chasing stars to lose our ::shadow:: {MJ}

Before I knew it, I'd put away two pancakes, just like that. It was weird how fast they went; in one moment I was taking my first bite, and then in the next, both cakes were gone. I must have been really hungry, beyond my normal teenage munchies that is, because honestly these flapjacks weren't all that great. We'd stirred the mix too long, and now they were a little flat. My stomach didn't seem to mind, though. Glancing over at Rosie, I saw that she hadn't even touched her food. "You take it," she said, reading my mind. "I'm full."

My left eyebrow shot up quizzically as she pushed the plate towards me and rested her chin on a fist. Something was up. Just a few minutes ago she had devoured her pancake like she'd never see food again. And now she was full? Okay, I may not be the sharpest penknife in the drawer, but there was no way I was buying that. I opened my mouth to ask what was bothering her, but before I could say anything, Rosie stood up and began to walk around. She didn't get too far before slipping on something. Figures. I'd begun to notice she was pretty darn accident-prone.

Instinctively, my arms shot out to catch her, but it seemed like I didn't need to--Rosie landed perfectly on my lap as if we'd rehearsed it before. Which we hadn't, just for the record. She had a knack for getting saved by me as much as she had a knack for needing saved. Her nickname suited her. "So now I'm Jumpy, Sneaky, and Clumsy?" she asked with a laugh, reading my mind once again. I loved her laugh; like the twinkling of little bells, enhanced even further by the smile that came with it. Even though I tried to match it with one of my own laughs, it probably didn't look or sound nearly as pretty. "Guess so," I agreed with another chuckle, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my chin on the crown of her head.

But she wasn't going to get out of it that easily. I'd gotten the feeling that she'd been hiding some kind of emotion all morning, locking it up inside and trying not to let it peek out. She hadn't been able to trust her father, and her mother had died when she was younger. Now she needed someone to confide in, and I wanted to be that person. "Rose," I began, speaking gently into the top of her head. "It's okay if you don't wanna eat, I mean, I'm not gonna force my cooking on you. But something's bothering you, I can tell. I'm not that dumb. I'm not gonna ask you to tell me anything that you don't wanna share, I'm just saying that..." I paused for a second, trying to put words to what I was thinking. "I want you to know you can trust me, and if there's ever anything you wanna talk about, then I'm here, okay?" It was pretty much the same speech my dad gave me before the always-awkward "man-to-man" chats, but it was all I could think to say. I wasn't sure what she was feeling, but I at least didn't want it to be loneliness.

OOC- experimenting with first person POV

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Rosie kissed me on the cheek in reply, and at first I thought that was going to be her only answer again, the way she'd answered so many other questions with kisses. When she let her head fall back into my chest, I thought she had fallen silent. But then, she spoke, giving me an answer I hadn't expected. "How could someone like me ever deserve someone like you? Trey, nothing's on my mind, just pointless Rosie thoughts." I listened intently as she explained, telling me that she's just been thinking about how she'll never be able to express how much she cares. And maybe this was just because of how much I wanted to believe she was okay, but I took her word for it. I trusted that she was telling me the truth, because after all, didn't I say I wanted her to trust me? The least I could do was return the favor.

Rose tilted my head down with her index finger, pressing her lips gently against my forehead. She'd just finished telling me something that (I think?) was heartfelt and genuine, and I felt inclined to say something in return. But for some reason, the words were lost on my lips; I didn't really know what to say. How did I follow up to that? For once, I had no friendly advice, no words of consolation or comfort. Truth was, I didn't know how she could fix that, how she could express her love further than she had already. But did she need to? I knew she loved me, I could tell from her eyes, I could tell from the way she acted around me. I'd noticed the way the goosebumps prickled on her forearms when we touched. So I told her, as she fell back into my chest,

"It's okay, Rose. You already have."

•°• - •°• - •°• - •°• - •°•

My father and I marched down the road--I had a black duffle bag in my hand and he had a laundry bag in his. We'd never owned any suitcases, so we just grabbed the two biggest bags available, not knowing whether Rosie had an extensive wardrobe or not. I secretly hoped she didn't; carrying an uber-heavy duffle bag on a mile-long walk wasn't on my "Top Ten Favorite Things to do on a Weekend" list.

I led the way to Rosie's house--or now I suppose, just her father's house--and eventually we reached it. Slowly, we approached the porch, and as my foot creaked against the first step, everything came rushing back to me. I remembered how he'd pushed me off, throwing me onto my back, and how I'd came in through the window to see him hurting Rose. I remembered how I'd kicked him, how he'd crumpled to the floor before I'd carried Rose out of there. As the images resurfaced, my stomach lurched. But I felt a firm hand on my shoulder, giving me a reassuring squeeze. "You alright, Trey?" My father asked. After a brief pause, I took a deep breath and nodded in reply.

As I knocked loudly on the door, I put my ear up against the wood to listen for anyone who might be inside. Thankfully, the only sound that reached my ears was the reverberating sound of my own knocking. I tried the door handle, but it was locked. My eyes drifted to the window I'd broken a few days previously, and I walked over to it, starting to climb through. "Hang on. I'll get the door," I told my dad. When I'd successfully reached the living room, I unlocked the door from the inside, letting it swing open for my father to enter. He did, and we set off to find Rosie's room.

We discovered it on our first try. Her dresser was in the far corner of the room, near her bed. I walked over to it and started pulling open drawers, starting on the bottom and working my way to the top drawer, stuffing everything I could fit into my bag. When it was full, I helped Dad fill his bag. When we opened the top drawer, it seemed like all the blood in my body flooded to my cheeks; it was full of...panties. I tried not to think of it too much as I shoveled them all out of the drawer and into the laundry bag. When we were done, we walked back into the living room. It had been a lot easier than I'd expected, but then again, Rosie's father hadn't been there.

As I was getting ready to turn the door handle and exit, something caught my eye. A flash of blue, near the window, that for some reason looked very familiar. And then it dawned on me. Something welled up inside me... Anger? Frustration? Disbelief? Betrayal? No, the only way I could really sum it up was "Hurt."

"Rose?" I said quietly towards the window, and then waited for an answer.

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In that moment, my heart seemed to sink to the bottom of my chest. Why? my eyes screamed at her. Why, Rose? What else did I have to do? From the moment we'd met, all that I'd done was protect her. I'd risked my life to save hers... Twice, was it? I'd carried her in my arms for a mile with her life on the line, all the way to my own home, where I'd given her a place to stay away from her abusive father. And what had I asked in return? Nothing, except for a promise that she would stay home, for her own safety. I wanted to be able to know she was safe, back at my house, while I was gone for only an hour or so. But no, she couldn't do that, she couldn't allow me my peace of mind for that long. I'd told her to trust me, hoping I would be able to do the same to her, but apparently, I couldn't. Just when I thought I knew her, she turned her back on me and betrayed my trust. And she hadn't stopped there, no, she'd lied to me too.

Something hit me then--something I hadn't thought before. I began to wonder why I'd bothered going through all this trouble for her. All this time, I'd been the one giving everything, and she'd been the one taking it, giving me nothing in return. Was she really worth it? Or was the whole thing just some random childish impulse I'd had, thinking I was in love? Maybe it had been stupid of me to care about someone who I can't trust.

Rosie's blue eyes escaped my gaze--making me wonder if she knew what I was thinking--to stare instead at her feet and I heard the soft pattering of her shoes against the porch as she walked up to the door and turned the knob. Slowly, it creaked open, allowing her thin form to slide through before shutting again. Anger bubbled in the pit of my stomach, and I fought the urge to scream at her, to raise my voice and yell at the top of my lungs, to bellow out my thoughts until there were none left. My eyes demanded her attention, and her crystal blues soon met them. I wondered if she could see the hurt within them, if she knew what I was feeling. For a moment, we stared at each other, no one saying anything. And then, for some reason, the burning sensation in my chest began to subside. It was as if the coolness of her shining blue eyes were extinguishing the fiery anger and hurt in my heart. In two quick steps, Rosie closed the distance between us, burying her head in my chest as her arms wrapped eagerly around me. She was shaking, I noticed, as she sniffled into my t-shirt.

"Trey... I'm so sorry..." Rosie sobbed, her broken words barely audible as she sighed them into my chest. "It’s just that.. you’ve protected me for as long as I’ve known you. You’ve put my life before your own, and we haven’t even known each other for a week. I couldn’t let you again. It was selfish of me to sit and watch you carry me to your house. It was selfish of me to let you get into all of this trouble when I can never repay you for it. And now I’ve hurt you. And.. I can’t take it all back.” For a moment, I stood there, frozen. Suddenly, a wave of regret washed over me. I couldn't believe I'd thought those things, that I'd been so angry at her just moments before. The only reason she'd followed me here was because she cared about me. Here she was, apologizing, pouring her heart out, crying, for gosh sakes. And I'd just been wondering whether or not she really loved me. I wished that those second thoughts had never crossed my mind, because now I felt terrible. I could've punched myself in the face, right then and there. My arms wrapped around her tiny waist and hugged her closer, and I rested my cheek on the crown of her head.

"Shhh..." I hushed her softly. "Rose, no... You don't need to take anything back." I was trying to be the one comforting her, but in all reality, a lump had surfaced in my throat, too. "It's okay, everything's fine. I just wanted you safe, that's all. I was afraid your dad might be here, but he's not. Don't cry, Rose." My index finger slid under her chin, tilting her head upward so her eyes met mine. "God, Rose, please don't cry. You're so pretty when you smile." I tilted my head slightly to press my lips against hers for a moment before pulling away and giving her a small smile, desperately hoping she'd return it. My dad was standing right next to us, and for a second I wondered what he must be thinking of all this.

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The small smile on Rosie's face was only there for a second before disappearing into my chest, but it made the warmth in the pit of my stomach return. Only this time, it wasn't a burning sensation or a bad warmth--it was the good kind of warmth, the same kind that always seemed to present itself when Rose and I kissed. Like a soft towel just out of the dryer or a freshly-baked chocolate chip cookie. And then suddenly, Rose's hand was at the back of my neck, pulling me into her shoulder. Before I could ask what the heck she'd done that for, she was pulling me behind her. And then I found out why.

Just as Rosie was trying to shove me away (to no avail, because I'm pretty heavy), I saw her deadbeat father stagger through a doorway into the room. The half-empty bottle in his hand busted to bits when it hit the floor, but he didn't seem to be paying much attention to it; his eyes were on Rose. Where the hell had he come from? When he took a step toward Rose, I was too absorbed in my own confusion to do anything. Thankfully, he didn't hurt her--instead, he fell at her feet like some wretched animal. I could have spat on him then, he deserved it, but for some reason--maybe it was because he looked so pitiful, I don't know--I didn't. ”Rose… I need you.. I need you to come back. I miss you… You’re the only thing I have left. You know that don’t you?”

I expected Rose to say no without hesitation, but for some reason she'd fallen silent at her father's words. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What was she thinking about? I almost shuddered as I wondered--was she seriously considering staying with him? After everything he'd done to her, was she actually thinking about going back to her piece of sh-t father? She would leave me for this old drunk? I was genuinely hurt by her hesitation, I had to admit. I started to step forward, wanting to pick this man up and throw him down on the floor again, to kick him until he couldn't move anymore. To prevent him from ever touching Rose again. But her arm shot out in front of me, so I stopped.

There was another moment of silence where I kept looking from Rose to her father to my dad (who seemed just as freaked as I was), wondering what I was going to do. Then Rosie turned away from her father and back to me, clutching my shirt in her fists and burying her face in my chest again. Relief flooded through me; I knew I'd won. She'd decided, and now there was no way she was going back to her old life with this man (if you could call him one).

"Make it all go away."

This sparked an idea, a crazy idea that probably shouldn't have ever entered any sane person's mind. I had an idea how to make it all go away. After all, what this man was doing, drinking and sleeping, couldn't be called living anyway, right? And someone like that, someone who had hurt an innocent girl like Rose that badly...they didn't deserve to live.

I stepped forward to kill the man on the floor.

But before I could do anything, Rose held me back again. "No. Can’t we just go? Trey. I don’t need any more pain, please don’t do this," she sobbed. I didn't want to listen to her. I wanted to pound her father's face into the floor, it didn't matter that my dad was there watching. He needed to be gone, out of our lives forever. But I couldn't do that to Rosie. The reason I held myself back was the same reason I hadn't wanted to kiss her the first time--she didn't deserve any more pain. I gave in to her blue eyes again. They seemed to win me over every time.

After a moment of hesitation, I spoke to him, almost snarling through my teeth. "You're lucky... that I'm not gonna kill you. You don't deserve her, okay? You had your chance with her. It was your job to be a father, a good dad. And a hell of a lot of good you've done! She's 'the only one you have left,' huh? Well maybe you should have thought of that before you PUT A F-KING KNIFE THROUGH HER SIDE!" I lost control completely, unable to stop myself from screaming at him. Lacing my fingers through Rose's, I tried to calm down. After a shaky deep breath or two, I spoke again. "It's over. Stay out of her life. You don't belong in it anymore." I gave Rose's hand a light squeeze. "Come on," I urged her softly, "Let's go."

{ooc- Trey is thirsty fo blood }

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Rose's father let out another plea as we turned to leave, but I didn't need the help of Rose pulling me along to ignore it. It was easy for me to control myself; all I had to do was keep my eyes focused in front of me. I hadn't laid a finger on him, I hadn't hurt him physically, but even so, he was dead to me. I didn't have to see him anymore, and I didn't have to think about him. Now that we'd come to get Rose's clothes, there was no reason to ever come back here again. He'd made sure of that years ago, when he decided to start drinking. But you know what? I wasn't mad anymore. Sure, I still believed that Rose's father was a no good son of a... you know. But I was done being angry--I was beyond that. It was over, I knew that, and there was no reason staying angry at someone I never had to meet again.

Rose's slender hands gripped my arm tightly as she led me onto the porch, and even though I didn't need persuasion to leave, the cool touch of her fingers helped to calm my still tight nerves. When we walked down the rotten stairs, they squealed in complaint. I noted to myself that this would be the last thing we heard from this house, the prison where Rose had been held for so many years. At least, that's how I saw it; I'm not sure what Rose was thinking, because as we walked down the road, I couldn't read the look on her face. It was totally blank, almost like she wasn't thinking about anything. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in her head. Was she still thinking about her dad? Was she thinking about turning back and running to him? Was she mad at me? Maybe it wasn't even any of my business to know what was on her mind, but for some reason, I felt like I needed to. Was I being a control freak? Maybe. I guess it was because of how hectic my life had been in the past couple of days; I needed to have a little control in the midst of all this chaos, or I might go insane.

We walked in silence, neither of us saying anything--maybe we couldn't find the words, or maybe we just didn't have any to say anyways. Our feet echoed against the street, the three pairs of them creating a steady rhythym. I let the sound drown out the little thoughts swimming around in my head, fixing my eyes on the dark pavement until it became an unfocused blur. I couldn't tell who was leading who--me or Rose. To be honest, I wasn't even paying attention to where we were going, I just knew that I was putting one foot in front of the other one, moving forward. The first sound I heard from Rosie after leaving the house was a soft sniffle. My eyes had gone blank and cloudy as we walked, but now they were filled with concern. My eyebrows furrowed together on my forehead as I stopped walking to meet Rosie's eyes, which brimmed with tears until she raised a hand to wipe them away.

"Did you really intend on killing my father?"

The question hung in the air like a dense curtain over our heads; I could almost see it lingering there, waiting to be answered. However, this seemed like one of the most difficult questions she could have asked. I knew I had to say something, or it would haunt us both. But the truth was, I didn't really even know the answer. Had I meant to kill him? At the time, yes. But would I have actually gone through with it? Could I have mustered up enough guts to actually kill another human? I wasn't sure. Right now, after I'd calmed down and come to my senses, I realized how stupid I'd been back at Rosie's house--I'd let my temper outweigh my conscience. I'd lost control, and if Rose hadn't held me back, then... Well, I don't know what would have happened, but it wouldn't have been good.

My eyes were itching to flutter away from the heat of Rose's questioning gaze, but I forced them to stay locked in place. She gave my hand a light, reassuring squeeze as I spoke. "I..." I swallowed heavily before I continued, trying to find words that wouldn't make her hate me, if she didn't already. "At first, yes. I was just so mad, Rose. I felt... I felt like he didn't deserve to live. If you hadn't stopped me... I was being impulsive, I thought I'd get rid of him for good. But now," I hurried to explain, "I know I was wrong. I shouldn't have even thought that." I shook my head. "Rose, I'm sorry." Pulling her quickly into me, I closed the distance between us and hugged her tightly. I hoped we could stay like this, not always hugging, but with no gaps between us. I didn't want us to have secrets anymore, I wanted to fill in the cracks so that maybe we could stay happy. We needed to trust each other, because who else did she have now? Even though she'd hurt me and betrayed my trust, I wanted to forgive her. I wanted to be there for her, so that she had a shoulder to cry on. And in turn, she could forgive me for thinking all those things about her father.

"You're not mad at me, are you?" I said after pulling out of the hug to see her eyes again. Lifting my hand, I ran the back of my forefinger along her cheek, feeling the soft skin which was still moist from the tears. A stray drop fell and drifted down her face, but I wiped it away with a calloused thumb. With my free hand, I gave her palm a gentle squeeze. Let me be your hand to hold, Rose.

{ooc- sorry for the lateness... my internet kept kicking me off. I have Frontier instead of cable and the hurricane has made it spazzy}

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"No, Trey," Rose said finally, and I breathed a light sigh of relief. "I'm just mad at myself... because, if you'd really tried harder, or if I was thinking straight, I might have let you... you know.. kill him." I still wasn't sure whether or not I would've let myself do that. Back there, I hadn't pulled out a knife or anything. I might've beaten him senseless, but kill him? I don't know. "I just.. when I saw my dad.. it reminded me of my mom. Which reminded me of all the times when my dad was a real dad." As Rosie told me what her dad used to be like, I felt a pull in my stomach. Not one time did I even pause to consider that maybe, just maybe, he had been a good father to her at one point. I'd let myself get upset at Rose for betraying my trust, and yet, I hadn't really considered her feelings. I was as bad as her, if not worse.

"Then.. the visions of him... beating me.. came. How angry he'd gotten at me when you brought me home... how he threw… you know." He'd thrown a knife at his own daughter, something I didn't care to picture again. So that was why she'd hesitated; she'd been thinking about how he used to be. "After that, I'd realized I was living in a daydream. I realized that he'd never love me the way he loved Mom." She'd lived without love for so many years... I had to admire her strength. Many people, well, they'd run away, or even commit suicide after all that. I'd seen things like that happen before, where kids killed themselves. But she'd hung on and hoped, waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.

"But then, I thought that maybe... if I hadn't screwed things up again that maybe... you'd love me that way." There was a pause, and I guess she wanted me to say something, but what did I say? I would say I love her, but... I'd never said that to any girl and meant it, and I didn't want to lie. Did I love her? I was almost sure of it. But we'd only known each other for about a week. Was it just some kind of impulse of protectiveness, brought about by the situation with her dad, that I'd mistaken for love? Maybe. I was young and I'd never really been in love before, even though I'd been with lots of, other girls. But then again, being with Rose gave me a completely different feeling than I had with all the other girls I'd gone through over the years. That tugging sensation in my chest, that was because of her, every time we touched, every brush of her lips against mine. It was almost like my heart was aching, but not in a bad way. in a way that made me want to laugh and smile and cry all at once. Like it was aching for her, as if our hearts were magnets that needed to be close to each other. Was that what love felt like?

"I know that's a lot.. but one more thing… I would never even have to give thought to choosing between you and my dad. You are the only thing I need to keep breathing. I love you... and I don't want anything to do with my father ever again. I guess I was just saying a mental goodbye to him, knowing my real father would never return." It wasn't too much to ask of me, not really. How was it that she could be so sure about loving me, when I'd been doubting it so much? It made me feel even worse. If only I could voice my thoughts the way that she always seemed to be able to. Rose brought our conjoined hands to our hearts--mine was speeding up at her touch. Could she feel how it was aching for her?

"Rose... I know we've been through a lot in the past few days. But the thing is... I don't care. It doesn't matter how much I have to do for you. I would... I'd do anything if it would make you happy. If you told me you wanted the moon, I would wrap it up in a box and give it to you, just to see that smile of yours. I love you, and nothing's ever going to change that. Not even... Not even if I have to forgive you a million times.'' Seizing her wrist, I brought her hand to my chest so her palm was against my heart. I placed my hand on top of hers, holding it there. "See how fast it's beating? It's you, Rose. You're doing this." I smiled slightly at her, hoping she knew that I meant everything.

My dad had been so quiet the whole time that I'd almost forgotten he was there, but now he spoke for the first time, his bushy caterpillar eyebrows furrowing together on his forehead. "Rose... I know we won't be able to replace your mom and dad, but if you want... You'll always have a place in the Cooper household. You can be part of our family, you know." This surprised me, no, it shocked me--my dad had never said this to anyone before, not even to Drew. He must have really taken a liking to Rose, or maybe it was just because of what had happened with her father. Either way, I was glad he'd said it. I'd be able to love Rose, but I couldn't be her father.

{ooc- Look! A sucky post! I'm still sick, but thankfully I'm not quite as busy now because auditions are over and my teachers are letting up on homework for Thanksgiving :) }

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"Thank you. I really appreciate all of the patience and tolerance from all of you. I'll try not to be such a handful." I seriously doubted that Rosie could be more of a handful than she'd already been. I hoped she'd take my father up on his offer and stay with us. I mean, where else was she gonna go? As far as I knew, she didn't have enough money to buy a house for herself, and she couldn't have any other family members or else she would have probably left her dad before now. One more family member wouldn't be much of a burden--we have enough room and enough food. I guess I could even share my bacon with her every once in a while. She wouldn't say no. No, I wouldn't let her. After everything that had happened to us, I don't think I could bear for her to live anywhere but with me.

Rosie wrapped her arms around my waist, and in return I draped mine around her shoulders. We walked like this the rest of the way home. When we got there, my dad sped up ahead of us and went through the door. I wondered why we he seemed like he was in such a hurry. Maybe he was still kind of freaked out by the whole thing with Rosie's father. Or rather, knowing my father, he was probably trying to get away from all the mushy gushy stuff Rose and I had been saying.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Rose stepped in front of me and wrapped her arms around my neck. Even though the gesture had come suddenly out of nowhere, I knew what came next. My lips were spread into a smile when her lips pressed against them, and my arms wrapped around her tiny waist. It had only been about an hour since we'd last kissed, but it felt like days. That seemed to happen a lot while I was around Rose; even though I'd only known her for a week, it seemed like months. She was the first to pull away, but I didn't mind at all. Any time I got kissing Rose was fine with me, short or long.

It was nice just standing there, me holding her in my arms, smiling at each other. It felt simple, easy. Like we could stand here with one another forever and still be happy. I wished that could happen, but in real life things like that weren't possible. Something always had to come in and mess up the good things at one point, that was just a given fact. And lately, I've felt like it's even more true in my case. If only Rose and I lived in a fantasy world, where we never had to worry about the circumstances we were under at the moment. We could climb trees and talk and laugh and kiss whenever we wanted to.

"Rose, you are gonna stay with us, aren't you?" I asked, unintentionally putting on my saddest puppy face. "Because... because, I don't want to leave you. Not after all this." I couldn't live without you, I think to myself.

{ooc- oh geez sucks bad post is bad ugh how the heck could I write like that omg}

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