Marik Shadow D12 Resub [done] Oct 2, 2023 20:13:39 GMT -5
Post by Cato on Oct 2, 2023 20:13:39 GMT -5
og bioI've been told many times that I am a noble person, and many times I've asked people what they mean by this, but many haven't been able to give me a strong answer. Sometimes I hear words such as selfless, protective, kind hearted, someone who values his friendships more than anything else in the world, but these words still make me question who I am. I often times act according to how I am feeling, and sometimes that means I temporary disregard what others want from me. I want to make sure my needs are taken care of, so I truthfully don't see how I could possibly be selfless. Sometimes I feel like I'm simply not good enough, like I always have something to prove, and it's hard to rise to the level where I feel as though everyone respects me. I once was told it's because I don't respect myself, and that is a hard truth to learn to live with.
Being faced with the worst of situations has taught me to always keep a clear mind even in the face of danger. Of course, being in district twelve, the only thing I have to worry about is whether I will starve to death or not, but even then I try not to panic because the battle isn't over until it's over. Even in a simple game of cards, I try to never let my opponent know what I am thinking, and I try to always think things through so that I am staying one step ahead of anyone standing in my way, but sometimes my opponent simply outwits me, and that is where I feel I need to definitely draw the line. I may offer a simple congratulations, but at the end of the day, it only gives me the courage to keep diving into what I need to work on to improve upon myself.
I didn't have the best life growing up, and to this day, I still hate the Capitol for everything they've done to me and my family. When I was just a young boy, my father was killed by the peacekeepers because he tried escaping the district. Maybe he was on the run because of a crime he committed, or maybe he was just trying to live and find a new life outside the fence, whatever the case may be, they still killed him. I want nothing to do with the peacekeepers, and I want nothing to do with the Capitol. They say they all care, but everything they have done has proven to be nothing more than a load of garbage. They can pretend to care all they want, but actions speak louder than words, and the Capitol is simply speaking in a whisper.
I will never speak of that day, and when I am around my friends and my family, I always keep my facial expression as a serious, stoic expression. I may chuckle a time or two when someone says a joke, but at the end of the day, I have no desire to laugh or smile or make friends, really. Yeah, I have my friends, I have my sister, and I have my mom, but they are just people who stand by my side as I figure out ways to keep us all alive. I would never put them in harm's way, which is why I distance myself from them from time to time. The less they know about me, the better. The less likely they are to get in trouble and have the same fate as my father. I refuse to let anyone else die because of me, but if someone does it to themselves, then I will not step in to intervene.
The reason his death still haunts me and has affected me in a way I never thought it would is because I was definitely very attached to my father. Everything he was doing, I was doing too. I followed him closely, and sometimes it felt as though it was the only way to really get to know him. Even then, he was rarely home, and he was always working to make sure ends were met so that the rest of us would have a decent life. But life is never decent, not here in district twelve, but it 's all I ever knew. When he would go out to the shops, I would always put on my best outfit to make sure I was fit enough to follow along with him. I wanted to look and act exactly like him. Maybe that's why his death hit so hard because it still hurts even to this day.
My younger sister is my entire world, and sometimes we hang out together, but other times we do our own things. She likes to pick flowers, and I cannot bring myself to pick those flowers with her. I cannot bring myself to love what she does, but I will sit outside and watch her, I will protect her even when she feels she doesn't need saving. She gives me a sense of purpose, and she's one of the biggest reasons I haven't tried leaving the district and figuring out life outside the walls. I believe I would return back one day because I think I would miss them, but then again, why would I return? Why would I come back to this place that has no purpose? It's quite depressing here, but this place is all I know.
Everyone has a chance at life, and sometimes it's up to the individual person to make sense of their life. It's up to them to decide what works and doesn't work, and I've spent the last eighteen years learning about myself and getting closer to myself. It's amazing what happens when someone spends many years trapped with their own thoughts afraid to vocalize them. My hatred for the Capitol grows stronger with each passing second, and I'm afraid that one day I won't be able to hide it. I scoff at them, and I scoff at anyone who believes the nonsense they spew about. I've learned to remain silent because I don't want to end up like my father.
All I know now is that I am who I am. Some may think that I'm a selfless, noble person, but they truly don't know who I am. I'll play the part, I'll put on the act, and I'll do whatever is necessary to make sure my family stays out of harm's way because I do care for them, and I fear that if I fall out of line, everything bad will happen to them. So I toe the line without stepping over it. Maybe one day I'll find the strength to do what is needed and let myself cross to the other side, but right now isn't the time. I know I need an army, but I don't have one at this moment. Maybe one day the world will change, but until then, I'll keep the mask on until I'm safe to remove it.