In company comes solitude [PE Day 4]

I saw her go down. In the sights of Elite, Hanaa went down. I was too far away to do anything, too far to jump in the way or pull her to safety. Instead, she was struck by the laser and seemed to freeze. In that moment she lost some of her fire as though someone had dumped water over her.

When Sullivan started running I was torn. I wanted to go to her, I wanted to fix her up and tell her that she would live another day. I couldn't, though, because I knew it wouldn't help. I was bleeding again, sliced open in multiple places, and I knew that I had to get out of here. Sullivan had already lost Blue, and now - I was sure in a most sickening way - Hanaa. I couldn't let him lose me too.

I ran. I felt like a coward but I ran. My head was spinning, my gut churning, and my wounds were on fire, but I ran. Focusing on Sullivan was the only thing keeping me upright and moving. I was replaying that last blow to Hanaa over and over in my mind. If only I had protected her. I had killed for her before, why couldn't I do it again? Why had I let her down?

When the smell of green things flooded my senses I came around a bit. We were far away from where we had fought. Far away from Hanaa. I had left her behind, alone, like a coward. If she was truly dying I let her die alone. If she wasn't, I had abandoned her. Either way, I'm sure she would hate me.

Just then my watch lit up. The general chat had been silent for some time but now there were a number of messages pouring in. At the bottom, the little words Hanaa is typing... broke my heart. I quickly looked over what she had written, smiling and feeling terrible at the same time. She was alive and still kicking, or at least still snarking at people. The sight of my own name in the tirade broke my heart.

Hanaa: @ sullivan and @ alphabet, murder these hoes

More names, more angry, spiteful words. Hanaa still clung to her fire, but even I could see it flickering, even through text on a screen.

Hanaa: @ the rest of yall, youre moms are still hoes, i dont know if youre cool or not, but fuck yall anyways.
Hanaa: Im out.

Breathing hard, trying not to throw up but feeling like I might suffocate instead, I tap out a message. I hoped I wasn't too late.

Alphabet: I'm so sorry Hanaa
Hanaa: Youre fine @alphabet. Give them hell. Keep fighting for me. Remember, they are all a bunch of rats.
Hanaa: Okay, now I am really dying.
Hanaa: Goodbye.
Alphabet: I'll miss you.

I felt like I was choking but I couldn't clear my throat. Breathing was hard, thinking was hard. I had abandoned her but she seemed to understand. She told me to keep fighting, to keep going. I had to now, I had to keep going for her. Sullivan was my only responsibility now I couldn't fail him like I had Blue and Hanaa.

Ike messaged a broken heart emoji and I felt as though it both summed up so much of what I was feeling and yet didn't come even close. I never really met or paid attention to Ike but he seemed to know Hanaa, or maybe he was just sad that we were all going through this. Watching someone die is a terrible thing but by now everyone in this arena had done so. I wasn't special for it, but I was one of the few who had actually done the killing. At the rate I was going, too, I might be one of the ones doing the dying as well.

I came back to myself when I felt Sullivan's sturdy touch on my shoulder. He was holding a needle and thread and some medicinal plants. Numbly I let him patch up the wound on my chest. I shook him off after that, bandaging my arm and cleaning up the cut on my cheek. I had marks all over my body now. I had joints that didn't work quite right anymore and a slight limp from having both my knee and my tailbone broken on back-to-back days. I was a wreck, but Sullivan seemed to deem me worth at least some help.

Revived somewhat, I finally took a real look around where we were. In a garden, we were surrounded by plants. Many of them were familiar to me but the occasional few were a bit strange. Even so, I still could see edible and medicinal species and relaxed some as I breathed in the smell of growing things. In this arena, where there was so much death, it was nice to be in a space with so much life.

Here was the first place I felt safe in, at least for now. This was something I knew, something I truly understood. I buried my face in a sweet smelling plant, luxuriating in the fragrance. If I had to die somewhere in this horrible place, let it be here.