sawyer lleget 🎹 10 🎹 fin

s a w y e r    l l e g e t   .

"May God, Old and New, have mercy on my soul, for I am a sinner."

Sawyer sits in the closed-off confessional stall, hands wrapped up for prayer. He attends confession with Father once a day, seeking penance and guidance from Him.

"My boy." Father's voice sounds exhausted, almost bored. Sawyer chalks it up to Him having an extended day. "For what do you have to repent for today?" Father is the only one that he trusts to protect him from Hell. His fingers dance above his knuckles, playing chords to cope as if he's at the piano playing his sheet music. Everything floods in at once. What doesn't he have to repent for?

"Father, at the service today, I made a mistake with the notes that I played. I'm embarrassed that I failed You and that I failed Them." Everything must be perfect. His music is not allowed to be flawed, especially when there's a service going on. Sawyer is the lead pianist for the Church of Todd, working hand-in-hand with the choir to help the Church's voices be heard by the Old and New Gods. He was nervous when he was told that he had four years to learn how to play– exquisitely, at that– and become the pianist for all services and gatherings. That's why he's so anxious. The Church depends on him to play well enough so They can hear the congregants. Two mistakes at the beginning of worship split his ears in two, and he hasn't been able to look anyone in the eye since. Shame deepens his brow.

"Your flaws must remind you of your duty to the Church, child. To the people."

Father is strict with Sawyer because He knows when a member of His flock needs more intense care. He's a fragile disciple. Most of the Church's members attend confession once a week, sometimes even less often. Sawyer's parents swept him out of any bad habits early on. His mother and father were both recruited to the Church and paired off as a couple immediately. They were given the gift of a son and refused to let him go undisciplined. They taught him to love Father and go to all confessions, services, and practices that He might attend. Father knows how he may still be saved. Sawyer's brother, also named Sawyer, who died years before he was born, could not be saved. Father will not defend the unfaithful and bring them to Todd to be saved.

"Playing the wrong notes is similar to making wrong decisions. You were selected to deliver our voices to Todd. I see him being unimpressed by your failures today."

This is it. Father is going to tell him that He sees no path forward for Sawyer as the pianist. He'll be relieved of his duties and suffer for all his days for abandoning his path. Hell burns tensely through his chest.

"We are all going to go to Hell because I'm failing, Father. If They can't hear us worship Their holiness…" Overwhelming breaths keep him from continuing. He watches Father's hand reach out toward the window between them in the confession box.

"Do not assign yourself such importance, Sawyer." He scolds. Father's hand guides Sawyer forward, and he reaches out. "I will keep you from the depths of Hell if you stay with me and remain pure, son." Father's other hand collapses on top. The warmth tells him that it'll be okay. Confessions are designed to be anonymous, but Sawyer's been with Father often enough in this space that who he is is no secret.

It's comforting when Father calls him son. That's something his real father rarely does. His father rarely speaks. He often talks about how the Church saved him from a life of misery. He was an incel before finding Father Garcia and being brought into the fold. The Gods gave him a purpose: marrying Sawyer's mother and giving her another son. That, along with his job on the farm, is enough to save him from failure and condemnation. Work on the farm. Create a child. In name only, be a father.

"What can I do to rid myself of imperfections, Father? Tell me what to do to remain pure."

He lets go of Sawyer's hand. "I will give you a penance. Kneel at the front pew and recite our Psalms of Wisdom and Psalms of Salvation twice over. Then, read our Tenants and recommit yourself to them. When you finish, shut your eyes and pray silently."

"Yes, Father." Father points to a Bible in the corner of the confession box as Sawyer rises, but he declines it. Sawyer knows every word of the Bible by heart. He's spent eighteen years studying and believing in it. "How long should I pray for, Father?"

"Until you are worthy enough to play your music for Todd again. Without mistakes."

Sawyer does as He asked of him. He whispers every word, forehead collapsed against the wooden stand ahead of the front row. It's a painful experience to recite the Psalms. Each one is an admission of shortcomings and failures that remind him of just how much more devoted he can be to the Gods and to the Father. He speaks the Tenants of Faith, wondering why the Proprietor has yet to assign him a betrothal. His words fade into silence, just as Father asked of him.

Time doesn't feel as though it's passed when a firm hand grabs his shoulder. It's Father. Windows that emitted fleeting sunlight now show nothing but darkness. "Are you still praying, child?" He seems almost surprised by the time he's committed to asking for salvation. But then, He remembers, This is Sawyer Lleget.

Sawyer wipes the tears of a begging man away from his eyes. "You said to pray until I feel worthy, Father. I never… feel… good enough." His head drops to Father's knee as the tears surface again. How can One stand to see such a troubled soul?

"You must prove your worth to feel your worth, my son. Practice your music and make no mistakes. That will show Todd your worthiness and willingness to be saved."

He does as he's asked. He walks to the piano as Father exits the Church to go to His house.

Sawyer plays. Over and over he plays until mistakes are none.

Mistakes are like failures.

Mistakes are sins.

They will leave him burning in the Rapture.