It Can Only Get Better (Axel)

Countless minutes, countless hours, countless days, I sit here wondering when it will all end. How long will I have to suffer through this torment, all I long for is the day that I will be released from the shackles that bind me to this world. There is nothing here for me anymore, there is nothing that could tempt me to stay here. These are all the thoughts of a tortured soul, someone who has suffered through to much at such a young age. Day in and day out I wonder...what's the point of it all if we are forced to live like this. I have to remember though, there is something, or rather someone, that does make all of this worth it. The only problem is I don't even know if she knows I exist, sure we're family now but still I've never been very close with anyone.

I was one of the first people to find this little shack we call home, the first one who lost their family life to live in all of this. My mom figured that drugs and booze were worth more than me, so not once but twice I was sold for her to get it. Apparently it's genetic though...I have the same weaknesses as she does, I'm not better than she was. As quickly as Maybe gets some money to buy food or stuff we need I'm out there spending it on a nice bottle of booze or some drugs. Don't judge me though, if you had been through everything I had been you would be the same as me. That's how I got my name, Rainbow, I often find myself falling into that state of ecstasy and "rainbows" after a particularly good round. It's a little bit of release from everything I have to deal with, instead of moping around I'll actually engage myself in the conversations that go on with the family no matter how stupid they are.

Today though, today would be different for me, I was intent on just being myself, if only for Maybe's sake, or as I called her Jesse. I was the only one allowed to call her that, just like she was the only one who could ever call me my real name, Mary Ellen. I'll admit it, I spied on her this morning, watched as she stared at some treasure or momento. I didn't know what she was going to do with it, or for that matter what it was, but it had to mean something to her. Than it hit me, I knew exactly what it was that, the last real memory of her family. Maybe, that angel, she was going to pawn it off to some dirty grubby bum in the Hob. I couldn't let her do that because I knew exactly where the money would go, if she was intent on selling it than I would do my best to get it back for her no matter the cost.

At least it would give me some new purpose, those didn't come along every day. Despite how people percieved me when they saw me I wasn't all bad...I still wanted the best for my "family". Maybe above all else deserved happiness, she was to good to live in this hell hole, she was still so pure. Once she had left I ran into my corner of the bedroom and dug around in a sock that was hidden away in my pillow. Turning it inside out revealed a few coins, a ring that I had pilched off some Peacekeeper, and a lock of Maybe's hair from the last time we had cut eachother's hair. The ring was useless, some cheap piece of crap that had no monetary value, the only reason I had it was to give to Maybe. There were a few options I had laid out before me...none of them pleasant...but I had to get back that little trinket she was going to sell.

Quietly I put my few belongings back into the sock and stuffed it back into my pillow. As soon as I had I heard the front door close, and jumping up I hastily threw my pillow into the corner. Pulling back my hair and attempting to straighten out my clothes I followed the sound of footsteps that could only be Maybe's. I pushed open the door to the kitchen and walked in to find maybe placing a loaf of bread on the table. She turned around to look at me and I saw sadness, pain, and hurt reflected in her eyes. She had seen something or heard something, or maybe it was the fact she only had one loaf of bread to offer us for this evenings meal. Slowly I took a step towards her and than another, and gently I placed my hand on her arm.

"No, I'm not that hungry Maybe, you can have my share tonight, I don't really have the stomach for it right now." Truth be told I hadn't eaten in a few days now but I knew something had upset Maybe. The best I could do was offer her my share of dinner and try and figure out later what it was that had upset her. "We can eat apart from everyone else, you look like you need to have some time alone with your thoughts. I've still got a little left in one of the bottles of booze I have, we can drink that if you think it would help." Realizing that my hand was still on her arm I quickly pulled it away and took a seat across from her, kicking my legs up on the table I waited to hear what she would say.

It was hard to keep secrets from someone you cared about so much, and even harder to keep secrets from someone who knew you so well. There was no one that knew me better than Maybe did, she always knew when I was hiding something from her, or even if I was lying to her. Not that she would ever directly call me out on it because she wasn't that type of person, no, she enjoyed the subtle approach. A little glare or the way her mouth would form into a knowing smile when I said something that she knew was either stretching the truth or just a blatant lie. I knew one of those times was right now, she didn't even have to look at me for me to pick up on the fact that she didn't believe me. She knew as well as I did that we were always hungry around here, and she used my real name as a punctuation for her sentence.

She was the only one who could get away with calling me by my biological name. Infact she was one of only a few people in this hell hole that knew my biological name. The others that did know were to never say my name out in public, or private, or at all for that matter. The concern in her voice wasn't lost on me, she was worried that I would get sick from not eating, and she knew that I hadn't eaten for a few days. I almost laughed when I saw her eyebrow raise in concern, but I frowned to suppress my giggles beneath a false sense of anger. No sense in letting her know that I found her concern amusing, and on top of that adorable. It had been a long time since anyone had expressed any concern for me, and it made it all that more touching that it was the girl that I had a soft spot for that was concerned for me.

As if she was a doting mother who would make sure that I ate she agreed to the idea of eating with me outside. Though I will admit her answer came faster than I thought, not an ounce of hesitation or second thoughts. One requirement was that she didn't want to be alone with her thoughts, she just wanted to be alone...with me. She hadn't said it in so many words but that was what I got from what she had said, about not being around everyone else. It made a slight blush rise to my cheeks when I looked at her face and saw the briefest flash of a smile, but it was quickly replaced by the sad look that usually adorned her beauriful face. Taking me feet off the table I got up and walked around to stand infront of Maybe as she explained that she didn't want to be around anyone while she drank.

After all she was supposed to be the responsible one, and the rest of the family would be shocked to find Maybe drinking. Not that it was a bad thing when she did drink, it was the only time that she seemed to really be herself, free from the walls and shields that were up around her mind while she was...completely aware. It was during one such state that we got so close to admitting something to eachother, not that I can exactly remember what it was, but we were close to revealing something. Maybe, no pun intended, if I drank in moderation I could direct the conversation enough to try and figure some things out. Who was I trying to fool though, I couldn't think straight after one swig, chances were Maybe would be the one directing that conversation. Never the less I didn't let that stop me from taking her hand and leading her out the kitchen.

I led her down the hall and into dark room just off of the entrance. Letting go of her hand I walked over to a loose floor board and lifted it up revealing a dirty old bottle of booze. Triumphantly I lifted it up and waved it above my head. "Here it is, right where I left it, we'll eat like queens tonight...or at least believe we are as long as we've got this." I chuckled at my own little joke knowing that we really would think we were eating like queens, this was some powerful stuff I had in my hand. Getting up I walked back to Maybe and handed her the bottle, there was no sense in tempting myself until Maybe was ready. "Here you take it, I know if I hold onto it than I'll end up chugging the whole thing down before we even get the chance to have some with our dinner." She knew it was true, she knew how weak I was to the affects of the drink or even drugs for that matter.

Giving her a half hearted grin I looked down at the floor tracing the toe of my shoe into the dirt and dust on the floor. Even though she knew about me and my problems I was still slightly ashamed of them, especially around her. I tried to be strong around her and everything, and prove that I wasn't a complete lunatic, sometimes I just had to let go though and have the pieces of my life fall where they may. Looking back up at her with maybe a little to much pleading in my face, I motioned to her that it was time to leave this room for now. I just wanted to get that meal with her started as soon as possible, because I wanted to get my mind off of everything and anything and just stare off into space right now. I began to understand why Maybe didn't want to be alone with her thoughts, being alone with your thoughts was dangerous. The more you thought the more pitiful you felt, and the more pitiful you felt the more you wondered...what's the point in it all?

There were very few moments in my life when I felt safe, and even in those moments safety was a relative term for not facing a near death exeperience at that current time. I only ever felt safe when I was with Maybe because...well there was just something so calming about her presense beside me. Of course I could never admit that to her, or for that matter anyone else, who they hell would even believe something so far fetched. If they ever found out they would probably pass it off as a delusion brought on by my drinking or drug addiction. I knew better then to believe that though, I knew that somewhere in my whithered heart I had feelings for Maybe. I just had trouble trying to decide what those feelings were, at times I saw her as a really good friend, almost like a sister, than there were the times when I believed I couldn't live without her, that I loved her.

I was in the middle of one of those personal struggles right now, trying to size up my feelings for her. As I looked at her I wondered what would happen if she wasn't here to look after me, making sure I take my meds and stopping me from overdosing. Sure, I'd survive for a time, my own concience would keep me alive for a little while, I wasn't completely corrupt or lost to the world, but I knew that without her I wouldn't be here today. So lost was I in my own mind that I barely registered the fact that Maybe was handing me a loaf of bread to carry, or that she was taking a sip from the bottle of liquor I had passed her. Then to my extreme shock and perhaps delight she passed me the bottle telling me that it would be for the road. My hand shook as I lifted it to my lips trying to make sure that I didn't let myself chug down the whole bottle.

I closed my eyes and tilted my head back taking a swig from it, only slightly larger than Maybe's own swig. No sense in ending up drunk and incapable of any sensible thought before we even reached our destination. Not that one gulp had that power, but this was some potent stuff and even one sip could dull your senses. Once I had taken my drink I handed the bottle back to Maybe and we both began to walk to our private place, a little balcony on the second floor that faced out towards the freedom and boundry of District 12. As was usual for the trip up the stairs we had to be extremely close to each other to insure that neither of us hit any of the weak spots on the steps, and being in such close proximaty to her made my head swim. I could smell her now, a slight sent of the liquor she had just drank clung to her, but beneath that was the usual sweet smell that always seemed to be floating around her. It was a smell that made me lightheaded as it was, and after my own drink I felt like I was ready to faint being this close to her.

Annoyed by how easily I could be blinded by so trivial a thing I jumped a few of the steps to put some distance between Maybe and I. I knew she would be insulted by it, but I needed to get a hold on things in my own mind. If I could barely walk up the stairs without day dreaming about her I would never be able to make it through a whole meal. Turning the corner I blocked out the sound of her climbing up the steps after me and took deep breaths to try and clear my mind. The only problem with this was that with every breath I took to try and calm myself I felt my heart rate increasing, and my head began to throb. Damn, that liquor worked fast, and I'd barely taken more than a sip...or at least I thought I had. I didn't have much time to consider exactly how much I had drank from the bottle because Maybe rounded the corner with a hurt expression on her face.

A pang of guilt shot through me and before I could think about what I was doing I grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently. I flashed a quick smile and tore my hand away from hers before continuing to walk on towards the room with the balcony. I didn't bother to look back to see if she was following me, I knew she would because even though neither of us would admit it to each other we enjoyed the time that we had alone together. Once we reached the room with the balcony I pushed open the door and stepped aside to allow Maybe entrance into the room. "Welcome to our castle Jesse, I hope you find our luxury suite to your satisfaction. All of our resources are at your disposal, feel free to ask for anything you want, for your deepest desires are all within reach her." I couldn't help but laugh a little at my own joke as I looked about the room. If this was the luxur suite then I needed to get my head examined.

Never the less I followed behind Maybe until we reached the balcony, our private place. We both settled down on the ground, preferring the floor to the chairs that dotted the balcony. I grabbed a ratty looking table cloth from the railing and spread it out on the ground between us and placed my loaf of bread on it, gesturing for Maybe to do the same with the food she was holding. "We should really do this more often you know, it's not like any of us here actually have that place we can go to, besides the drinking and drugs, for release. Maybe, no pun intended, we could try and make this a thing, and eventually we could figure out how to get everyone else involved that way they don't feel left out." Grabbing the drink from the corner of the table cloth I took another, much more substantial swig and swallowed it down, making a face as it burned my throat. Setting it down I grinned at Maybe and gently pushed it towards her...had to share, otherwise I'd end up drinking the whole thing on my own.

Time with Maybe isn't the same as time with everyone else, it's a time when I can truly be myself. All the walls are taken down and I don't have to pretend I'm something I'm not, I don't have to pretend that I'm stronger than I am. I'm not sure why it happened though, everyone in this broken down old home was considered family, I had yet to decide why it was only Maybe that got to see the real me. Maybe it was something about her eyes, or the way she looked at me that left me totally disarmed? In any event it was treasured moments like these that I would remember for the rest of my life, not that I thought there would be to much left in my life, with the conditions I lived in it was amazing that I had lasted this long. I loved just talking to her though, there was something just so...calming...about talking to her.

Grabbing the bottle of liquor again I prepared to take another swig from it while Maybe talked to me. I brought it up to my lips and tilted my head back for a long sip, just to officially get this thing started. I was about ready to put it down when I thought I heard Maybe ask if I'd be able to convince our broken family to let Maybe and I have the room we were in. I shook my head trying to clear it and looked at the bottle in my hand wondering just how potent the stuff was. Had I really just heard her ask that or was it simply a hallucination brought on by the drink? I continued to stare at the bottle, swirling around its contents as I thought of a way to answer her. In truth the statement shouldn't have surprised me that much, of all the kids in this house Maybe and I always tended to sleep the closest to each other. In some cases we'd shared the same tattered blankets or little hole...what was it about her proposition that threw me off so much?

I didn't look up from the bottle as I spoke to her, afraid that she would pick up on the blush that I could feel bathing my face in a deep red. "I don't know how easy that would be, you know how the others are sometimes, they like to feel important. If they know we're attempting to renovate a bedroom they'd probably start fighting over who would get it. I figure...maybe...we could...somehow...make a good case for us to get the room though." Now I know that the drink was affecting me, how stupid could you get. "I figure we could make a good case to get the room", what an idiot if that wasn't blatantly exposing myself to some ridicule I don't know what will. Stupid, stupid, stupid, that's what happens when you drink a lot, you lose all sense of...well everything. I didn't even think I'd drank enough to be that stupid though, guess my tolerance was down.

Then again maybe it wasn't just the liquor, after all they say that it only makes you more honest after you've drank, sometimes brutally so. What if I had been thinking that in my mind and before I could make any sense of it or filter out anything stupid? "So...why exactly do you want to share a...bedroom...with me? I mean...well...you know...a bedroom this size is for ummmm couples...to...you know." Now I'd done it, I guess any sense of formality or secrecy was gone now, I had just asked the dumbest question in the world and made myself look like an idiot. To hide the blush that was creeping onto my face I grabbed the bottle and took another drink from it. Of course I was to stupid to realize that drinking more would only make the problem worse, but I didn't know what else to do.

It was one of those moment were you just find yourself at a loss for words and just go with your gut instinct. Of course my gut was telling me to run away in embarrassment, but that wasn't really an option, so naturally that meant the second option of drinking more would be implemented. Ugh, what was I doing, I'd end up a giggling idiot in a matter of seconds if this kept up. I looked over at Maybe again hoping to regain some of my composure but seeing her only succeeded in making it disperse faster. I choked back some giggles and smiled dumbly at her...wonderful...the fun has begun.

There was something awkward about the moment right now and I couldn't quite place my finger on exactly what it was. Maybe it was the booze...was it the company...maybe it was both? Maybe I was just thinking into things to much, maybe I just needed to accept things at face value...I swear there was something I wasn't getting from her earlier statement, someting I should be getting but wasn't. It wasn't like I'd be able to tell right, now she had her hair hanging all infront of her face leaving me to guess what exactly her motives were. I was tempted to lift her chin up and brush her hair out of her face...only to figure out what she was thinking...it's not like I wanted to just feel her smooth skin against my hand...right? I shook my head vigorously trying to clear my head and looked back down at our food, or rather my own uneaten scraps.

Turns out that the problem of Maybe not meeting my eyes and my uneaten bread would be addressed with just one simple motion. Maybe swept up the bottle that still sat close beside me, took the bread, and lifted her gaze to mine. Of course it was only for her motherly instincts to kick in and tell me to eat my bread, but it was better then nothing. On top of that she was treating me like a child again, telling me she wouldn't let me drink anymore until I ate at least half of my meal. I attempted to give her one of my best glares, the famous "who do you think you are" glares, but it lacked the usual anger behind it. It was impossible to be mad at Maybe, especially when she flashed me one of those smiles of hers. Ugh, was she teasing my like that on purpose...the way her eyes crinkled in the corners when she smiled...and her lips...her perfect lips.

I felt myself leaning forward towards her, one of my hands reaching for her face to caress it...my thoughts wandering from how soft her face would be to how soft her lips would be. Almost as if my mind became aware of what I was doing I snapped my arm back and drew away from Maybe, a blush creeping onto my face again. Well that would be hard to explain away, at least hard to explain away without sounding stupid or telling her the truth. I giggled nervously trying to sort though exactly what had just happened. Of course I could blame it on the liquor, but that wouldn't be entirely true...in order for it to have any influence in that department I would have needed to have the impulse to do it anyways. I decided I would avoid the situation altogether and start eating the bread like she had told me to...yeah...that would be a legitimate excuse.

I took a large bite of the bread and chewed on it happy to have some excuse not to explain myself. Of course the bread would run out and I'd be back at square one...trying to figure out how to explain this to Maybe. Naturally the more I thought the faster the bread seemed to disappear until I was left with nought but a crum, which I threw into my mouth wishing there was more food. I looked at the bottle, just out of reach, wishing that I could take a drink and pass off my actions as some moment of drunken stupidity, but nooooooo that would be way to easy. I clear my throat and look at anything and everything...accept Maybe. Something told me that if I so much as looked at her I wouldn't be able to explain this, I mean it was already going to be hard enough. Clearing my throat one last time I break into what I hope explains my actions.

"I uhhhhhhhh, I saw a bug, I was going to kill it, it was on your face, you know a really big one. I couldn't leave it there because you know...it was a bug so it would be gross to leave it there. It flew away though so I didn't have to kill it, so we were lucky that I didn't have to touch you. I mean to say...ummmm...we were lucky that...ummmm...I didn't have to...ummmm." Wonderful Rainbow, just wonderful, way to make this way more awkward then it had to be. You couldn't have thought of something less cliche then the old "bug on your face" story. If she actually bought that load of crap then I'm breathing a massive sigh of relief, but she's not stupid, she'll know I'm lying. Frantically I searched my mind for some other story to tell her, something, anything that made more sense than the stupid bug story.

Unfortunately the liquor had already seeped deep into my conciousness and it was difficult to put to thoughts together that made any sense. Each story I tried to come up with became worse and worse, making less and less sense, until finally I settled on the stupidest thing of all...telling her the truth. The truth was out of the question though, the truth was stupid, the truth would NEVER be told, not while I was still aware of what I was doing. Of course the moment when I didn't know what I was doing might be closer then I imagined, especially if I had almost done what I thought I had done...kiss Maybe. Sure I had feelings for her, but they were hard to explain, part of me wanted to be close to her and be more then what we were. Still another part of me felt sure that nothing like that could happen...could it? Could I really admit that I had feelings for a girl that I had come to know as family?

No, it wasn't the time to do that, I didn't even know if she felt the same way, chances are she'd think I was a freak if I so much as mentioned it. After all, she had avoided my earlier question without giving a proper answer so chances are it had been a harmless statement or just some random whim. I would wait for her to make the first move, no sense in making myself look like an idiot...or at least more of an idiot than I already felt. So, in the hopes that she would forget everything that had just happened in the past ten minutes I smiled at her again, a shy smile...a smile that I knew wouldn't mask what I was feeling.

I had never felt so exposed and weak, there were very people who even knew that this side of me existed...and even less that would dare talk about it. Maybe...no...Jesse was different though, she saw me for who I really was. In my mind I couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing though, it left me open and weak, I was vulnerable when I was myself. It was hard not to feel like I could be myself around Jesse though, there was something calming about her...something that made me believe that no matter what she would accept me for who I was. It was because Jesse knew about the really me that I knew my lie would never get by her. I could make an attempt at another lie but was was the point now, better just let things play out.

I sat waiting for her to question me, for her to berate me, for her even to laugh at me. I had been so obvious with my intentions it would be hard to mistake them for any less then "making my move". I could imagine the scenario now as I looked at her, her attempt to stifle her laughter as she thought about what a freak I was. If I had felt exposed before I felt even more so now...I had just tried to kiss Jesse...I had just tried to kiss a girl. I don't understand why it bothered me so much, but it did, it made me feel dirty...like this wasn't accepted. Were my feelings really wrong though, how could love EVER be wrong...isn't love supposed to be incorruptible and pure? Everything about the situation seemed wrong...and yet...everything about it seemed so right. The thoughts swirled around in my head, and I was just about to make a break for it when Jesse did the unthinkable.

I watched Jesse shift her position, and at first I passed it off as nothing more then discomfort. My heart began to race as she leaned in and pressed her lips gently into mine. It wasn't long but it felt like the world stopped around us, her lips, smooth and soft against mine, made my heart leap within my breast. When she did part her lips from mine I felt sure that my face was a mixture of shock and disappointment as part of me was hoping that the kiss would last longer. Jesse's face was as red as a tomato when she pulled away, and I smiled feeling a blush almost as deep a red as hers beginning to cover my face. Then she did exactly as I had just done to her, she gave me a lie, the only difference was hers was even worse then mine. The only problem is I almost believed her lie because she didn't lie very often.

Then when she got up and ran away I felt a little disappointed. Of all things to be going through my head at this moment though...was my kiss that bad...were my lips not good enough. I just sat dumbly on the balcony staring out at absolutely nothing, about a million thoughts flying through my mind, and not a single one of them made sense to me. Well that isn't entirely true, there was one thought that seemed to speak louder in my head...Jesse...and my feelings...they didn't lie...maybe we COULD be together. It was at that point that I rose up from my sitting position and stood up, my own shaking frame found it difficult to keep my balance. Never the less I wasn't going to be stopped now, I was going to find out what that kiss really meant. I walked into the bedroom to find Jesse standing there, her breathing coming short and ragged.

Without a second thought I walked up to her and turned her around. I looked at her in a different way now, in a different light...because...I think I loved her. I leaned into her again and gently pressed my lips into her again, longing to know if there ever could be anything between us. It didn't disappoint, when my lips met hers my heart rate increased and I felt time stop around us again. It was a beautiful feeling, a feeling that I never wanted to go away...a feeling of love. Slowly I broke away from her and I gave her a nervous smile, my hand slipping down to her hip. "I-I-I'm sorry...I had to know...if there was...if there could be...I'm sorry."

When I glanced up at Maybe I saw a nervous smile on her face, a look I was pretty sure was mirrored on my own face. The one thing I didn't see on her face was regret or embarrassment, and that alone was enough to tell me that there was a chance she and I could be something. Of course there was still the question of whether our feelings...be they good or bad...were socially acceptable. Being secluded within District 12 didn't allow me to see to much of what was acceptable, and I had never heard any stories of girls developing feelings for other girls. Something about it seemed so right, at least as far as my heart was telling me, and yet something didn't seem right about it...something unnatural. I didn't have much time to think about it though as Maybe finally found her voice and asked me why I always had to have an excuse for things I did.

It snapped me back to reality and I prepared to reply with one of my usual sarcastic comments, but as soon as I opened my mouth to talk I felt her lips press into mine again. Suddenly all I could think about was how soft her lips were, how much I wanted to hold her close. It was strange how that one simple action could make you forget about everything...how you could, just for that short amount of time, forget about the world. It was a feeling that I only got from the drugs before now, a feeling of complete escape, like nothing else in the world mattered. That's what it felt like when I Maybe kissed me...like only she mattered. In truth she was the only thing that mattered right now, with just the two of us together, our feelings for each other finally revealed. It scared me and excited me at the same time to know that the same feelings I had for her...she also had for me.

To quickly though Maybe broke away from the kiss and told me not to apologize. I could barely hear her though, all of my thoughts were consumed with our kiss or what would happen next. It was like the whole world had been turned upsidedown now, and what I had been able to see with crystal clarity before was now foggy and distorted. The straight path, or at least partially straight path, that I had walked before now spun in circles and branched off in so many directions I couldn't possibly predict where they led. Something about that alcohol was setting me off as it was, but it was like a new drug had been introduced into my system and in a way it had...I was experiencing love. I had always heard that love made you do crazy, stupid things but I had never believed it had that much power over people. At least I hadn't before now...experiencing it now showed me that it did indeed have a tremendous amount of power over your feelings and instincts.

It was then that Maybe asked the logical question, as usual, that snapped me out of my thoughts and left me wondering. What WOULD we tell the family, how in the world would they react to the news that we were together? Would it be easier for us to stay hidden from them, to keep us from being awkward with each other and our little family? Something told me that for now we should keep our relationship a secret, at least until we settled in and grew comfortable with the fact that we were together. "Let's just keep this between us for now Jesse...I mean it's so new...and we need to figure things out ourselves before we let everyone know. After all it might change their opinions of us, and we can't have a rift form in the family because of us. We can keep it a secret, how hard could that be?"