how i became the sea - [toast]
Feb 1, 2012 7:20:44 GMT -5
Post by ✨ zozo. on Feb 1, 2012 7:20:44 GMT -5
quartz stonewall
district four
i'd swim across lake michigan,
i'd sell my shoes,
i'd give my body to be back again in the rest of the room;
to be alone with you.
i've never known a man who loved me.
i'd sell my shoes,
i'd give my body to be back again in the rest of the room;
to be alone with you.
i've never known a man who loved me.
Staring out at the sea in front of her, Quartz refused to look directly at Blake as he sat next to her in the empty space she’d kept for him. Her mind ticked with frustration and guilt, still not making up its mind. Her compulsive, automatic distrust in anyone and everyone for so long had caused her mind to forget what it was like to truly put faith in another person (other than her Dad, of course). Her Dad would never leave her, never hurt her – but other people could. Blake could. Hell, anyone could. Surely the fact that Blake had saved her life twice today and that she’d led Blake to this place was enough evidence to prove that she trusted him, right?[/b] he asked, and Quartz nodded in response. [/color] “Yup. Well, my Dad does. But I only come here. Never seen anyone here before, at least. It’s nice though, having this little secret spot that no-one knows about, like the Capitol just forgot about it, or something,” she explained truthfully, finding herself rambling on a little. But the ocean had that affect on her – her mind seemed clearer and easier to understand. Explainable, even to herself.
You caught me, she thought to herself once Blake settled into his sitting position, limbs just a few mere centimetres from her skin. Somehow I couldn’t slip through your fingers.
And then it hit her.
She did not entrust emotion in anyone, because her entire life, she’d been slowly brainwashed in fear by the Capitol. Every year, she’d been forced to watch brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, lovers, friends – watch them all rip themselves apart as loved ones were sent off to their deaths and have to watch them suffer four hours, days, weeks. Bleed out on the ground, get beaten to a pulp, poisoned, ripped apart by muttations, spear through the back,drown, arrow through the heart. The possibilities were seemingly endless, and they had to watch it unfold. Even if they were lucky enough to have someone come back, everyone changes in the arena. You don’t get back your friend, son, daughter, brother, sister, lover. Once their name is drawn, is goodbye for good. What was the point if her future could end up like that? What if she herself was reaped? Heaven forbid it – but still. It could happen. Could she let herself risk that? And not only risk one more reaping, but the other wild ideas swimming around her head. Cheating, lying, teasing, distance, being ignored. You hear about it from whispered rumours in school and around town from silly little girls you can’t believe are your own age and pretend to care, never thinking it could happen to you. Because you’re too strong. Too independent. Too... dubious. Could Quartz risk that?
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
I. Don’t. Know.
The sound of Blake’s voice brought Quartz’s attention back to the real world. It was nice, having a distraction from her flimsy thoughts that could expand and shrink in the blink of an eye. The delicate sound of waves against the sandy shores calmed her a little, dipping her healthy foot into the water, appreciative of the icy nips at her toes that kept her level-headed. She couldn’t let her thoughts run away with her again.
“So, basically, no one else knows about this place? Just you? And now me, I guess?"
As she talked, Quartz felt Blake’s arm sneak around her shoulders. She must have been looking cold, maybe shivering a little, not realising it herself. A twinge of guilt struck her as she thought of Blake, who still hadn’t gotten himself a t-shirt. Although she tensed up a little at his touch, she knew it was important to share as much body heat as possible when cold, so scooted up a little under his arm and rested her head on his arm, staring out into the ocean as she thought.
It’s complicated, they’d say, when they stumbled across a confusing math problem at school. It’s complicated, they’d say, when people weren’t sure what orders where being processed to the Capitol and which fishing nets were being sent to which shop. It’s complicated, they’d say, when you liked someone a lot, enough to want to spend time with them and only them, and almost drowned twice in one day, and had someone save your life and had a food fight in your kitchen and let them kiss you, but just didn’t know where your head, or your heart, was. And that’s just how Quartz felt. Complicated. She’d kissed him. Check. She’d felt something. Check. She was now sitting curled up underneath his arms, leaning into his shoulder. Check. She wanted to be more than friends? Sorry, Quartz isn’t available right now. Please leave a message after the beep, and try again later.
She needed reassurance. Absolute reassurance that she was going to be ok. That they, whatever they was, were going to be ok. And she needed to hear it from Blake. Turning her head to face his, Quartz looked up at Blake from her position on his shoulder and hoped her face looked solemn enough to let him know she was beings serious.
”Sorry for running off like that,” she said quietly. ”It’s just... confusing, I guess.” Hoping she didn’t screw up what she was trying to say next, she trekked on. ”It’s not your fault or anything, it’s mine. I don’t... I don’t really trust, that well. At all. I mean, I can, but... what I’m trying to say is that... I need security. I need to know that I’m not just gonna end up miserable. I need to... to know that you’re not just using me” she rushed. ”And I know that’s really shallow of me, and needy, and whatever else, but... yeah. I'm the package deal or nothing” she finished, feeling her cheeks burn scarlett at her sudden opening up to Blake, spine rigid and tense, braced for his reaction.
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