Eugeo Cardinal | District Six {FIN}

I've had this dream for years, now; a dream of going to the Capitol to rescue her. Alice, my best friend, was taken away from District Six for crossing outside the border of the District. She was caught and turned into an avox when we were only eleven years old. The one thing that pains me most about what happened, though, is that I didn't even try to stop it. I froze up when the Peacekeepers took her away. It's not likely that I could have stopped it, but I at least could have tried, and that's guilt that I live with now.

As I live my everyday life, I try to push this guilt out of my mind, not thinking about what happened to Alice six years ago so that I can focus on what I need to, like my schoolwork. It can be difficult at times, such as when I see Peacekeepers walking about in the District, as seeing them reminds me of what happened to her, but I manage to get by. I know that if I think about Alice too much, I'll never be able to focus on the things that are happening in my life in the present. My parents and my brothers tell me I'm too stuck in the past. I suppose they're right, unfortunately.

---

I've always loved my family, and people tell me that I look a lot like my father with my blond hair and pale skin. Although, he has a much stronger build than I do, so I wouldn't say we're too close in appearance in regards to body type. I'm somewhat tall, like my mother and my eldest brother, meaning that I certainly didn't get my height from my father. He's a rather short man, yet still intimidating in the way he looks and how he presents himself to others. I wish I had more confidence like him. I've started to lose confidence in myself ever since the incident with Alice when I didn't try to stop what was happening.

I'll be entirely honest in saying that, although I love my family, I'm quite jealous of my brothers. All three of my brothers are older than me, and it seems to me as if all three of them get much more attention and praise from my mother than I do. Sure, my father pays attention to me in the same way he pays attention to my brothers, but I don't get a special treatment from either parent like my brothers all do from my mother. I feel like I'm clearly the child they're least thrilled to have.

Some days, my jealousy gets the best of me, and it turns into what may even be seen as a form of depression. I start to feel that I'm not good enough, and that I'm not worth my parents' time. It's something I'll never explain to them, though. Surely they would see it as disrespectful if I said something to them about it, how I thought they didn't like me as much as they liked my brothers. That's part of why I spend so much time with my friends. I can talk to them without getting in trouble if I express how I feel. They won't share with my parents what I say to them, and it makes me appreciative, even though I've been told that keeping secrets isn't a good thing to do.

I also like to spend a lot of time alone. When I'm alone, I spend most of my time reading up on Panem's history. The rebellion that caused the war, which resulted in the Hunger Games being created all fascinates me, and it makes me wonder if anything similar to that would ever happen again, perhaps even stopping the Hunger Games. I'm someone who wouldn't mind fighting in a rebellion. I'd enjoy it, I think, to be entirely honest. I hate the idea of the Hunger Games, and if I were given the chance to take down President Snow and Panem's government, I'd try my very best to do so.

Another thing that I do a lot in my free time is build things. I often build things from scratch. I use whatever I find lying around in the streets; a stick, some sheets of scrap metal, rope, anything. One time, I even crafted a spear out of a small tree limb, using a rock to sharpen the end of it. I never did anything with it, but I imagined what I could have done. I imagined if only I could have put that spear through the body of the Peacekeeper who took Alice away.

If only...

Unfortunately, if I did that, it's likely that I still wouldn't even see Alice again. They wouldn't turn me into an avox. Surely they'd execute me for killing a Peacekeeper. I shook the thought from my head that day, snapped the spear in two, hiding it behind a dumpster and heading home. Still, that thought never did leave me mind, ending the life of a Peacekeeper. I had never been violent as a child, and I still wouldn't consider myself to be actively violent, but my mind has so many violent thoughts that I wouldn't consider myself completely peaceful. I just never act on those things that I'm thinking, no matter how much I wish I could sometimes.

Damn, I wish I could...