an empty heart {Arabella victor au}

Sound the bugle now

Tell them I don't care

There's not a road I know

That leads to anywhere

The darkness that surrounds only seems to get heaviver. She remembers a time when light used to shine through, saving her from the fear that used to grip her. She never liked the dark. Matthew and Ellen had been the largest beacons. Burning away the darkness, consuming the fear of loneliness, of self hate. She had thought that once she made it home their light would be able to incinerate it once again.

That she would feel lighter.

Happier.

But as they wrapped their arms around her she feels nothing.

She felt cold, broken.

The ice that had forged itself around her heart hardening.

The darkness within her growing heavier, suffocating her. She can see no light at the end of the tunnel. There was nothing.

Nothing but her memories. Nothing but the blood that coated her hands. The tears that soaked the fabric of her shirt. The cries that had gone unanswered as her allies perished around her. As she plunged her knife into flesh, screams burn themselves into her memory. As she robbed child after child of their life. So that she could live. And for the hundredth time since she had been transported from the arena she found herself questioning: was it worth it?

She felt the familiar burn of tears in her eyes, the back of her throat, as she pulled away from them. Her lips pulling back into a smile that only reaches the surface. Eyes filled with worry, with grief, with fear, meet her own. Ellen moves forward to place a hand on her shoulder but Arabella flinches, her fingers clenching, bracing herself for the touch. Ellen freezes. She looks like she wants to say something, words dancing in the depths of her eyes, her lips moving, but no sound escapes. Her hand falls limply to her side.

Arabella excuses herself, her arms wrapped tightly around her as she walks through her nightmare. She climbs down the steps of her porch, into the depths of the forrest. Silence surrounds her as her knees break beneath her. Sobs consume her as her body bends over, the pain of the last few weeks crashes into her, causing her to scream. She can do nothing about allow it to slice through her flesh, scarring her for eternity.

Meredith flashes before her, her face torn and bloodied, eyes lifeless. Arabella backs away, shaking her head, hands, fingers clawing at her face. "No, No, no, no no no," she gasps, her back pressed up against the rough surface of a tree. "Please, I've had enough," she cries to the darkness. "I can't- I can't- please," she begs. Hadn't she been through enough? Hadn't she watched enough people that she cared about die brutally?

But the darkness it not finished, it tightens its grip on her and suddenly Lysander is rushing towards her, her hands outstretched. "Lysander," she breathes, tears falling down her cheeks. She looked so healthy. So young, and youthful. A smile pulls back the girls lips and Arabella feels her heart stop. Her hands clutching at her chest. "It's not real. Its not real," she repeats as her friend moves closer- Suddenly an axe is slicing through the air, burring itself into her skull, splitting it in two. Blood seeps down her cheek like tears and her body crashes to the ground.

Please stop.

Please end this.

I don't want to hurt-

Cyro walks towards her now with a child. Xander. His face is so bright, his eyes dancing with love and affection as he gazes down at his son. Xander was so small. Cyro looks up, his eyes meeting Arabella's as his lips pull back into a huge grin. Xander, his angel. His world. Her own world begins to shattered as her body begins to shake uncontrollably. She knew what was about to happen. It happened every time. He takes a step closer, Xander following closely behind. "No, please stay there- do-dont come any closer." She begs him, her voice felt so small. Weak, just like her. "Cyro, please-"

A knife buries itself in his eye.

He falls, the light fading from his bright eye as his life comes to an end. Arabella moves forward, to catch him but he vanishes and she is left alone, the whole in her heart growing as the cries of Xander fills her. His pain ricochets through her mind. His cries fade and Arabella is left an empty shell of who she was on the ground.

She remembers a time when these woods used to be her sanctuary. Used to be one of the few places where she felt safe to be herself and no one but herself.

But just like the embrace of her loved ones, its presences only left her feeling cold.

Broken she lay in the dirt.

Arabella Shirley was no longer the dreamer from Eleven.

She was not the warrior she dreamed to be.

She was a monster, and maybe her story, after all, would get its tragic ending.

Without a light, I fear that I will

Stumble in the dark

Lay right down, decide not to go on