Maybe This Time [Rook]

r u b i k + w o o d a r d s

_{no warning sign, no alibi
we faded faster than the speed of light
took our chance, crashed and burned
no we'll never ever learn}

This nightmare, this world inside my head... I tell myself that's all it is, just imaginary but it feels and looks so real. Am I hallucinating? Have I finally gone crazy? Or is this a vision, a message or some kind of transmission? I can't tell, but I need to wake up soon, for I don't know what state I'm in. Heck, I could be dead and I wouldn't even know. Is the afterlife a place where we see our fears? Visions of Hope being taken away and the bleeding body of my twin confirm this.

Yet this could all just be in my head, not a hellish world of sin and punishment. I kneel on the infinite plain of blackness, next to the body of my twin. I look away, not wanting to see the pool of blood that he lies in. Not wanting the shame and pain of seeing his corpse. The cruelty of the Games are everywhere- On television, in the papers, in the shops... And now, it's in my mind. I can't get away. All I want to do is-

fall

Into the abyss I go, the floor is now nothing, the body of my brother gone. All I have is this falling sensation. Falling and falling, knowing that at the end of fall there is a cold, hard reality that smashes into you. It doesn't come. The bottom of the pit does not take me. Instead, my velocity decreases... I descend into a strange floating sensation. I've stopped falling and now I'm flying. Like swimming in a formless black state.

I let the state take me where it wants, my hands waving about like I have any form of control. I close my eyes, but I still see. This is in my head after all - Closing my eyes won't do anything. My form is twisted as I spiral through the continuous unknown. I like it. It's like I'm at peace, not having to worry or care. If I am dead, and this is the afterlife, I'd be okay with that. Assuming that the horrific visions don't return.

Now I really am floating. I control it, leaning back as if I'm relaxing on a bed. In this lying position, I relax. Careless and free. This conscious unconsciousness is bizarre, but when it's as slow paced and calming as this, I could stay here forever. I close my eyes anyway, just trying to doze off into a sleep within a sleep. I hope I never wake up. I hope I don't have to face whatever awaits me. Responsibility, emotions... All that crap I've put up with for the past few weeks. And Naif, of course... The guy who knocked me out is still up there.

Here is calm. The visions are gone, they have left me alone. I chose to abandon the corpse of my twin and stop pursuing my sister. Everyone I care about is gone, I've given up and maybe it's best. I can just float here on my own.

Having fun?
AGH! I yell. My float descends into a mad seizure for control. I maintain this flight, suddenly out of breath and full of panic. Impossible. Pandora's dead... So why is his voice ringing in my head? Because... Because this-
Because this is in your head... Right?
Right...

It's weird. His voice rings in my head, like telepathy. I'm responding naturally with something that's not speech, but not quite a thought either. I spin around in the watery abyss, my eyes searching. I see no Pandora. My arms push the stateless void around me, kind of like a swimming motion. I seem to get somewhere with it, so I persevere. Pan's voice is gone... For now. Is he still there, just not talking? I shake my head and keep 'swimming' forever, not getting tired or losing pace. The void is endless and the same, no signs of progress except for the flecks of dust that circle everywhere.

I carry on for what seems like an eternity. For all I know, it could be that long. I'm dead, right? I could be in a coma... Or this is all some sick dream. Whatever it is, time seems to stretch in here. Seconds become minutes and yet minutes are decades... I wait patiently for signs of something significant to show my progress. Eventually I spot a glimmer some distance away. I fly there as fast as I can, wanting more than this vast nothingness. I don't stop flying, or floating, until the speck becomes a large shimmer in front of me. I see now that it is a giant plain of glass, perfectly polished to show my reflection.

I see my reflection and look down at myself in reality. Bruised, battered, covered in this dust from the brick and mortar. I'm a wreck. Missing a tooth, bruised eyebrow, cut open lip. Yet the reflection of myself is so different. In my reflection my hair is shorter, I have less facial hair. I seem younger somewhat. The reflection has a large wound on the side of it's face and wears a cocky smile that makes my heart sink. It's now I realize that it's not my reflection... It's a window.

You found me then... He says without moving his lips, for I hear the voice of my dead brother inside my head. He stares at me with a look of content. He sees the state that I am in, he knows instantly that I've been in conflict. Is he proud? Wait. What am I saying? This isn't Pandora, this is some part of my head that's projecting my image of Pandora... Pan is dead, and unless I am dead, this can't be him.
But it looks so real

I'm not sure whether to be happy or distraught. If I can talk to him, if I'm dead and reunited with him... Then I'm happy. Yet if this is just another trick of the mind, I'll be so destroyed an-
Yeah? Just shut up, you're giving me a headache... He stares at me with a false anger. I can't help but crack a smile. Is it real? Does it matter if it's real? All that matters is that he's here, and I can talk to him.
I miss you... I say, sounding a little pathetic... But who cares? This is my dead brother. He doesn't respond, staring at me with his dead eyes.
You're really not going to say anything? I ask, thinking of how this projection of my twin is a little heartless. Then Pandora always was quite heartless.
What do you want me to say? He folds his arms, even though I do not. The reflection is far from identical to me.

A 'hello' would be nice... I mutter, scrunching up my face. It's all a little surreal and strange to be "speaking" to him. I play along with it for now.
Hello Rubik. How's life? He says in an all too official voice. Almost mocking my seriousness.
Awful. My brother just died...
Sounds rough...
It is. How're things on your end?
Eh... Can't complain... He shrugs, and eventually grins at me. I break down into a laugh and he joins in, like a true reflection. I place my hand on the barrier, the reflection follows suit. I feel nothing but the cold reality that I can never touch my twin again. He's dead, and we're separated by this window. Be it real or not real, the reality hits me hard.

I can't do this on my own, Pandora... I say, the laughing having died. He stares at me with sad eyes, no sign of a sarcastic grin on his face this time. He's serious and I feel it in my stomach. I know the words that I will hear, before I hear them...
You're going to have to...

---

Light. Daylight? Yes. Daylight. Real light. The darkness, the dream world, the plain of glass, my brother... They are all gone. Cut out at the uttering of a plain statement. Pandora is dead, and I need to move on. It's cold, hard truth, but I take it at last. I accept and learn. The bond is broken and I've come to terms with his death. Not only that, but I've learned that now I am no longer a half, but my own person. I can be who I choose.

Right now I've chosen to be trapped under a mountain of bricks. I can't move, and when I try to my body rattles and quivers in pain. My left arm is crushed and I can't feel my legs. For a moment, I'm terrified that I've paralyzed myself, but I wiggle my toes and feel a sharp pain. It's a slight relief. My head sticks out from the rubble, as does my right arm. I try to shift a few bricks, but it's too painful. I give up eventually.

I'm pissed off that I didn't get to say goodbye to Pan. If it was him, I would have wanted him to know how I felt about losing him. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me.

Maybe you don't need to say. Maybe he already knows...

Maybe.

"Rubie!"
"Hope!" I respond the the beacon of relief. She rushes in and starts to dig me out. She frantically checks me over, asking me if I'm okay and where hurts and other questions. It's all a blur and my head hurts. I'm probably concussed. I know that the physical healing of all this will take a while, but I relax in the factor of knowing that I've already recovered mentally.

Naif is gone, it would seem. I hope he doesn't return, I don't think I could take another beating from him. He's certainly strange, and I stand by what I said about how Pandora would be proud of my actions, whereas Cyrus would be ashamed of his. Come to think of it, he left me. Did he think me dead? Or was he merciful. I have to think this over for a while, before coming to the decision to forget Naif Malloc. I'll never know what happened during my unconsciousness.

Maybe that's for the best.

i fell apart
but got back up again