Diversion [Axel]
Jan 20, 2013 19:59:31 GMT -5
Post by Anna Banana on Jan 20, 2013 19:59:31 GMT -5
My mind roiled as I sat there, the internal struggle of what was right and wrong tugging at the chords of my heart. There was no way to tell whether my story had made any impact on this boy or not, his face betrayed no emotion. Since I had finished my story an uneasy silence had settled around the two of us and I suddenly became afraid to look him in the eye. Why all of a sudden do I feel so insecure about myself, for five years I've been doing this without any remorse or doubt. Maybe all I could take was one more of these "jobs" before my mind finally snapped, like I'm not even sure anymore what is right and what is wrong. My gaze looked over the room falling on everything that had once been so familiar to me, but now they looked foreign and sinister. My underwear lay strewn about the room from my past "adventures", and I couldn't even bear to look at them right now. Where was the joy and thrill I once felt at seeing them, doing what I did, just being me, right now I'm no better than a child.
Finally that silence was broken, and when I heard his voice it was like my heart was given a jumpstart. All that time had it's pulse been so weak that I didn't even notice it was there, or was it just that my heart recognized the pain I was feeling and tried to hide. In any event, his voice awakened me from my thoughts, and I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief, any longer and I probably would have torn myself apart. Turns out that I may have been better off tearing myself apart though because in responce to my story he wanted to know more. Than on top of that he seemed to think that it was partly a joke, why at this point in time would he ask about payment. Did he not undertand that I was pouring her heart and soul out right now, if it wasn't hard enough for me to do that he had to ask about PAYMENT.
Ultimately it came down to this though, am I willing to leave everything out there for him, allow myself to be judged for all of my actions to this point. Could I do it, could I open up to this boy that I had only just finished "messing around with". My heart was telling me yes, but my mind was as guarded as always, a choice had to be made, follow my heart or follow my mind. Neither had been of much use to me today, failing me at every turn, so why not just go with instinct, that was a possibility.
I removed the boys arm from me and stood up from the couch. Pacing about about the room, my bare feet making little sound as I did so, I tried to come to terms with myself about letting this boy know everything about me. Finally I came to a decision and came to a halt infront of him, my stance demanded his attention, if I was going to open myself up to him he had at leat better give me the consideration of looking at me. Without taking the time to see if he really would look at me I closed my eyes and began my story, hoping it would fill in the blanks.
"Okay, so ever since I was little I've craved attention, I was probably seven when my parents had the first taste of what I was like. There was a boy I liked, but he wouldn't pay attention to me, and I was so used to people telling me I was cute and irresistable and all this other crap. Well it frustrated me when he didn't pay attention to me...so what did I do...I took off my clothes infront of him."I paused at that moment remembering the day very clearly in my head, how angry my parents had been. For some reason I didn't see any problem with it, what difference did it make to them if I wanted to take my clothes off for someone. It was my body to do with as I pleased, and they had no rite to stop me. Looking back on it though it started a whole slew of trouble for me, trouble that followed me everwhere.
"I sort of got a reputation from that point on. Since it didn't bother me when I was bare infront of everyone I was the target of alot of "jokes". People would "accidentally" pull on my jeans or tug at my shirt, and for some reason it didn't even bother me. I liked the attention, the looks and the whispers, guys and girls alike looking at me in a different light. So naturally as I grew older I would walk that fine line that hovered between indecent and tempting. My family hated me for it, I was the disgrace of the family, and they cast me out. I took to wearing some interesting articles of clothing, some of them were very...revealing. I think the rest is history though. I did what I had to so I could survive, the attention and my alure seemed to be my best available weapons, and I took advantage of them."
I didn't dare to look at him, just listening to my story I was astonished at everything that I had done, everything that I was now. I loved it though, the thrill of luring someone into my home and getting their guard down, teasing them just enough where their curiousity gets the better of them. She craved the attention, and when she didn't get it she made sure she got it. Deep down though all she really wanted was to be loved, for someone to honestly give her the attention she felt she deserved.
Finally that silence was broken, and when I heard his voice it was like my heart was given a jumpstart. All that time had it's pulse been so weak that I didn't even notice it was there, or was it just that my heart recognized the pain I was feeling and tried to hide. In any event, his voice awakened me from my thoughts, and I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief, any longer and I probably would have torn myself apart. Turns out that I may have been better off tearing myself apart though because in responce to my story he wanted to know more. Than on top of that he seemed to think that it was partly a joke, why at this point in time would he ask about payment. Did he not undertand that I was pouring her heart and soul out right now, if it wasn't hard enough for me to do that he had to ask about PAYMENT.
Ultimately it came down to this though, am I willing to leave everything out there for him, allow myself to be judged for all of my actions to this point. Could I do it, could I open up to this boy that I had only just finished "messing around with". My heart was telling me yes, but my mind was as guarded as always, a choice had to be made, follow my heart or follow my mind. Neither had been of much use to me today, failing me at every turn, so why not just go with instinct, that was a possibility.
I removed the boys arm from me and stood up from the couch. Pacing about about the room, my bare feet making little sound as I did so, I tried to come to terms with myself about letting this boy know everything about me. Finally I came to a decision and came to a halt infront of him, my stance demanded his attention, if I was going to open myself up to him he had at leat better give me the consideration of looking at me. Without taking the time to see if he really would look at me I closed my eyes and began my story, hoping it would fill in the blanks.
"Okay, so ever since I was little I've craved attention, I was probably seven when my parents had the first taste of what I was like. There was a boy I liked, but he wouldn't pay attention to me, and I was so used to people telling me I was cute and irresistable and all this other crap. Well it frustrated me when he didn't pay attention to me...so what did I do...I took off my clothes infront of him."I paused at that moment remembering the day very clearly in my head, how angry my parents had been. For some reason I didn't see any problem with it, what difference did it make to them if I wanted to take my clothes off for someone. It was my body to do with as I pleased, and they had no rite to stop me. Looking back on it though it started a whole slew of trouble for me, trouble that followed me everwhere.
"I sort of got a reputation from that point on. Since it didn't bother me when I was bare infront of everyone I was the target of alot of "jokes". People would "accidentally" pull on my jeans or tug at my shirt, and for some reason it didn't even bother me. I liked the attention, the looks and the whispers, guys and girls alike looking at me in a different light. So naturally as I grew older I would walk that fine line that hovered between indecent and tempting. My family hated me for it, I was the disgrace of the family, and they cast me out. I took to wearing some interesting articles of clothing, some of them were very...revealing. I think the rest is history though. I did what I had to so I could survive, the attention and my alure seemed to be my best available weapons, and I took advantage of them."
I didn't dare to look at him, just listening to my story I was astonished at everything that I had done, everything that I was now. I loved it though, the thrill of luring someone into my home and getting their guard down, teasing them just enough where their curiousity gets the better of them. She craved the attention, and when she didn't get it she made sure she got it. Deep down though all she really wanted was to be loved, for someone to honestly give her the attention she felt she deserved.
