Pay Phone (Marr)

My father, the issue at hand, is what's sending most of these chills up and down my spine. Uncertaintly of what'll happen. How he'll react. Just the littest of things could just set him off from a fight gone wrong and one word of being pregnant has me curious just how long I'd be able to hide it from him anyways. I'll need to see a doctor, I know that, but going without a parent? Would that even be possible? He'll have to know, but it all depends. Matthew, on the other hand, gives me an answer that is reassuring to have. He'll be able to be there when it goes public for my family. Both my father and Jeran will know, but at different times. The way my boyfriend mentions that he won't let my father hurt me does send a tingle down my spine. As if my fears of what could happen is expressed through his words. Would my father actually physcially harm me? Even if I am pregnant? What's the worst he'll do? Without my mother here, the possiblities are endless, I imagine.

Contact between us is given. The feel of his body against mine that is enough to make me smile is present. His lips capture mine as I give in to the kiss first and he keeps it going. His hands that massage my neck. His fingers that holds me without letting go. I just escape into the moment and allow whatever to happen. My mind has been through so much from the last week and a half. This is the most releived I've felt since. The heat of the shower and his touch, it's perfect. If only we weren't going through a trecherous time. It would be our biggest issue since we've met. Who knew that seven months ago, I'd be in this situation with him. Who would have guessed that I would have put up with him after he was such a horrible guy to be around. Now, he's turn into something I can't live without.

Without notice, I bring up three words for him to answer to. Something that I am curious to know as well. Would he be disappointed for one gender and accept the other? Or would it even matter to him? I can't say that I know what the baby will be, but I hope that whichever it will be, he'll love him or her the same. I hope he'll want to take part in their life without favoring another. Maybe that's where my father went wrong? He favored Jeran for too long before switching to me after my mother passed away. A one child at a time parent.

"We'll return it if it's a girl. Hm... might be a litte later for that." Really? Of all the things to say, you'd return a girl? Typical, Matthew... A grin plays on my lips. I'm not taking that answer the wrong way because I know where he's going with it. A kiss is taken quickly as though he's trying to make up for what he said, but he don't have to.

"For your sake Matthew, I'd better be a boy. I think you'd be lost if it was a girl. You're still learning to handle me, afterall. Though, it would be a great teaching tool. See what girls are like from the beginning. We're not all raised to be killing machines." His hands bring the soap to my skin, running his fingers in every direction. Massaging in the sweet scent of the soap. This feeling is new between us. It's enjoyable and even when his hands rest on my stomach. Are you scared still Matthew?

"You won't hurt me." I plainly state. Then the direction manually changed and my back recieves the same treatment. I close my eyes, basking in these moments that won't last forever. These seconds we'll never get back and how I wish they would last a lifetime because I don't want things to change. I want things to stay the same but grow.

"I'll tell my dad today. Otherwise I might not work up the gutts anymore...and then you can stay here." Is he meaning permanently, because I know my father wouldn't appriciate that. Once in a while, when I know he's not coming home it doesn't even matter anymore. He's found someone else. I've come to that conclusion as he's came home with a feminine smelling perfume before. He just hasn't gotten the nerve to tell me or Jeran about it. Why else would he be staying out at night? Not for his work, that's for sure.

"Should I come back after, or do you want me here when you tell him? You can probably best predict what will his reaction be?" I don't have to say it, but his father will be more understanding then mine, I know that. Even if he has the same outlook on women that Matthew did, his father, I'm sure, won't be cruel. Hopefully....?

I rinse off with the water, letting the soap fall away from my skin. I turn, facing Matthew yet again and take the soap away from him and pour some in my hands as the soap begins to mask his skin as well. Softly and gently, my hands work with his shoulders and down each arm and back up to his shoulders. Massaging gently, I linger there until my fingers tie in around his neck. Can we just forget everything going on and just go back to the way we used to be? I crave to just have those kinds of moments with him again, but it'll never be the same again. So, I give him this look of satisfaction before I change spots with him, and let him under the direct flow of water as my fingers work with his back.

It's almost just sensual how this works between us. The calm before the storm. The most anticipated moments of absolute stillness in the wake. The silence that surrounds us as the sound of the water hits the bottom of the tub. "Can we just stay here forever?" I question without even knowing why. "I'll let you finish." I tell him, and step out of the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around my form and disappearing to his bedroom. That's when I get lost in the little things on his dresser and stare into the mirror for a moment. Can this happen more? Will it ever happen... me and him? A sigh escapes me as I close my eyes, wrapping my arms over in front of me, breathing in gently the now.