saint bernard || gavin & chapman jb

Chapman's always been everything.

I've never had to know the sun. It beats down upon the back of my neck now, stagnant as the rest of District Five filters out of the square. It's hot and it's uncomfortable and it's too fucking much. He's always been too much for me. 'Cause my name meant nothing unless it came after his, yet he called himself the lucky one.

Sunspots stick to the back of my eyes. I can't look directly at them, instead they float listlessly through the tears I've tried and failed to bite back. I was pretty sure I couldn't feel anything anymore but my insides have twisted themselves into knots and it is sharp and unforgiving. Call it one last favor, I guess.

Of all the hours I've wasted daydreaming about a life without him, I never thought he'd leave me with no choice.

There's no gentle hand in mine when I forget how to move, stuck staring in one spot and wishing I could choke on my tongue to stop from sobbing.

In fact there's no one at all.

---

It takes an eternity to reach the doors of the justice building. I'm the north without stars, all blue velvet that makes it so damn easy to lose your way. I'd made it halfway home before I realized I couldn't bear to leave him without goodbye. And that even if I could, he deserves so much better.

I know he's waiting for me, he's always had too much faith in the faithless. I've carved my cowardice into his skin a thousand times over but I bet it never even occurred to him I might be running away.

"You ready, kid?" A peacekeeper asks as he lets me into the room.

I shake my head but step inside anyway,

A strangled sound escapes me when I see him, fists clenching at my sides in a feeble attempt to regain composure. He's at the far side of a barren room, larger than life and looking so damn small.

"Chapman?" My throat's gone raw and his name breaks between my teeth. It's been a while since I could bring myself to meet his gaze and I realize all over again just how captivating it is. Beautiful and bright and honest in all the ways I've never been.

Because it was never Chad that was lying when we said I love you.

"You can't-" The words are swallowed by a sob and I realize too late that I'm crying again. Embarrassed, I bury my face in his shoulder and force him to bear the weight of my grief. He's always been good at that. "Don't you dare leave me."

He smells like the cologne I'd gotten him for his seventeenth birthday. The one he's worn every day since.

"Who am I without you?"

"make me love myself so that I might love you"