The price of the passage (LOST plot)

As I start to get lost in my own emotions and tears, a hand touches my shoulder softly. I look up briefly and see its Nick. I just look back at the ground, too disappointed in myself to let my feelings get the best of me. He runs his fingers through my tangled hair which comforts me a little, frankly because, my brother used to do the same when I was little. This all was oh too familiar. It shook me even more, causing my sobbing to increase. What a child I was.

”I’m sorry for… I guess… ruining your life.” he said gently looking at my red face. I shook my head, tears spilling and staining the sand beneath us. I looked him in the eyes, still shaking my head. ”You didn’t ruin it, it was ruined long before you came along.” I said, a bit of a terribly depressed laugh in my voice. It was all true though. My life was already ruined; this just added some adventure to its horrible reputation.

All my parents ever did was drink after he died; it’s all they could think of. We went broke, almost losing our house, but we got some help from my old boyfriend’s, rich, family who took pity on us. They shouldn’t have though. I came to hate that guy, only a stuck up career trying to make a good name for him. They stopped supporting us and I eventually knocked some sense into my dad to go out and work. He did, for maybe a year. After that it was all up to me. I became the one who supported the bills and paid for the food. I went out with some fishermen, helping them bring in their catches. It brought in just enough money to get through each year.

Lately though, I’ve been getting tired of all of this. I’m practically parenting my own parents and I felt alone in the small minded world we live in. After my brother died, family lost meaning to me. He held us together, but when he died that day, not only did I fall apart, but so did all my hopes and dreams. I thought this trip would be a nice break from my blank life, but instead, it was a lot of a nightmare itself. I buried my face in Nick’s chest, feeling completely helpless and alone again. I couldn’t control my tears, or my emotions. Sure, I could try to put mask on and hide them, but sometimes that mask fell off, like now.

”You can tell me. I swear I’m not always an asshole.” he said calmly stroking my hair. I was a little hesitant at first, but realized I had to let loose on someone before I exploded from all of it being bottled up for so long. I looked at him again, sitting up straight and crossing my legs. I took a small breath, wondering if I was going to regret this or not.
“Well, I used to have an older brother, he was everything to me. My brother, best friend, side kick, and leader. He, umm, passed away though. He fell off a boat he was working on and passed out, so he, uhh, drowned. When he passed, I practically lost all confidence in myself and future, same happened to my parents, literally drowning their sorrows in beer and rum. Eventually, we ran out of money, and almost lost our house. I was only 13 at the time. It was pretty harsh to go through all this within one year, at an age like that.” I began, already getting choked up. It was so much harder to talk about him rather than just remember him. It was painful wording his accident, but I tried my best not to cry again.

”So, after all that. I talked some sense into my dad getting a job, but he didn’t hold it. I had to take matters into my own hands and get a job to support them and our bills. Ever since, I have been hopping from boat to boat, pulling in catches, even captaining a few. I don’t have enough money to own my own boat though, so I do it for other fishermen. Some of them pretty rough and nasty around the edges. I’ve gotten my share of abuse and punches, but I learned to ignore it.” I finished, my voice getting pretty rough. I don’t think I have ever felt so depressed in my life.

It really was a tough subject to talk about. I looked at Nick, who was in a state of sympathy, shock, and hopefully understanding. It felt good to release all of it to him. I averted my eye contact from him and looked at the ground, left with nothing more to say. He had heard it all.

I don't think he really know what it's like to be alone like that, until he says he was put up for adoption. That hits me painfully. I know what it was like to lose some one terribly close, but I don;t know what it's like to be alone you entire life. He starts to open up to me little by little. I've never had anyone open up to me before. it felt like a lot of responsibility, to keep all of it to yourself and not tell anyone, not that i ever would. I just hoped he kept mine to himself. I never told anyone, never really had to, but it was a relief to finally tell someone, just see how they react and such.

He then mentioned he had a daughter, which surprisingly shocked me. He never got the chance to stay with her? Watch her grow up? It made me think he left her just like his parents left him, but I realized, with the sadness in his eyes, like he almost had to. I wasn't even going to ask, because watching a grown man cry is, well, a bit awkward and depressing. I could only speak my mind and heart.

"I-I'm really sorry. I don't have a daughter, but that must be horrible. I can only imagine a father not being able to see her grow up, or even a daughter with no father. Sometimes though, I wish I didn't have a dad. He does nothing, gets drunk, slaps me around a good deal, and goes to bed." I explained, my voice growing soft. I hadn't mentioned before my dad was abusive, but it was true. I didn't make a big deal of it though, no one would care anyways, I'm sure plenty of kids were abused. When people asked where I got that bruise from on my face, i would just make up some excuse, like I fell or something cheesy like that.

"He's lucky he isn't here! I'd give him a piece of my mind." those words put the first smile on my face I had had in days, not a big one, but it was enough to show my amusement. I was fully convinced a grasshopper could beat up my father, but I never laid a hand on him. it was mainly out of respect, and the fact that I don't want the word to spread of a daughter who beat up her own father.

"You shouldn't have to go through that, Lexi. But you know what? I think that's what made you so strong...who else could pull me out of those rocks under water or stitch my arm up? You're brave and tough. Be proud." he exclaims. I shake my head, the smile fading. "Yea, but it's all just an act. Most of the time, I want to sit in a corner and just cry, but I can't. I can't look weak or people will take advantage of me." I confess rather calmly. Nick leans over and kisses me on my forehead, which surprises me. I just smile though, not wanting to cause any trouble.

He was much sweeter than I had originally thought. Once he opened up of course. It felt nice someone actually cared, tried to defend me against the beast my father was. "Thanks though, it means a lot to me. Don't tell anyone though, I've never told anyone anything about my family life. Not only am too busy, but I just never had thought of anyone as understanding. Earlier, clearly, I would have never thought about telling you anything, but you really made me change my thougths of you."

He surprises me a little, saying not to get ahead of myself on my thoughts about him. It was true though, did he not see himself as that? No, he wasn't the most cring understanding guy, but he did understand. "Look, it's not like I like you or anything, I'm just saying what I'm seeing. At least, I think you care. maybe you don't, but at least you listened. " I explained getting a bit frustrated. i cooled myself down though, not wanting to get angry at him.

If he didn't care, then it wouldn't really change anything. He was much nicer when he opened up, and a lot more easier to see as not an asshole. He was more like a friend now instead of a captain. if he thought that I was falling for him, he was wrong. Not only did I not see him in that way, but I would never let myself. For all I know, he was a heart breaker and nothing more. All this made me laugh a little. I looked at the ground a let out a little laugh, hoping he didn't see.

[ooc sorry that sucked]