Pay Phone (Marr)

My day has been nothing short of stressing out and fear. Stressing out because of what news I have to tell Matthew. Something that is so personal, that I feel as if this is going to be the make or break of our relationship. It usually if for girls my age. One slip of the word that threatens to come out but still hasn't is hitting me hard. It's all over my thoughts and tonight, Matthew will be home from the Academy. I have to tell him. I have to let him know what's been going on with me lately. On top of what went down with Jins, this has suddenly arose. I'm.. pregnant. The words just seem so foreign to me. Almost as though it's a dream, but there's no way, with Vy's help in finding out that it's true, this is all too real. No dream. No nightmare. I've got this big issue that has suddenly stopped me in my own tracks. There's no turning back now. Matthew... what have we done?

I sit alone in the house. My feet curled up to my body as I lean to the left against the cushions of the couch. No voices or music fill the house. Yet again, my father has taken his leave 'claiming' for it to be work related. I've become suspicious of what he's doing now a days. Work related stuff just doesn't take you from your home two or more times a night. For some reason, the word 'girlfriend' keeps playing in my mind. I can't beleive it... if my dad has a girlfriend. If he does, why doesn't he tell us?

I lay my head over on the couch and close my eyes. His arrival will come soon enough and the dreading part of it is that I have no clue how he's going to take the news. I'm not even sure I'm taking the news well enough. To take care of something so tiny one day and watch them grow is scaring me to no ends. Vy does it though and she's wonderful at it. Me? I'm clueless.

*Ring*

I open my eyes quickly, hearing the ring. I know, for some reason, that it's going to be Matthew, cause I know he's coming home tonight. That means that whatever happens tonight will be the deciding factor.

"Hello? Hi, Matthew!" I try to sound as chipper as ever, but the underlying in my voice is nerves. I listen to him and as he tells me he's not coming home tonight, my mouth drops. I'm speechless. What I have to tell him is so dire that it can't wait another week. There's no way I'm going through this alone, not unless he decides that he's not up for this. So, as I studder to get out the words, my tone is a little more harsh than I mean to.

"A week? Matthew, I... We need to talk. Okay? I can't wait another week of your absence and... if you don't come... " I try to calm down because my throat is burning with emotions and tears welling up. "... just come home tonight, if you can. I'll be out at the hunter's lake, near my house. If you need to stay there and study, I won't hold it against you. It'll be fine."

My voice breaks, but before I hang up the phone, I voice one more try. "I love you, Matthew." The phone slowly leaves my ear and I hang up the phone.

PAT - 585

I love him. I love him. This shouldn't change a thing, right? With or without what's to come, I've used those words a lot lately, but this shouldn't effect it right? Do I blame him... wait, I can't blame him. It's just as much my fault. It was bound to happen, right? But it wasn't suppose to. I fret. The phone conversation that plays over and over in my head. My conversation and his. I coudn't beleive that he wanted to stay at the school to study when I'm freaking out over what news I have to tell him. What life altering thing has happened to me. This takes the cake. These moments that I keep saying the word 'baby' in my head is telling me that I"m not over reacting. I am pregnant and Matthew doesn't even understand how much I need him right now. He will though.

If he decides to come home... I left him with a slight warning, but also a choice. I would be fine if he didn't come home, but that didn't mean I would be alright. It just meant that it was his decision whether or not I mattered when something this big was happening. He didn't know exactly what was going on. Maybe the urgency in my voice, the tone that poured from my mouth, would instill some fear in him. I start to think about the words that I used, and realize that one simple phrase I had said was something a girl would say to someone who was breaking up with their boyfriend. "Shit." My mouth expells the curse like it was nothing.

"Matthew, I don't know what to do?" I question the air around me. I walk for a while, toward the lake that I told Matthew I'd be at. I always seem to think better around somewhere calm and serene. Somewhere that I can visibly see movement if I was to throw something at the still liquid and see the effects. It's better than staring at dirt and expecting something to happen. With water, it reacts to the harsh greeting.

When I finally do reach the rock that overlooks the lake a bit, I stop and pick up a stone. The rough matter of it tickles my palm and I turn it over in my hand a few times until I am satisfied but also the heat of the rock starts burn my skin. It's launched. High in the sky, I wait to hear the 'plot' as it breaks the waters surface and crumple to my knees when the sound acts like a button and I lose it. Tears fall from my eyes, my body racked with fear. How am I suppose to become a mother? How is Matthew going to react to being a ... dad? Is this just a nightmare?

"WAKE UP... " I scream to the air and sit there for what seems like forever. Time keeps rolling as I barely move from where I sit. If Matthew would have came home, wouldn't he have been here by now? If he cared at all, shouldn't he be saying my name right now and trying to figure out what was so dire that it couldn't wait another week? I look behind me in the direction that I had came and see nothing yet again. "He isn't coming..." I force myself to recon with. Matthew deems me unimportant when it comes to his job. This is what's going to seperate us." I place a hand to my stomach, letting my fingers move slowly over the shirt. "I'm sorry little one..."

"Ky." The voice suddenly breaks the silence as a flitter of hope makes my heart soar. I didn't think that he had came home. My mind was completely determinded that he was staying out of my life, yet here he is and a small grin actually appears. Is it possible that he does love me enough? Will he still feel the same?

"I decided to come. You sounded... all in a flutter. Brought my books since you decided I can't study at the academy." He sits beside me, kissing me as he explains a little bit, making my attitude seem like I had lost it, basically. I shake my head but don't really put much into the kiss. I don't push him away, but after a week of not seeing him, it really isn't a welcomed greeting just yet.

"I needed you here. Is that so much to ask?" I stare into his eyes and mark the clarity. I love when his eyes shine like that. He doesn't really seem angry that he had to come home, but a bit on the rough side the way he blames me for not letting him stay this weekend. "You know, you always come home on the weekends. I can't beleive that you were even considering staying."

My tone is a little biting, but he's brought it on. I put my hand out to the side and grab on to another stone, and throw it to the water. Ripples form and expand on top of the waters surface. Like the words that's refusing to come up, but holding in my throat. I'm starting to let the nerves tear me apart again. "What took you so long?" I wonder. Normally, it don't take as long as it did when he would come home. Maybe, he was going to stay? I gather my two hands into my lap and keep my gaze away from his eyes.

PAT - 922

I'm trying to tell him that I need him more than he knows. Right now, with the anticipated outcome of what I'm going to be telling him, I have to know for certain if he's going to be the kind of man who stays or goes at the first word. Right now, all I get is his attitude. I'm getting that complete ass that I talked to when I first met him and shortly after that, as well. It's starting to come back and I'm unsure why he's biting back. I know that I'm not exactly happy, and I think it's coming out in my words, but why does he have to keep it going? I"m the one stressing out right now. I'm the one scared out of my wits because I'm the one whose life is about to change dramatically and never go back to normal. He's the one who gets to decide whether or not he wants part of our lives. He can get away scott free while I'm barred down with responsibilities and a tiny baby to care for.

Yet, he claims that he's two weeks behind in his studies and it stabs me in my heart. Not my chest or anywhere else, but clearly in my heart. I know what happened for him to have those two weeks that made him lag behind. It was my fault. It was what I didn't do that caused him so much trouble and here I'm trying to let him know of something so dire and he's more worried about his work and studies. I try to picture him with a child, holding a tiny baby in his hands, but for some reason, the image just won't come up. His bite just keeps getting worse though. He's calling me selfish for wanting him here, accusing me of just wanting to get cozy. He don't even know the circumstances that are weighing me down.

"I'm selfish?" I say it with a hurtful tone, questioning his words. Maybe he's right. Is it selfish of me to keep things from him all the time? Except for now, when I want to tell him that he's going to be something more than just a boyfriend to me. He'll end up being my baby's father. Is it selfish of me to let him know that? Quickly, that phone call has suddenly turned out to be the worst thing to happen today and has caused all of these emotions that I hate to show. "I'm sorry you think that, but I do understand how much you want it. I just thought I mattered just as much."

Mentally, I'm debating with myself. Should he even know, now? Won't be the first time I kept something from him. Yet, the only problem with that is this isn't like all the other secrects. This one will keep growing. This one will show soon enough, I know that. The longer I wait, the harder its going to be to tell him and if I don't tell him now, it's going to not only piss him off, but ensure that he claims that this baby isnt' his or something. Besides, I barely even see him anymore. Twice a week, whereas before the academy, it was almost a daily thing. It's bothering me to see him go off on an adventure to better himself while I'm stuck at home, with an empty house whose father never comes home, and a brother whose off having the same adventure. Gala and I rarely hang out. This solitary life is becoming difficult to manage not to mention the nightmares that still invade my sleep. He has no clue. Not one.

So, the next thing I ask, also has a biting reply to it.

"What are you timing my actions now? I went home to change..." Ouch! The pinch in my stomach tells me that I need to calm down. The chills that invade my spine, turning my blood cold is making me react to this fight with fear.

"No, I'm not... I didn't think you were coming. It took you longer to get here than when you are usually planning to come home. I thought you had made up your mind to stay. Sorry!" I explain it to him, yet the last word comes out in a huff, with a twinge of hatred with it. Not really a true sorry at all.

"So what's so important that I need to fail my test? An inaudible gasp occurs, taking in a large amount of breath. Did he really just blame me for him failing when he's not even taken his test? When this probably has nothing to do whether he passes or fails? The blame is all over me. That's it. I can't help but to stay silent, tears beginning to form in my eyes. I can feel my fingers begin to shake. I'm going to have to go through having this baby alone, aren't I? He won't be ready to be a father... hell, it took forever for him to just want a girlfriend... Shoo'ing me away whenever he felt defeated.

"Nothing..." Is my reply.

"Did you bring me here to break up with me?" Is that what he thinks I'm doing? When it's completely the opposite. I had high hopes for him to be part of my life and the thing that we've created. Now, is what he said his way of putting the blame on me again? Does he want me to break up with him so he can have his life as it was before he ever met me?

"Is that what you want Matthew? Do you want me to let you off the hook? Cause you really seem like I'm nothing but a burden anymore. I've caused you nothing but harm and pain since we've known each other. So, Is this what you've wanted? So you can go and focus on your little career? Go ahead. You're eighteen now. You can go off and have your little adventure. Go back to not having to worry about anyone but yourself!" Tears flood my eyes, and even one decides to fall when I blink. A look of dread falls upon my features. I'm digging the hole just as much as he is but I'm the one about to fall in without any hope to get out. "I'm sorry, Matthew. I didn't mean to be selfish. If you want to go back to the academy, go ahead. I'll see you whenever you feel like seeing me."

I've fallen in. I turn my back on him and subconsciously a hand goes to my stomach discreetly, as my fingers tighten into a fist. White knuckles appear with the grip but the tears only collect more into my eyes. What did I just do? Did I break up with him? Or did I just simply let him off the hook to do whatever he wants to do? Oh, little one, what have I done?

PAT - 1162

"Fine. Suit yourself." His retort as a result of me not wanting to tell him what's going on. There's not really a reason to tell him now if he thinks that his future career is on the line. That coming home is going to effect it that much for a weekend like he always does. Is that what matters most to him? What would he even think about having to divide his attention from his job if this child is born. Will he think the same way? His job would be more important? Calm down, Ky. Quite getting excited... it'll be okay? It'll work out, right? Just when it can't get worse between us, he thinks I brought him all the way out here to break up with him. If I wanted to do that, I would have told him to stay at the academy. I wouldn't have been as dire to have him home to tell him this news that is both good yet fearful. Though, after what I say to him, he acts like he has no clue what's going on. He just don't understand, if only I could get the phrase out. If only he knew, but I can't find the right time to spit it out. I can't see any way around this argument to add in this news that isn't going to have him running off. Having a girlfriend is one thing that almost ran him off the first time, afraid to even mention that I was his.

I pushed to have this relationship. Didn't I? I'm the one that wanted it in the first place. Not him. He just wanted a little bit of fun in the beginning... right? As if to let him go, I tell him that he can just go back to the academy to finish off his weekend. Maybe, he'll be back next week, but I'm unsure of myself. What am I going to do with this kind of news? How am I going to tell my father? Would Jeran help me? I can't do this on my own, but I will if I have to. I turn my back on his. I dont' want to see the look in his eyes when he's playing dumb.

"When do I treat you like you're a burden? You're so delusional. I've treated you better than anybody else. Ive opened up to you and actually give you a chance in my heart. Just because I want to study because that crazy bastard put me in the hospital?" Emotionally, the arrow keeps peircing me in the heart.

"You don't have to say it, Matthew. I only asked you to come home this weekend, because I needed you, but you've got your own things to do. You're future is at stake, right? I understand that, but I barely see you enough as it is. Ever since you joined that damn academy, I feel like a burden to you. Like, I'm holding you back from doing what you need to in order to get your marks. I'm just some girl at home that you come to every weekened..." Okay, I'm trying to be supportive, but it only comes out as though this academy thing is causing the problem. What's started out like a molehill is turning into a mountain, and I've got nothing to climb it.

"And you've never cause me any pain, he did, get that in your damn thick skull!" My fingers extend against my stomach. Slowly, I let my fingers move upward and back down. I'm trying to reason with myself and trying to keep calm, but again, he only thinks it's Jin's fault. Tyren and Vy has tried to tell me the same thing. If only I beleived it.

"And who do you think introduced you to him? HUH? Who was it that even told you about Jins for you to even feel you needed to protect me from him? You made the decisions to help. Not me. Whatever happens to you always comes back on me."

"You didn't until now.

So, now he's admitting to me hurting him? Was it because of what happened with Jins or the thought that we're breaking up that caused him to say that? Can this really be happening? Between us? I've told him so many times that I've loved him and now... it seems like it's only going down the drain, at a rapid speed. I bite hard on the inside of my cheek, trying to keep the words from pouring out.

"I knew that falling for a girl was a bad idea."

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry that it had to be me..." I turn around for one moment to give it to him straight. Just as soon as those words leave my mouth I turn back around, this time, the tears can't do anything but sting on the way down. They stain my cheeks with lava. With heaving breaths, I can't help but choke out a sob. I can tell this will be it between us and I feel so much to blame. He'll walk off and leave like any other person. With what kind of attitude he has, and his past, why wouldn't he just walk out of my life? Our lives...

"Are you fucking breaking up with me? I'm not going anywhere until you tell me!" I turn around to meet his gaze. Wiping harshly to the tears, but my mouth opens and closes a few times because I just can't get the words out. How do I tell him I'm pregnant? How do I tell him that the whole reason for me needing him here is worth it? Will he even consider a baby a good reason? Vy has a baby and she does well by herself. Alex and Adina are going to be parents and they seem happy about it. Matthew and I? Will we even make good parents? I have no choice, but he does.

"No. I love you, Matthew. I was never wanting to break up with you. I have never wanted to lose you. Not now or ever... Not even in the worst situation we've face so far but I'm leaving that up to you Matthew. If you want out of our lives, then so be. I can do it by myself... if you feel you'd rather worry about your career as a peacekeeper and dealing with people that hurt others, you are more than suited for the job. I can't think of a better person. If you take that path, then maybe we're better off without you..." My breaths have become inaudible now, again, the back of my hand goes to wipe away the tears that sting my cheek and I turn my face away so he dont have to feel pressured to make a decision. "I'm not walking away from you this time. It's your turn to walk away if you want me gone."

PAT - 1157

When I start spilling out the words like twig going over the falls, some of the words seem to stun him; confuse him. He starts asking questions about what I'm saying and it confuses me for a moment until I realize that I've been used certain words, but it's too late now. Question is, will he understand without me saying it? Can he figure it out just by what I'm saying? I don't get much of a word in. He wants to know what I can do by myself. He want's to know what I'm talking about. Though, I'm not done yet. I dont stop to answer his questions. Just tears are my physical words. They speak louder to him as I can tell cause his face distorts into wanting to do something to comfort me, I can sense that. I don't want it though. Not until we figure this out or I have to walk away first. The next set of words I happen to say is complimenting his skills. I'm trying to tell him that he'd be a better peacekeeper than what I'm wanting to keep from him.

"Because I'm one of them?" I shake my head violently, though I can't see anything beyond the tears.

"No! Because you do better protecting people then... then..." I stop. He cuts me off because he wants to know who I'm talking about. He's wanting to know who 'we' are because it pertains to me and this unborn baby that I'm trying to protect from someone whose going to just make himself available at his own expence and when he sees fit.

"Who's we? YOu and your family? Jeran's going to be a peacekeeper, too. Why on earth does it suddenly sem so wrong to you to put my full ass into the academy when last week you were supporting me and not too long ago you were a very dedicated career?" The logical things to bring up. My brother is destined to become a peacekeeper as well, but that don't bother me as much as it does with Matthew now. How do I say this? How to I get across to him that he's about to become a father?

"I know Jeran is going to become a peacekeeper. That's not what I'm talking about... Matthew..." I start, but Its still unbelievable to myself still. To say these words will feel like I'm dooming myself as well. Coming to terms with what my future will be like. "Things have changed. Things always change and I'm only trying to make things come together. I'm trying to get you to understand..."

"Kyanite, you'd better get a grip on yourself." I feel it. The anger and fear rising up into my throat. The pinching in my stomach that's getting worse. The burning tears that just seem to be coming without stopping. He wants to know so bad what I dragged him all the way from the academy for. He's thinking I've lost it mentally, I know. My mouth opens, yet closes and turn away from him and take two steps away. Then I stop because I can't just leave letting him standing there without knowing. He deserves to know and to have a responce to this dire issue. He deserves a chance. He's never let me down before when I really needed him. Will he back down or step up? I turn back around to him and looking up to the sky for a moment, then to him, when my eyes meet with his, I break it to him.

"Matthew... I'm pregnant!" My right hand goes directly to my mouth because I don't want to show the force of the words it's had on me. I've finally came out and said it. To him... to the clouds, to my mother, whom must be so disappointed in me to see me be so young. I even feel disappointed for myself. Clinching my eyes shut, the last few tears fall and I can't stand to see the look on his face. Yet, somehow, I end up whispering it all over again in between choked sobs. It's just as much of a shock to me as I know it is to him. "... I'm pregnant."

PAT - 706

Whether walking away will help or not, I decide to give him a chance. It's not either of our faults that this is happened, but rather it is both of our faults. We're young and invinsible. Neither of us would have to deal with this in our own fairy tale. We would just continue to grow with one another until we decide on taking our love further by maybe joining together in an engagment. One where we would include our closest friends and family into it. Then maybe somewhere later on in life, after we've passed our reaping years, we might decide to settle down, but children? A baby to call our own? I've never even thought about it. It happens to everyone else... it happens to Vy and to Adina, but to myself and Matthew?

No!

NO!

Can't be?

I am...

I blurt out the words to Matthew because I can't keep the nerve racking news to myself. I have to let him in on what's bothering me so bad that we've had to fight. Why I needed him to come home, why I threatened him that if he didn't take this serious enough, that we'd be better off without him. It all finally makes sense to him in the form an a gasp. I can't see him through the tear filled eyes, nor when I clinch them shut and keep my mouth covered, letting my body become nothing but a mere violent tremor to how scared I've become. I've been scared before, traumitized even, but this is something totally different. This, I can't control now. This has to happen because even the thought of doing anything to get rid of this life growing inside of me is off topic. No matter what Matthew says about the issue, I can't do this to him or to myself. He or she deserves a chance just like I am giving him.

"You are? Whoa. Really?" These words keep slipping through his mouth, not a one trying to comfort me or to talk his way out of this situation. No refusal of rights or accusing my enemy of being the father. He's completely stunned to find out that he's going to end up being a father in the near future and there's nothing that's going to change that. I can't change it now, and nor can he. If we had tried to be a little more careful, as he suggested once, this might not have happened. The fates have decided to give us something to work with and as I stand here completely withdrawn to the world around me, my mind spinning with so many scenarios of looking up to find Matthew disappearing around the next tree when I suddenly feel his arms... His arms going around me.

He comforts me.

He holds me strongly against his body in order to keep me upright. He gives me everything I'm needing right now. Instead of watching him take off, he's stepping up to do whatever it takes, I try to think. He's not wanting the easy way out of this situation. Damn it Matthew, I gave you a chance to get out scott free. You didn't take it at all. Why not? Why are you exactly what I need? I cry into his shoulder. I sob gently against the growing pains that I'm feeling inside of me for my life and Matthew's. Caring for something we've created is going to really be a challenge, but if he's ready, so am I! Together, we can do it, right?

He hardly lets go of me. He keeps me wrapped up within his embrace. It's like lifting a bit of the burden off my own shoulders the longer he's staying. Does that mean, he's going to help? Stay with me? Help raise this little person that we'll one day meet? His arms loosen just a bit, but my mind is screaming for him to not let go, but a gentle kiss is given instead. Matthew, don't... that's what got us into this mess in the first place.. I tease myself, but dont say that outloud. I finally look up to him with tear stained, puffy red eyes to try to read what he's going to say, if anything at all. He don't. This kind of situation doesn't need words; just action and reaction.

The longer he goes without speaking, I try to quesiton him with my eyes. Are you staying? Will you help me? Is there anything we can do? What can we do? Promise me that you'll not make me do this by myself. I've got so many feellings of fear running through my body and my mind. Mostly I question my ability to even be a mother. That word is so foreign to me.

"Say something..." I beg him, then I move my arms to wrap around his body as well, leaning my head, my ear, against his chest listening to his thrumbing heartbeat. It's so fast and irregular. It's matching the way mine is feeling right now. We are both absolutely scared. We are both so unprepared and not ready for this, but there's no choice now.

"I'm scared, Matthew." That one word that I think we're both afraid to say, but I need to voice it out for myself. "How do we take care of a baby?"

PAT - 890

Say something. It's the first thing out of my mouth from the moment the words came out that I'm pregnant. That's all I had to say really. The amount of force it took was like a drop of water being forced over the dam by the rest of the force coming in from behind it. My entire body just seemed to shut down at that moment. The hand that was over my mouth to conceal the way my mouth wanted to tremble. To keep any more word from filing out and expelling something I didn't want to say or couldn't. Right now, as I stand with Matthew, my head on his chest, there's not much I want more than just to have this. He's standing with me. Fears are exposed for Matthew to let him know what's truely going on in my head and its summerized in that one word. 'Scared'

His responce to it is just as simple. 'Yeah'. So many things behind that saying that we're going through the same emotions. Even though one may be greater then the other, it depends on the one whose side that emotion is on. For me, I'm going to be dealing with the fear of carrying this child, all the changes that will occur with my body. The months that I'll have to endure with him being gone through the academy, if he stays. Then there's actually holding the baby in my hands when I'm hardly even grown myself. I'm still a kid, in a sense. I felt so much older before I found out that I was going to be withchilded. Now, I feel like kid again, wanting my mom to hold my hand and tell me what to do. Problem was with that... my mother is dead.

"I have no idea but we're going to do it. You're not alone, Ky. Whatever happens I'm not going to bail on you." I feel unimaginably releived. I was so terrified that he would walk out, refusing to come to terms with being a father to something like this. I mean, sure, in a few years when we might have been ready or expecting for this to happen, but not now. Not at our ages. I'm not even eighteen.

"Thank you." I all I can manage to whisper out, but those two words that are so common to say really say it all at a time like this. I know before I said a few things to him, pushing him away, but now that he's said the lump of it all, I know I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. At least he had both parents' at the start, but is that really the point? Vy was able to do it but me? We're all so different. Each of our lives are so different from the rest. Then the time to really think are here. Matthew sits and he takes my hand to do the same.

We sit, side by side, as silence wraps around us. The lake in front of us moves gently to the wind, and I find myself able to calm down just enough that the tears aren't pouring down my face. A few sniffles still remain, but while all of the words from the fight disappear into the past, we have bigger things to face in the future. Finally, he speaks up first, because I just can't get my voice to work, nor do I know what to say now.

"Are you really sure you're .... pregnant." I give him a nod.

"Umm, I was two weeks late... two tests.There's no other explaination. The sickness. That explains that one morning I spent the night with you. I thought it was the drinks that I had with Vy. I just thought the hangover was that bad or I had the stomach virus. I had no clue... until she put it in my head. When the week went by and I still didn't get... you know, I found out. I didn't know what else to do, so I went to Vy. I had no one else to turn to." Meaning, an older female that I could trust. My father is going to kill me when he finds out. Jeran as well. Suddenly, the pit of my stomach falls through.

"We were pretty careless." Careless or just naive that it could happen to us.

"It just... shouldnt' happen to us, you know? How was we to know that it would... occur? We were careful? I thought we were?" Slowly the words start to even out. The trembling disappearing as his arm wraps around my waist and his fingers move against my back in a soothing motion. I can feel his movements shake. His whole body is shaking. Another set of tears somehow seem to creep up on me the more I think about it and how I'm going to tell my father and brother. What about his father? I turn into Matthew, burring my head into his chest again and just take in his scent.

"I don't know what to do, Matthew. What's next? My father is going to kill me, and I'm not putting it lightly. I'm uneasy around him... when he finds out..." I start to wonder what will happen. Will he kick me out? Let me stay? What about Matthew? "Will you tell your father about this?"