With A Heart Of Gold// {luke}

I had so many dreams. I was on top of the highest mountain, looking down at the vastness of the world before me. I was in a lake, on a boat, fishing, with just me and a rod, and the slowness of the earth to guide me. I was in a clearing of the woods, a big celebration, where all of the kids were there, and February, and my father and mother. There was congratulation, there was sunlight, and there was happiness. There was the warmth I so rarely felt there, and happiness so unrestrained I knew by the end that it was a dream.

We so rarely get to dream anymore, really. There’s lightness to February and to some of them, but there are no dreams to be had here. I have offered them only my support and that is not enough for them to dream. I try to think big, to get them to imagine life beyond what we have, but it is too tiring for me. There will be time for them to grow and struggle, but I hope that somehow, they will dream and hope of more than what I can give them. For now I feel myself waking as my dreams melt away into the void between my eyes and ears.

I’m with February again, and my arms are wrapped around her body. I know that it’s early still from the little sun and the peacefulness of the house. I want her to stay and to continue where we’d left off from the night before, but I know that there is no return to where we were before. At least, not for now. I blink my eyes a few times and let out a small sigh. She may never know how wildly I care about her—this may be a passing fancy—but I can keep this for my dreams, for the moments when I need to think of how lovely being with someone else was.

“Good morning sunshine,” I whisper softly into her ear as I bring myself close to her. I want her to know that she’s special, and that this was special, but I’m not sure I can find the words. I don’t want to scare her off with all that I’m thinking, so instead I go with the unembellished truth. “I thought about you so much last night…”

I brush a few strands of hair behind her ear and grin. All the anxiousness and silliness of the past day is so distant now. I really needed just an evening to sort my head out and to see things more clearly. I suppose that maybe that was all I ever needed. The kids could never know that this had happened. They could never know that February had come here to sleep with me, but not to just sleep with me. Even though nothing had happened, I still felt that this little tryst went further than either of us had expected. I harbored some doubts about what she would say after this, but for now I could be happy that she was in bed with me.

I shifted some with the contours of her body, and I relaxed my hold. I would have to rise soon, too. There was breakfast to be made, and kids to be awoken. There was a shower to be taken, and a job to be done. I would have to down a few glasses of water and ready myself for another long day of cleaning up everyone’s messes. At least now I had something to think of while I scooped up this and that. I could be happy with that. I think it would last me for a while, at least.

“Hey, are you awake sleepyhead?” I shake her shoulders playfully. It’s a language I’ve reserved for the youngest of us—and yet I find it particular fitting for her.

As she touches my cheek, I’m all smiles. Even in the break of day, and I know that soon we’ll be rustling to play catch up with all we have to do for the kids, there is some peace here. I stick my tongue out at her and move my body underneath the sheets to reveal myself some more. Certainly there was just a bit of time before the first of them would begin waking.

“Someday we can just run away together, maybe, after they’ve all gone away…” I say as I think about the future. That wouldn’t be for some time, but I can imagine the two of us finally getting to live our own dreams when all of them were gone. But that wouldn’t be for some time.

“We could have a little house that isn’t quite so…”
I searched for the word, not realizing how much I was using the plural—not the royal—we. It was something that came so easily, even though our night together was nothing much more than usual. It still made me happy to think that I’d held her in my arms. I could chalk it up to alcohol, which I would, but for now, I could smile at her and our momentary escape.

“…dank,” I say, thinking that perhaps this word best described all of us. We were stuck in a place that trapped the darkness, both physical and metaphysical. But I could live with the fact that we were doing the best we could. “You want me to help you with the kid’s stuff?”

Of course, her hand is traveling down me and I let out little gasp of surprise. I mean, it's all well and good but I'm not sure how to respond to her advances. But I do want it. I grin. "Feel something you like?

As she mentions the ones who she doesn’t think will leave, I shake my head. All of them will grow up. There’s still time for them to change, to grow, and to make their own decisions. We just had to try harder to get them to be themselves, and to feel comfortable. December especially needed a special touch. I just hoped that we were up to the task.

“Hey… hey now, what’s wrong?” I say as she presses herself into my chest. It’s a bit unexpected, but I realize I must have struck a nerve. While I feel a sense of pride in the kids growing up and moving out, she feels an attachment and closeness that caused her pain.

“It’s all right… they all have to face it sometime… even us…”
Soon we too would have to accept this. One or some of them would leave us, and we’d have to be able to let go. I opened my mouth to speak, but hearing her reply was enough for me. My cheeks burned and I smiled. I’d never thought I’d hear something like that from February, at least, not the way I thought.

“You’re all special like that Ary… every one of them makes me happy, even if I don’t show it…” I say as I stroke her hair. “Especially you…”

It was an interesting choice of words. She thought I cared about most of them. As if I didn’t know who she was referring to. I knew pretty well there was something between us, but I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I cared enough to speak his name. After all, she had slept in my bed and told me that I was the one that she needed. I could lord that over him if the time ever came.

As she pulls away from me I realize that again she’s backing off. Again, I realize that perhaps there was just too much between the two of us to let go, at least where we were right now. As much as I’d have liked her to have kept her hand down there… I know that we have a job to do. And I will whistle while I work this morning, despite the fact that things were ending so abruptly.

“… I’ll help with breakfast. And with getting their stuff together. I’ll be so good I’ll even make Gus’s lunch…” I say with a gentle nudge, knowing that I can’t help myself. “Of course… I will want another kiss…” I say with grin.

As she pounces I’m somewhat surprised. I thought that instead she would be upset with me, but now it seems like she fancied something more. I bring my hands up a bit in a faux struggle. She’s quite an enigma to me still, even after these years. I let out a sigh as my smile beams from ear to ear.

“You’ll get more than that if you’re not careful!” I whisper up to her as her lips hover so close to me. I know that there’s a flirtation there, but I’m not going to let this lie. Instead, I’ll pursue the advance, and she can decide just what direction she wanted to go. And with that, I leaned forward.

Our lips pressed together, and again I forgot the world and all that was going on around us. Even though there was so much to be done, and likely at a dizzying pace, I wasn’t quite ready to be freed from this. No, the warmth of her and her lips was enough to distract me from all that needed to be done.

The kiss that I get from her is sweet, but I can feel her pull back again. I look at her quickly, not wanting her to stop, but I can already tell that there’s not much more that I’ll be getting from her. I’m puzzled for a moment as she shifts off of me and onto the bed.

She wants my help. I know that she doesn’t really need me so much with breakfast, but I think deeper. She does need my help with other things. I wished she knew how much that I wanted for her. And also, how much that I just loved having her here with me. But I could never let her know just how much that meant.

“I suppose...” I say with a roll of my eyes as I sit up on the bed with a grin. “You’ll owe me more later… I mean, my love doesn’t come cheap.” And at once I stand up quickly, realizing that I’d casually dropped the word. The word above all words that through a sheer out-of-place but oh-so-particular meaning had made its way into our conversation. I stop for a moment and stare at her, scratching myself nervously.