cigarette smoke&deception } quintessence
Dec 29, 2013 18:04:39 GMT -5
Post by kendall on Dec 29, 2013 18:04:39 GMT -5
A L E X C U R T I S D I S T R I C T 1 2 |  Abandonment. When a mother leaves her child. When a friend leaves you for someone else. When a lover doesn’t love you anymore. When your brother killed a man. It tears people apart. Knowing that someone didn’t want you, yet cared enough not to tell you. They just left you alone because it was easier for them to face them face to face. I blame who I am on my brother. He caused me pain, suffering and acknoledgment that no one loves me. He is the reason I don’t even love myself. Blaming everything that has happened to me on my brother is the easy part. The hard part is accepting that it wasn’t his fault and you have no one to blame. It was just written in your story. But God Damn It, I wasn’t ready to accept that I was a street rat who steals, cheats and lies because that’s just who I am. Maybe I was meant for something bigger but instead I am here sitting alone in a cold alley smoking a cigarette humming an old tune my mother used to sing to me. She had a lovely voice. Sounded like an angel, like something that came from heaven or a far away place. Somewhere that had hope. It sounded so sweet compared to my brothers cries and screams of agony and anger. Mother would always tell me he would be fine, but I knew she was lying. Mother was worried about him. He wasn’t the way any boy should be. He would rather beat kids up then play with them. I asked him why he beat up little kids who were so innocent. He would look down at me, “If God really cared he would stop me.” Man, was he bad, but I wanted to be just like him. Cold and hard to reach. And that’s who I am. Watching the smoke dance in the air, I play with it. Bending it as it twists and turns until it rises and disappears. Sometimes, I feel like it’s telling me a story. The way it moves makes me want to move with it. The smoke calms my nerves. It lets me forget about my troubles as though every time I exhail, all my troubles leave me. I let my mind get ahead of itself, let it dream until it has to come back to the cold reality. It wasn’t telling me anything. And it for sure as hell wasn’t going to solve all my problems, it wasn’t even going to solve any of my problems. Only forget them for some times. It was only the smoke from my cigarette. My thought were inturrupted by a noise from the start of the alley. I growl under my breath, there was no way I was going to deal with someone right now. Not even getting up from the ground I puffed out some smoke before I turned to see the figure in the street. The smoke swirling around me I try to see who it was. I was in no mood to fight. Let’s face it, we are always fighting. |
