Reaching Perfection //Kheft

I feel like I’ve been broken apart and put back together in some new fashion, but looking down I see nothing that wasn’t there before. That feels so wrong, unbelievable, for so much to have happened in the last hour, something about me should reflect that change. I’m a different creature than I used to be, someone who knows hunger and satisfaction, and the paths you walk to get from one to the other.

This girl still wound in my arms is amazing, and my eyes are already admiring her once again, it’s like I can’t get over the fact that she’s here, let alone what we just finished doing. I know the smile on my face must be ten shades of goofy, but I can’t help myself. In fact, with the joys of being young, I’m practically ready to start all over again. I’m preparing to flip her back under me and relive the magic, only I realize that Everly doesn’t seem as euphoric. Her face is creased in concentration and…regret? Is she wishing we hadn’t…that I hadn’t…? All previous thoughts of indulgence are banished, and now I’m just a puddle of anxiety. She’s handing me my tablet, abandoned a lifetime ago, and for a moment I’m terrified that she’s about to kick me out.

"You know, I'm not as awful as you think. I'm not just some silly rich girl who feels bad when she breaks her nail. I have feelings and needs, that I can't even put words to without the fear my mom is going to hide me away again."

Then the floodgates are opening, and it’s as if she’s been trying to tell me all of this for so long and it’s only just now becoming audible. Oh Everly, I know…I already know. And I do. Somehow, without her needing to explain why she is this way, I’ve known that it was motivated by fear…fear of being rejected. How her parents could force such impossible standards on their child, I won’t ever understand.

"I wouldn't have been allowed out of the house if he saw this. Its a flaw, it means I'm worthless."

I’m angry now, in a way that only watching someone I care for get hurt can make me. I wrap her finger in my hand, tugging her by it until she’s back against my chest. Not satisfied until I can feel her heart beating against the place where my own is palpable. Then breathing grows easier, knowing she’s not asking me to leave, not yet.

"If you miss it so much there, what did you do to get yourself here? You must love the person you gave it all up for."

Love my father? I suppose I did, but it wasn’t an all-consuming adoration like I knew some children held for a parent. We had just been too different, so far apart in our desires and pursuits. I stood to protect him without even a second-thought, and I guess that counts for something. When it comes down to it, it meant I loved him, right? I nod my head slowly to Everly, but I don’t elaborate on the question. Instead I turn it back on her.

“If you hate it so much here, why do you stay?”

She could be with me. It was a dizzying thought, one filled with so much desire and fear. To have this girl in my life for more than one, body-warming instant in time…to come home to her, wake up beside her, have a family together? There were no laws about Avox’s being unable to marry. It was scandalous, of course. The very idea that a dalliance might exist between a Capitolite and an Avox was sensational enough, although it was rumored to happen on occasion. Could I subject her to that sort of ridicule and derision? Would it even be worth all that she’d lose? I was just one boy, and I could never offer her everything that she was afforded now. All I could do was learn to love her, and maybe hope that she could love me some day. Besides, what if I’d just gotten her pregnant!

The idea gripped my throat so I could barely breathe. Neither of us had taken precautions, it hadn’t even occurred to me. Babies happen, right? I mean…without trying…we could still have? I couldn’t mention it to her, but if she was pregnant, there was no question that I’d make sure she was taken care of. My fingers stroked her ribcage with a gentleness that I hoped could erase any troubles.

It’s like fitting together the pieces of the puzzle, Everly and I, wanting to know how the other person is constructed. What made us become this piece of art that so interests the other? The little snippets she is offering might seem unimportant to an onlooker, but to me they are of the utmost importance. I see something here that I know I’ve been missing out on for years. I don’t know where it’s going, but I’m not about to be left behind for the ride.

“I love dogs too, but cats are more interesting to watch. I drink cocoa only when it’s snowing. I hate eel, and I love my mother’s biscuits. I used to have freckles, and a beard…but Venus took me for skin treatments, so I don’t grow facial hair anymore, and I don’t freckle either.” I think about that fact for a moment, and wonder if she’d like me better with a beard, or maybe the hair would be itchy.

“My dad used to say that swimming in the ocean is like making love to a woman.” I know my face reddens at that, because I can’t help my mind wandering back to my own fresh experiences with just this. “It’s different every time depending on her mood.” This grin I give her is full of teasing, like I would give my sister after some childhood prank.

“And, I’ve never been in love before…so I guess I’ll have to let you know when I figure it out.” I only hope that this will last, that I can learn what it is like to make love to her in all of her moods…even just to be near her, to know what those emotions look like on her face.

This moment in time was blissful, and I would have liked to paint it on canvas, save it forever exactly as I was experiencing--the vivid shades of emotion captured in rich oil hues, crimson and gold passion, and the darker midnight-blue peacefulness. It sparkled so brilliantly in my imagination, but I had originally come for a purpose, and Venus would expect me back at the shop...

I glanced at the time on my tablet and was shocked to see that several hours had passed, I was long over the time alotted for the appointment. Reluctant though I was to leave Everly now, it would be far too suspicious to stay longer. There were still so many questions asked and unasked that wanted for answers, and I was already anticipating the next excuse to spend time with this girl. My lips pressed an apologetic kiss against her forehead.

"Everly, I need to head back. I've already been here longer than was scheduled. Venus will begin to wonder why I've not returned. Let me show you the designs I prepared for your gown, and then I really must go."

Her weight was nothing to shift, and I lifted both of us off the comfortable mattress and back into the reality of our world. Our clothing was scattered haphazardly, and even when collected and donned, it hung with odd creases that hadn't previously existed. Ah well, likely no one would notice. The sketch pad was still in the other room, and I guided us both that way. Flipping open to the designs, the paper angled towards Everly, I waited to see if the garment was satisfactory.

The fabric that would be paired is a dramatic blue, cut high in front and dropping away to an open back, I felt that it would accent Everly's daring without causing her any discomfort by baring too much cleavage. A pattern of glistening circles that overlapped across the material gave an impression of scales, as if she had emerged some marine creature of exceptional beauty. Perhaps a siren, like we had sailing myths about, luring unsuspecting men to their watery deaths.