i do nothin but sit here all day

l o r e n z o

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So I've been thinkin' of moving out. It's about that time, I'm twenty one and growing older every day, all ever faced with the fact that I didn't get to die at fourteen so now I'm stuck here; it ain't all bad. I just can't focus on anything anymore, and Saffron doesn't let me stay in bed as long as I want.

That's the goal, really, my own house that I'd never have to leave.

No more reminders that there's something goin' out outside my doors, I haven't seen Temple in a year's time. I don't think I want to anymore, I don't want to see anybody. Time don't stop but I can. Anytime I want, I can just go back to bed and waste away and feel damn good about it. I'm sick and tired of my ma trying to get me to call Beck, she just doesn't understand it. I look at my hands and the matte black of the phone and I don't feel my heart skip a beat, I just feel it sink. The more time passes the more I think about it -- what I'm missing out on.

I'm not in four, I'm not in the tabloids, I'm just Lorenzo right now and I don't even know what that means. You take away the adventure and you take away the growing pains, and what's left? Just another guy who can't pick up the phone, I just hear it ring and pretend it's the sound of my brain. Sometimes I'll hear it from outside my bedroom, and I'll pretend it's cannon fire, the sound of an alarm so I can make myself panic again.

That's when I was in my prime, right? When I was busy dying, that's when people liked me most.

It's all fun and games until you're thinking about mortgage rates. It's been my gateway fantasy, just to show ma and pa that I'm doing something productive. I'm house hunting, say I'm going out with Rogue and instead I'll sit out in the pasture and just think. Stare at the sky and think about running again; ain't that weird. The more comfortable I've gotten, the more useless I feel. Kieran's got a family going, everybody's moving on from whatever baggage they've got, and I? 

Y'know. 

"Anyways, I'm doing another year in Four."

"Thanks for the heads up this time," my bad. Sorry Saff, but I can't help but smile at that one. She's been trying to support me but it must be pretty hard, being stuck with a boy like me when Quinn's right there. She's got a daughter with a good life and I'm in the middle, messing it up, stirring things up. It could be quiet around here but whenever I'm not fucking up, that worries them; that's a bad thing right? Like, they're more concerned about me when I'm just in bed? 

Shit, maybe I should run off more often. I scratch my hairline and hide my smile in my hand, "I just, y'know, found myself at the ocean or whatever. You should try it sometime, Saff." God, it's still so weird callin' her ma, it's just not gonna happen. 

Out of respect, y'know? She's still Miss Saffron after seven years, "I couldn't quite find my sea legs, more of a prairie woman myself." She leans on my bedroom doorframe, and I feel like I'm trapped in my own mess if I'm being honest. I miss two years ago, when I thought living was the best thing to happen; guess I forgot the dying don't stop. 

"Seriously, you need to tell Beck that you're going. He's been asking about you, why haven't you been calling him?" 

"Ehhh." 

"Enzo."

"Ehh?" 

"You already ran our rates up, either you pick up the next time he calls or you get a job to pay the bill." It's like she wants me to be gay or something. It's just not that easy -- I don't have enough energy to mourn for Piper and Luke, y'know? I can't find the words but I just feel embarrassed, I know I'm not what he thinks I am; not nearly that damn good. "Well yeah, that's the whole point of fishing! I'll just pay the bill-"

"Enzo." 

Can't a boy just cut people out in peace. 

"He's fine, Saff! He's got Shy and Ridley, haven't you seen? Capitol's real proud of their career victors!" 

"Is that what this is about?!"

"Sure! Why not," Beck's got good things going on, he'll be fine. He's a victor, and those guys are nuts, y'know. "I'm going to visit the guy, ain't that good enough?" I've got junk all over my desk and I can't read a single word of it, my ears are hot and my visions gone. It's all dull, just words. 

"It isn't and you know that, I'm not having a whole debate over it! I'm gonna go downstairs and by the time I come back up here you better have called that boy, you hear me."

Sure. 

"Yes ma'am," I mumble it into my calendar, my face an inch from the desk and my breath's gettin' stuck in the paper. It's like I'm catching up on my teenage years or something, I don't know why I'm so damn bitter recently. Oh- oh wait, that's right, it's my dead sister getting killed by the same guy who killed me. That's right, forgot that part! Silly fuckin' me, I hear her go downstairs and I'm taking deep breaths like my therapist taught me at sixteen. 

And here I am at twenty one, still not fuckin' over a thing. 

Stupid, stupid fuckin- "hey! Beck?" 

"Oh. Hey asshole,"

"Guess who's coming to four! Aha," fuck me, I'm stupid.