as it was.

I went to work today as if it was any other day. I walked through the creaking door to the bar, just as I would as if nothing was different. The smell of alcohol overwhelmed me just as if it was my first day at work. The bar was scarcely populated by the barflies that never seemed to leave their chosen spots. Old man Sean was passed out with his head on the counter. I already knew that I would have to clean up his vomit sometime throughout my shift, if not at the very beginning. Harold from down the street was muttering into a half empty beer glass. Probably about his wife, he was always complaining about his wife. Amos and Clyde were in a heated debate about something, it was probably about how they can’t afford to pay their beers with the salary they got. Not to forget the old hag, Debby…I would give her five minutes before she would start complaining about my clothes.

Everything was just how I had left it yesterday after my shift. Nothing ever changes around here. Nothing that matters anyway. My world had shifted, accepted new change when I met Marcellus, the moment his lost eyes searched for safety in the tavern. My reality had a new meaning, when I would return to his bed in his apartment instead of my family house. My work may have not changed, but he had opened my eyes up to a life outside of this place. A life I never thought I would get, for with each passing day I was convinced my future was solidified in stone. I was stuck here, never being able to escape.

”You’ve been here for more than a minute, doll. Where’s my drink? Or did that darn boy of yours steal your last brain cell” huffed a patron at me. Abel, he was a grumpy old bastard. Thought the world revolved around him, there was not much to do other than roll your eyes and make him drink. When I started working here, I hated him with every ounce of my body (sometimes I still do), but slowly I had learned not to take him all to seriously. I could not take anything that goes on here too seriously otherwise it might just cause me sanity.

My eyes rolled at his rude remarks as I snapped a piece of cloth at him. You might expect the hospitality staff to be kind and take everything with a smile. Not here you don’t. No, this was the place where if you knew someone long enough, rudeness almost seemed kind. The bickering of an old married couple was comforting and throwing an insult back at a regular was a sign of respect. Every now and then, there was a new lost soul that would join the ranks. A person first met with a kind smile and even kinder words. The treatment I gave Marcus when he accidently found his way to the barstool in front of me.

His anxious look was enticing. A fresh new face that had opened my eyes up to a world I never thought I would be part of. The kind where I could see myself happy. Then it was all ripped away from me. I desperately tried to convince myself that he would come home, he would find his way back to me. I wanted to believe that there was future for the both of us, despite my best efforts I knew it was not true.

I placed the fresh beer in front of Abel as he just muttered something I assumed was not a thank you but close enough. His gaze seemed to be held captive by the screen behind me. It was playing the games. I did not have to see or even listen to know that was a fact. Every place with a screen in this district was playing the games. They had to, it was what was expected of the citizens of eleven. This year was special, a relative of a victor…district eleven’s victor was up on that screen. The boy that changed my life, the person that helped me understand the meaning home. He was up on that damn screen, and I could not watch.

I hoped he would win. I even prayed every night that he would somehow make it through…I was not the praying kind. From the tension dancing in Abel’s eyes, I knew something was happening. I could feel it in the air of the entire building. A shiver was sent down my spine, urging me to turn around and see his face up on the screen. A voice inside yelling at me that I needed to watch, I needed to still believe he would come home. Not for me, but for him.

Believe in him.

I wish I could.

I really wanted to.

I already knew he would die.

”Tsiuri, you might want to turn around” a voice called out. I couldn’t tell who it was, I honestly did not care. My efforts to ignore the games, the disgruntled voices of the tributes were failing. With the towel in my hand, I tried to find comfort in the distraction of cleaning up the mess. A task that was withing my bounds of control for it was something I could help. Unlike the situation in the arena that was far beyond my reach.

My body was frozen in time. Memories of the good times racing through my thoughts. I remembered the day Marcus first took me to his new place, a safe haven where we could be together. Just the two of us (and his dog of course). I pondered about the day we met; the way the fates had worked together to make sure he was at the right place at the right time. The friend (who I never had the chance to meet) that stood him up, every last detail of chance that had to fall into place.

For it all was being ripped away from me.

A part of me that I would never get back would soon leave me, unwillingly. All the prayer, all the thoughts and all the hope in the world would never be able to return what was taken. Not taken, stolen, in the most gruesome of manners. My body turning itself around as my fingers gripped into the counter cutting off my blood flow. White knuckles keeping me upright as I watched the boy from district four force his spear into Marcus’s arm. The final blow, the one that had brought his life to an end.

I stood their stunned, eyes wide open as I swallowed my guilt. For what, you might ask. The guilt that I could not save him. The guilt that he could tell that I knew he was not coming home. The guilt that ate away at my hear, my body and my soul because I did not believe in him when it was most important. I was a coward, afraid of reality and most importantly afraid to believe that life would ever work out in my favor.

”T….Uh Tsiuri, do you need a moment?” my boss finally speaking from the barstool his ass was glued on to. Nobody called me T before Marcus, and no one ever would. They did not have the right to call me that, T was a girl who had room for love in her heart. Tsiuri was as cold blooded as they come.

”I think I need some fresh air” my voice as quiet as the footsteps of a mouse. The world around me had began to disappear, the chatter of the patrons turning mute, and my vision had blurred out everything around me.

In this very moment, reality had seized to exist.

I walked along an invisible line guiding me through the backdoor to an alleyway littered with trash and a stray cat meowing somewhere between dead plants and empty soda cans. My body moved against my will; I had lost all control of myself so instead I watched the bad movie I was currently starring in. My legs could no longer support my own weight and I had collapsed on the pavement steps not knowing what to do next.

My finger found a cigarette and before I knew it, it was carefully positioned between my lips. A lighter igniting a flame close enough to my face for my skin to feel the heat.

I inhaled and the tears began to fall.

The misery was just the same, the hopelessness reigned once again.

Everything just as it was.