Luanna Xena | District One | Resub {FIN}

As I'm writing this, it's been nearly eight years since my best friend's death. Lorenza and I had always been closer with one another than with anyone else (well, perhaps Lorenza was closer with her girlfriend, but that's different). When she was reaped for the Seventy-Sixth Hunger Games, I wanted more than anything to volunteer for her. I wanted to take her place so that she could live the rest of her life in peace, but I didn't do it. We'd promised one another that we'd never volunteer for each other, and I refused to break a promise made to my best friend.

I'm an extremely loyal person. I'm someone who would never betray my friends. Although, despite this, I still feel like I let her down. I didn't save her life like I should. Now that I think back on it all, I realize that the promise I made to Lorenza not to volunteer was one I should have broken. It's my fault that she's dead now. Had I volunteered for her, she'd still be here, alive and well, even if I wasn't.

Growing up, I spent a lot of time training for the Games. I was a career, readying myself in case I was ever reaped or decided for some reason to volunteer. In the end, I never made use of these abilities in the actual Games themselves. I spent a couple of years working as a career trainer for other people who wanted to train for the Games, but now I find that that's not really my passion anymore. Instead, I've been focusing my energy on being a dance and gymnastics instructor.

Ever since I was little, I've loved dancing and doing gymnastics, so being able to introduce other people to my lifelong passion is one of the few things that I find makes me happy. I was always one of the tallest people in my gymnastics classes when I was younger. Unfortunately, this could sometimes make doing different things in the classes more difficult, but I've learned to adapt to the problems my height may cause and work with it instead.

There are a lot of things that I've had to learn to work through in my life, more so than just the minor obstacles that one may stumble upon on an everyday basis. I had a lot of confidence in myself and who I am as a person before Lorenza died. Now, I blame myself for that, and I feel like I let her down. An obstacle I often encounter now is dealing with the grief of having lost my friend and blaming myself for it. I also find myself struggling with depression some days, and anxiety over what people may think of me.

Sure, I have a lot of people tell me I'm pretty. They'll say that they love the locks of blonde hair that reach down past my shoulders, or that my cocoa brown eyes are beautiful. I've been told I have a great sense of style, too. I won't say that I disagree with what people say about my appearance. Although, what they don't know is that I cover up a lot of my flaws. Blemishes and scars on my skin are often covered with makeup, as I don't want people to see that it's there, no matter how human it is to have these things. I suppose the way that I look is one of the few things that I'm still quite confident about myself with, despite the flaws that are there. My appearance and my abilities as a dancer and gymnast are some of the few things I find positive in who I am.

Almost constantly, I feel like there's this little voice in the back of my head saying that I did something wrong, and I can't shut it out, because I know it's true. I didn't save my best friend. I didn't save her. She's gone. My Mom and my sisters, Kassidy and Jamie, tell me that I didn't do anything wrong, and that I didn't let anyone down, but it's hard for me to believe it. They're all very supportive of me, and always have been, especially since Mom and Dad's divorce, but that doesn't mean that things aren't difficult.

I suppose I shouldn't focus all of my energy on reliving how much it hurt when Lorenza died, though. I know I need to focus on myself sometimes, too, and I try to do that. As someone who loves to be social, going out to parties and other social events is a good way for me to feel better. Even though I'm not as open about some things as I used to be, I'm still a very honest person. I will be straightforward with those I talk to. If they're doing something I don't like, I'll tell them. If I think someone's attractive, they'll know it rather quickly if I want them to know.

Relationships in recent years have been difficult for me, but I have encountered people over the years that I've tried to pursue. Most recently, I met a really nice guy who was visiting from another District on a work permit. Unfortunately, there wasn't going to be a way for me to ever really see him again, so I've moved on. Moving on is all I can really try to do in life now. You have to keep moving forward, or you'll be trapped in the past.