between the shadow & the soul /av + e [95th]
Feb 5, 2024 2:09:05 GMT -5
Post by ✌ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ on Feb 5, 2024 2:09:05 GMT -5
a v r i e l .
"though I burn, how could I fall
when I am lifted, by every
word you say to me?"
The moment is slipping away.
He knows this feeling so well, the slide of the seconds hand around the clock's surface, moving too quick for his tongue to keep up. Every time he's got something big to say, he always lets the passage of time take it from him. It's easier to do that, let the moment pass, it's safer.
There's fear bubbling now too with the nervousness, this feeling of the ground crumbling beneath his feet again, trying to take him with it- Eden's nose bumps against his, "Someone has to keep an eye on you," he answers. Avriel's heart is so big and heavy that it tries to crawl out of him through his throat.
"I-"
Eden's attention is pulled away from him. Avriel backs off the littlest bit, wincing briefly at the sound. Eden stays with him, moves in close enough to rest his head on his shoulder. The weight of him is barely anything but his hand loosens on Eden's, the moment of fear gone. It's just Scout. Eden doesn't say it like that. It's just how Av hears it.
He laughs against Avriel's neck and the movement shakes the both of them.
"I love that," he says quietly.
Every time Eden laughs it's another sunrise.
He pulls his hands out of Eden's pockets, balled up tight to hide the shake. Av puts one on Eden's waist. He shoves the other one into his pocket and lets out a shaky sigh.
Scout leaves them.
"I think about it a lot, you know? It surprised me the first time I ever heard that," he whispers. Can't even remember now what he'd done or said to make Eden laugh out loud for the first time, it'd just happened in the same way a spark off his soldering iron flickers in and out like lightening. "All I remember thinking is wanting to make you laugh again. Even now, I'm thinking, how do I make that happen again?"
There's a shake in his voice he can't rid himself of, it feels like his heart is beating too fast, so fast it wants to give in and he knows this feeling. First time it happened was in his parent's bed room, iron, burnt, cut grass.
"Almost missed it," he catches himself with a shuddering breath, "I almost missed getting to meet you, I almost missed that laugh, I-?" His voice tilts in a way he doesn't want it to and he has to stop talking. He has to press his forehead into Eden's shoulder and wait for the trees in the planters to the left of them to stop growing. His grips tightens on Eden's waist, too tight, he's holding too tight. He knows that, and Eden knows that, his hand pressed hard against Avriel's chest in answer knows that too.
They wait for it to pass together.
"Please just, let's stay in this for just a sec," he says, "There's something I need to-" This moment, he's been trying to get here for so many years now, he doesn't want to lose it. He's always held on too tight. Everything he was ever meant to let go of has never left him, everything he tried his hardest to keep worked even harder to get as far from him as it could.
But not Eden, not him, not ever.
"This feeling, this... this thing it's like a physical part of me, I can't explain it," he says. Avriel leans back, his hand leaving Eden's waist to cup his cheek, "It's yours? You know? It's the part of me that's you and I don't know anymore." He shakes his head, mouth trembling against a smile that's trying so hard to be brave, "I just don't know anymore where you begin and I end and I never want to figure that out."
The tremor is gone now, his tone smooth. Out loud it still doesn't make much sense, that's okay. Eden'll understand.
"Looking at you, I know why I'm here," he says quietly, "And why I stay."
His thumb finds the curve of his cheekbone and slides under his eye, then back. Again. Touching him is being held. He gazes at Eden, then raises his other hand between them, a bridge between their chests.
"I finished these about a week after I told you I loved you that first time," he says. His hand doesn't open though. For a long moment, they stand there in silence, so close that Avriel's hand on Eden's cheek is his cheek. Av tips his forehead lightly against Eden's; against his.
"But I've loved you from the very start, I think" he says, "From that first five minutes, when I met you on that balcony, remember? That's the first time I ever had to leave you."
He's not scared anymore, of hurting Eden. The nightmares will probably never go away but neither will Eden and neither will his hand reaching out in the dark to find him, to anchor him. There'll always be a way back.
"I hated that. Every time after too. And then I realized something."
His hand finally unfolds. Two hammered circles of gold sit small and shining in the centre of his callused palm, polished by the years spent side by side in Avriel's pocket. A small star with eight extensions is carved into one, it's twin bevelled on the other, fitting perfectly together.
"If we were married, we'd never have to say goodbye again."