearance. We have the same brown eyes and brown hair. Our pale skin is the same tone, and we both have thin eyebrows. Mine are a bit thinner than hers, though, I think, and some of my other features are a bit smaller, too, like my eyes and my ears. I don't really like the look of my ears, or my nose, as they look a little too small for my face in my opinion. Maybe that's just my lack of confidence in the way I look, though. I have more confidence in some parts of my personality than I do in my appearance.

When it comes to how I am as a person, sure, I hate the panic attacks and I despise the constant anxiety I seem to feel, but I still see myself as a good person, in general. I treat people kindly as often as I can, and I try my best never to use bad language. I like to make people laugh, even if it's difficult because I'm not actually as funny as I'd like to be. Unfortunately, I can get rather angry sometimes, too, and it causes problems. If I get a little too upset at someone, whether it be for making fun of me or someone I care about, or just doing something that gets on my nerves and refusing to stop, I'll sometimes lash out with my words. My anger is certainly a part of me that I don't like.

My family members seem to be the people who can handle my problems, such as my anger, better than anyone else. My father runs a portion of the coal mines here in District Twelve, making us a rather wealthy family, so I'm really well taken care of. We're a rather large family, too. I have five brothers and four sisters, but our home is big enough that it's not too crowded, rather, just a little busier than the average household. Mother stays at home with the younger ones in our family, taking very good care of them. I just hope that our family always stays this wonderful and complete, and doesn't fall apart because of something like the Games like so many families in the Districts do.

I don't have as many friends as I would like to. I think that, perhaps, it's because I push people away with my anger and with my panic attacks sometimes. I'm always doing my best to be kind to others, though, so I hope to be able to make more friends as my life continues. I truly do try to be sweet. I'm kind more often than I am rude or angry. It's just that people remember my angry outbursts more so than they remember my kindness. I suppose that that's just how life works, though, isn't it?

My closest friend is a girl my age named Isabella, and she treats me with kindness like I do to her. She has seen me angry before, yet she's still been by my side when I've had a panic attack and not left me because of it being too much to deal with. She truly does have a kind soul. I wish there were more people in the world like her. I truly appreciate what a great person she is. One day, I hope that people will think of me in that way, too.

For now, my life just moves forward. With my anxiety, I truly never know what to expect the next day, whether that be a fantastic day, or one full of stress. Regardless, I'll continue to live my life to its fullest. I hope to live a life worth living for the rest of my time on this planet, and I hope truly, dearly, that I can keep myself and my family safe. The Games scare me, but I won't let that be an anxiety that breaks me if I can help it, especially when that looming threat hasn't yet struck.