sun bleached flies // U v. LL (day 6)
Jul 30, 2023 14:17:49 GMT -5
Post by d4 tati pelotte [azalea] on Jul 30, 2023 14:17:49 GMT -5
"I'm more of a checkers fella myself. Plain and simple. Plus, the edges of the checker pieces at my house are really satisfying. When you get a really tall stack, you can roll them around on your arm and it's like a massage..." He says. Oh? Okay. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm the only one with my head in this game. His eyes wander around, shifting between my body and another in the distance.♛
I can't help but feel like I'm the way of something. That feeling of being caught in the middle of something that you don't belong in - that's what I feel right now. It's lonely to not feel that same level of want, but maybe it's my fault for not making friends like everyone else. If I was less of a selfish protectionist then perhaps I'd have someone in this arena to fight for and to fight for me. Except, I don't have much at all - it's not a case of narcissism preventing me from branching out, though, because I don't really like myself at all. Trust is a fragile thing and in a hell like this, it is poisoned. Backs are made to be stabbed, and if nobody has mine, then I'm okay.
All I really have to fight for is M word, and that's not even for the right reasons anymore. It's not a case of wanting to see him and hug him and tell him that everything will be okay now, because at that point, I will have won. It's not about that at all, because maybe I am a narcissist in some ways because I want to revel in the glory of watching him rage at my success. I want to smile as the glint in his eye disappears when he realises I did this for all the wrong reasons: for the starlight to crash into me and not him. And I'll shout a thousand things at him, none of which are good, and only when I am satisfied with whatever revenge plot I've come up, only then will I think about forgiveness.
Because he left me in that room, hoping for the best and expecting it too. It made everything feel so cold, so hollow that I questioned whether or not our friendship meant anything. Now I realise that it never really did. Seeing his hologram hurt tugs on my heartstrings but it does not change how I feel; I am red hot when I think about him and I won't be cooled for anyone.
I suppose Ulysses is in the way of something too.
"As you can see, I've got a lot riding on this. Chess and checkers... they're played on the same board, anyway." Ulysses continues on, eyes constantly flickering between me and whatever he fights for.
"So do I," I tell him, moments before a sword slashes at my stomach. Blood trickles out from the wound like a gentle creek, but there's nothing soft about this moment. Reality is harsh and though I can feel the pain in the forefront of my mind, I force it into a corner. That can be dealt with later, just like everything else about myself that this arena has damaged. Time is too precious now. "My friend didn't come to say goodbye after the Reaping, and that hurt me more than any wound in this place. I'm doing this out of spite. I want to win to hurt him back and I don't care how wrong that is, because for me, that's the only thing that feels right."
I sigh and shoot a glance over to M word's failing hologram. Tired eyes, collar bones protruding like you could shake him and he'd rattle, hands cut and calloused by simply wanting to stay alive. But it isn't enough - and I am enough, I think, because I've looked like that hologram and still managed to get back up and fight. Completely selfish in my act, heart burning like the sun because I want the world to see that I belong to them.
"It's complicated. I'm complicated," I say blankly, sword in hand. The lily hilt catches my attention and I really hope that it was made for me. "Just like chess."
It's a game of infinite possibilities, but I only want one.
[ lillybird attacks ulysses ; lily-hilted sword ]
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y3OSRSTQz6sword
[ 1001 -- Shallow Cut on Back -- 4.0 damage ]
sword