The Case Against Twlight

Point One: Bella Swan

Bella Swan is the kind of character that makes writers and reader cry out to the gods of writing in despair. She suffers from the Unholy Trinity of Character Problems.

Point One: Flatness of Character

As the main character of a story, you'd think that said character would be vivid with personality; that the author stretched her imagination with flaws and such to make the character as good as possible. Alas, with Twilight, it is not so.What semblance of personality Bella does have revolves around one Edward Cullen. Her life goal? To become a vampire and live with Sparkle!Edward forever. Her dreams? To become a vampire and live with Sparkle!Edward forever. Her future plans? To become a vampire and — oh, you know the rest.

“Wait!” argues the discerning (or defensive) reader. “She likes other things beside Edward! Like classic literature.” This is true. Yet her love for the classics always seems to tie in with her relationship to Edward. She has Romeo and Juliet memorized. You know, the archetypical tale of young, star-crossed lovers filled with forbidden passion? What a coincidence! There are, like, total parallels to her romance with Sparkleman, which the author makes sure to bash us over the head with.

And her other favorite classic, Wuthering Heights, involves a man all-consumed by a love so powerful that nothing can stop it:

“What is it that appeals to you?”
His sincere curiosity disarmed me. “I’m not sure,” I said, scrambling for coherency [….] “I think it’s something about the inevitability. How nothing can keep them apart — not her selfishness, or his evil, or even death, in the end….”

Wow, just like Edward and Bella! The parallels here are as subtle as Alotta Fagina’s moniker. After all, Edward believes that as a vampire he has no soul (and if he develops any more qualities commonly shared with disco, he just may be right), and to be soulless is to hover on the brink of evil. Plus he drinks blood and has venomous teeth and all that. Evil! And Bella is a selfish little git who is more concerned about getting laid by her new husband than she is about the terrible conflict it puts him through. And death certainly can’t keep them apart — we are talking about the undead here, folks.

And I’ve really digressed. What were we talking about? Bella’s personality, right. Or lack thereof. Right, so aside from the case that nothing exists to her name that isn’t centered around Edward, we also have her flat narration to deal with. Her robotic, time-for-my-daily-blog-entry tone does little to expound upon her character.

And the parts of her personality that we are privy to are frankly that which we’d rather avoid: her self-pity and insecurities. We are repeatedly exposed to events with narration like this:

He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me.

And like this:

I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.

And like this:

I’d never done anything good enough to deserve a friend like Jacob.

And finally, like this:

I’d been so glad to see Jacob here. I knew the sacrifice it had taken him. And then I’d ruined it, turned his gift into a disaster. I should be quarantined.

She's a limp, wet rag. Personality-lite. Only three calories (one for each emotion)! Warning: mixing with Sparkle!Edward results in 240 grams of sugar per serving. The Twilight series and its author cannot be held responsible for any cases of vomiting, diabetic coma, or brain death.

And while we're on the subject of brain death...

Smart? HA!

Another sad thing about Bella, besides her utter lack of personality, is her utter stupidity. Seriously, she's as dumb as a brick.

Funnily enough, she's supposed to be one smart cookie. Responsible, practical. Advanced program. Memorized Romeo and Juliet. In her own words, "Someone responsible, cautious. The grown-up."

And yet, despite all these examples of her intellect, she does some very, very, very stupid things

For example, when her mother is "kidnapped" by the Big Bad Vamp, she...

Slowly, slowly, my thoughts started to break past that brick wall of pain. To plan. For I had no choices now but one: to go to the mirrored room and die. I had no guarantees, nothing to give to keep my mother alive. […] Despair gripped me; there was no way to bargain, nothing I could offer or withhold that could influence him. But I still had to no choice. I had to try.”

Heartwrenching at first glance. A Daring Daughter going off to save the helpless mother. One problem.

SHE'S GOT A FREAKING FAMILY OF VAMPIRES ON HER SIDE!!! With special talents and all that. They're better than ninjas! Yeah, the baddie said no help, but honestly... They can figure out some way to have her back. They're vampires! We were born with brains for a reason. USE THEM.

Of course, she doesn't tell the Cullens and goes off by herself. And gets the crap kicked out of her. But survives. Unfortunately...

However, this idiocy pales in contrast to the Mother of All Idiotic Ideas that happens in the second books.

Okay, first, let's review. Bella's clumsy. That's shoved in our faces often. She's so friggen clumsy, it's not even funny. Okay, it is a little. But seriously. She can't even walk through a garage with falling and beating herself bloody.

So, with this level of clumsiness... Does it seem like a good idea for her to dive off a cliff in the middle of the a freakin storm!?

Scratch that. Is that a good idea for anyone?!

Not only that, she seems surprised when Alice thinks that that was a suicide attempt.

Wow...

Point Three: Bella Sue

Okay, so, in the beginning, there are two major flaws that could have made some problems for her. She whines about being Plain Jane about 10 pages into the book, and she's clumsier than a bull in a china shop. Troubling flaws. At first glance.

Despite her "plainess", Bella is instantly the most popular girl in school. Okay, I can roll with that. Small town. New girl. She'd get attention, even if she was the hunchback from 300. However, it kind of makes the point of being "plain" moot, seeing as how beauty is usually what makes you popular.

As for clumsiness... Well, that becomes an endearing quality that allows the male characters to coo over her.

These types of flaws-but-not-really-flaws are very common with Mary Sues. Bella is loved by nearly everyone. All the Cullens love her. Even Rosalie, who seemed to hate her, but really just didn't want Bella to ruin her life.

The final straw was the fact that everything works out perfectly for her. Take New Moon for example. She is abandoned by Edward, and, months later, is reunited with him. However, her previously horrible wounds to her heart, mind, and soul that made her a carrot for months are instantly healed by simply being with him. No resentment. No bitterness. Nothing.

And then... all the flaws-but-not-really are swept away when she takes the plunge and becomes a vampire.

Clumsiness. Gone.

Plain? No more!

Not only that, after much build up on how being a newborn will be rife with tragedy and horror... She breezes right through it. There was a goldmine of stuff SM could have done with this, but instead... Nothing.

What was the point of turning Bella into a vampire, then!?

Oh... right... With the act of becoming a vampire, her "flaws" (Plainess and clumsiness) are gone. She is now offically perfect.

Not only that, she's insanely passive. While she (alledgedly) have beliefs, she never asserts herself. Conflict is healthy for a plot, but whenever Bella looks into Edward's golden eyes, all her thoughts cease.

BLECH!

Finale!

And on that note, I end my rant.

The true problem with Bella Cullen, formerly Bella Swan, is that she goes through all these problems without changing. Vampirism might of solved this, but instead, it made everything worse. Throughout all the books, she never suffers tragic consequences. How can a character who gets everything she wants and more with so little sacrifice possibly be good?