radioactive hearts // Will

I look over the water and think about the first time I ever swam. I was 5 years old. Grandpa could move then. Gabriel and I were causing trouble in the house so Mom made us play outside. Gabriel wore this bright yellow swim suit. He wouldn't wear anything else. I was in a little ruffled bikini with cherries my mother wore when she was my age. Very old but still nice enough to wear. I remember when grandpa Gabriel and I walked onto the beach me and him hand in hand with Gabriel on his shoulders. Gabriel was a good swimmer. He jumped right in and picked it up quick, only needing to cling onto grandpa a couple times. I refused to get in the water. Grandpa tried to get me in and I stubbornly stood there. His words echoed in my mind. "You will never know unless you take a change, Angi." Angi, why he called me that was a mystery but I loved if. No one has called me that since he died.

I look at Ip and saw Grandfather in a way. He was hesitant with thinking but blurted out. I smile softly, turning towards him instead of the exit. "Do you know the saying, 'Never judge a book by its cover?'" I ask him. "My brother will not hesitate to tell you that I might be pretty on the outside but on the inside isn't so much." Shaking my head I sigh. "I am never really sure why he says that and I don't really want to find out what he means."

Gabriel was someone I never really was sure about. He could be my biggest supporter and protector but sometimes he runs me into the ground and doesn't even realize it. I know he loves me but there is something about him that just scares me. He is popular and a jock and handsome but he could really but you down and scare you. No matter what I will always love him no matter what he tells me. Somehow, no matter what he always has an opinion about me. Something is always wrong. But he always backs it up with the simple, It's because I love you statement. And I believe him. "Maybe he sees himself in me and he's just warning me." I smile at the ground at Ip searches for words. "I just don't want you to get hurt." My heart shakes but I force myself to walk away. For the first time I feel something. I feel regret and the urge to go back to Ip. Maybe that was what Gabriel was warning me about. Once you feel something you will do anything to keep feeling. 

I want him to follow me but another half of me want =s him to let me walk away and see if we are actually meant to be. If we are meant to be God will bring us together. If that happens I will start believing in something. 

My heart was left back in the ocean. I felt like it was ripped out by Ip and he had it beating in this hot little hands. He had two choices. Throw it into the ocean and let it sink or treasure it until the day I die or he died first. My mother said when you find true love they will keep your heart until they die and they will be buried with it so no one else could have it. Because you belonged with them. Except it’s irony, because my mother and father usually fight now. Gabriel and myself drive them crazy even though I feel like we never really do anything. Maybe it’s just an excuse. They love each other but sometimes relationships are rocky.

I being to become cold as I walk into the square where I first met Ip. My book still laied in the sand next to Ip and I didn’t want to go get it. Dealing with pain was one of my down falls. It it everyones downfall. It was how people choose to deal with it shows how strong you really are as a person. Some people deal with the emotion pain better then others. Those people found a way that works the best for them. Everyone is different. So obviously different people will have different ways of handling emotional sadness and anger. My way isn't what would be classified in Gabriel's book as the good way to handle it. I don't think anyone would classify my way as a good way. I just cover up my emotional pain with physical pain. I believe physical pain is easier to cope with. It heals, it only hurts for a little while until it fades away. But emotional pain stays with you forever, no matter how much time you have to heal up the wounds. Fighting is the only way I know how to cope with things. And I feel Ip is trying to show me there are different ways of coping with pain. I just needed to open up and accept the change.

Looking back to the beach I sigh and walk back to my house on this hill. I kick the rocks as I go flashing smiles to all the boys who passed me and looked down. Except I kept comparing them to Ip. None of them were as perfect as he was. I walked up to the house and Gabriel opened the door. “Can I believe my eyes.” He said as he blocked the doorway. “Angel Vegara actually swimming.” He snickered as I tried to get passed him. “Who got you do to that.” Ip. I thought but I smirked. “My own damn self.” He let me pass and I took my wet shirt off. He closed the dorr but opened it and mentioned how he was going to get a drink if I wanted to come. I smile and run to get changed. It was late and mother and father weren’t going to come anyways so why not? Mybe my somber mind was the problem.

I was all glammed up. My hair was curled and I had a nice dress on with heals. As we walked I looked at Gabriel. “I think I am in love.” and you know what he did. He laughed. “Little Angel you aren’t in love who could freely love you for anything but your god looks.” I teared up. I couldn’t even say anything but walk in the opposite direction before he could see my crying.

For the past two days I haven't spoken to by brother. He has tried to apologize to me but I can't get myself to speak words to him. Not because I am upset at him, for the fear he might be right. Why would anyone love me? No one ever truly has. But those thought don't get the best of me. I still have hope. I have hope that maybe he was wrong and good things do happen to bad people. I only can wish because someone like Ip doesn't just appear to anyone.

School came around and I didn't want to go today even more then I did on a regular basis. I am 18 years old and it's a lot of lasts for me. After this year, I won't have to worry about the reaping and school is almost over. No more brainwashing in the tiny desks for 7 hours a day. Gabriel is always talking about what he's going to do after school but I am not. I can't even answer the question because I have one thing on my mind.

I have him on my mind.

I saw him in the halls once or twice today and I felt two things. Guilt and Butterflies. I felt guilty for leaving him on the beach when I should have went back and kept him, and butterflies with just the thought of him. But instead of talking to him I let him pass and I kept my eyes down while blushing. I knew Gabriel noticed me like this because by the end of the day he wouldn't even look at anything but who my gaze was on.

I walked home with my friends and Gabriel was no where to be seen.

Gabriel's POV

I walked out of my classroom with my book pack secured to my back and I walked the empty hallways on my way home. The smell of the sea passed my face and I stopped to look at the sea. I saw a figure walking to the stretch of sand and I recognized it as the boy who my sister suddenly was in love with. My brotherly instincts as well as my own curiosity made me follow him and stand a few feet back.

When I felt the warm sand by my feet I walked up next to him just looking to the ocean. Not looking at his face. "So you're the kid my sister is head over heals for now huh?" I laugh to myself smirking. "I see the way she blushes of you passed her and I keep thinking why you." I make a clicking sound with my tounge. My voice got deep and serious."she isn't for you. I would stay away from her."

Angel had always been someone whom I felt that needed my protection. I will admit I have never really a been a good guardian but I am better then nothing else. I say things I don't mean and it hurts her. I know it does. Sometimes I just speak without thinking. Harsh words and quick remarks come natural to me. Being personal doesn't work for me. I don't ever open up to anyone. Girlfriends were never a actual like partner for me. I never really had a personal relationship with them. I kinda just used them. I never really felt shame either.

My eyes hardened at this boy. His voice didn't crack and he was unusually solem for someone who was getting attack in some ways. I shake my head. "She will hurt you." No one understands that Angel isn't an angel. She's a little bitch, and a user. She's sly cunning and isn't afraid to hurt anyone. Even herself. "Get out of my sisters life, punk, before things get worse." If he does anything to her, I will hurt him,

Ying and Yang.

I think this might be the one thing in this entire country that is true. You can not be good without a little selfish intent. Nobody is perfect, we all have human flaws. It just going to remind us that there is always something to work on. Then there is the bad. We are all so fast to judge them and shut them away so we don''t have to deal with them. But have any of us realized a part of our so called 'good selfs' and in them too? Everyone bad has some good in them. It's always been there. Someone just has to come in, whether its someone else or themselves, and show it. It is the best way to explain people. We all have good and evil. No one is perfect, no one is all that bad. They can be bad, but not all bad.


I always ponder on that taught.


What would the world be if everyone was good? And the same goes for all the bad. I think everyone needs to realize there is a balance between these two things. There is always a balance. It’s what keeps everything going. A balance between good and evil. An unbalanced universe always leads to chaos and confusion. Fair is always the best way so no one has the right to tell you it’s not in their favor. I think my family needs to realize that balance. I have this big habit of being the best. Being the best isn’t something you try to be, you have to be it. For me, I have to strive to be the perfect, classic lady Blonde hair, fair skin, nice teeth but a not so nice attitude and a lot of scars. I possess all of those things. Following family traditions and being the perfect girl is what my family wants of me.

But we have never been the best.

There was no doubt now in my mind. There was no help for me. Whatever I faced, now and forever, no one would save me from it. My family might be scum, but they had been right, always right; the power to cause pain is the only power that matters, the power to kill and destroy, because if you can't kill then you are always subject to those who can, and nothing and no one will ever save you.

My mine always wanders on thoughts that make no sense. But Ip is alway there. His smiling face. His lips. They were always there. I couldn't help but find my feet leading to me the beach were I was hoping he would be. He would be waiting for me. It's only been days and it felt like months, years. And his voice keeps calling me name until I regret not turning around for him. 

My brother would not approve. I think he doesn't want me to be happy. But I have found happiness. ON this little beach I sit with my feet in the sand where I can smell the salt water and watch the waves over the sun. Grandpa was right. Everyone can learn to love. Even the heartless. 

I don't want to get hurt.

And that's what I think humans main focus is. Not to get hurt. Physical or mental pain it doesn't matter. Everyone wants to stay safe no matter how you are timid or a daredevil. We recline from a physical pain from a broken arm and then emotional pain as well. Physical pain is better then mental pain. You can fix a broken bone you have to set it and heal it slowly but emotional pain never gets fixed. It's always with you for the rest of your life. It is like little tears in you skin until one day it just rips and you loose it.

And that's it. I had inter conflict with myself. For the first time in my life I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted. First I wanted to feel love, then I was running away from it as fast I can. But her I am, I turned around and ran back towards the thing I was so afraid. I didn't want this to be some lame one night stand, I wanted it to be real. It should be. Because I didn't want to be like my brother. He would manipulate peoples feelings for him and he would watch as girls fell for girls that he wouldn't catch them.

I wanted someone to catch me. I didn't want to be dropped and left in the mud. I didn't want to feel rejected and not loved anymore. I want to feel like someone loved me more then they should. But how hard is that? How hard is it to love a girl who can't even say she loves her own self?

I look out into the water until I hear a faint call of my name. I turn around expecting it to be my brother. Starting to open my mouth I am stopped by a rush of force on top of me pinning me to the sand. Soft lips touch mine and I didn't even have to open my eyes to know who it was. His body slinks over mine and my hand touches his waist.

Letting the kiss go by pulling away slowly I smile up at him. "You couldn't stay away could you?"