Shadow Svenin [D6]

S H A D O W

(We're everyday robots in control
Or in the process of being sold
Driving in adjacent cars
'Til you press restart)

People are such gullible fools.

I proudly play that to my advantage. I'm just a puppet master, using my words as strings to have people dance around, have them act how I want, have them feel what I want and have them do what I want. I used to watch people perform puppet shows and admired them, now I realize they're just amateurs, nothing but a step down from the stop level. That would be me. I speak, I wear my various masks like they're apart of me and people just bend. It's so simple and I get what I want, I think I enjoy it in a way.

It's more than just looks. I guess you could say I'm attractive because I try so hard to keep up appearances. My blackish brown hair must never be greasy, it must be brushed and combed appropriately. It must never grow long because long hair can get annoying, it gets in the way of vision, it tickles me neck and that one smirk, that one thing that throws my concentration off just ruins the whole mask. Of course it's hard to keep up my appearance, my family isn't that rich and I'm not exactly a top surgeon so I do what I can - it's called using your resources effectively and I'm good at it.

I quite like my face. It compliments my different masks, my puppet mastery perfectly. I have a rather narrow jaw, it's not a strong jawline but that's not a big problem. My eyes are blue, like the sky, always observant but they change. When my mask changes they change. Sometimes they'll look hurt, sometimes they'll look upset, sometimes happy or relieved. But sometimes I'm not just wearing a mask and I'm genuinely angry, sometimes I genuinely want to kill them. But I only ever manage to get as far as injuring them. People say you can tell someone's intentions by their eyes - that's obviously not true. I proved that wrong a long time ago.

My body is riddled with scars from past ventures, I'm always doing stuff, always doing weird stuff especially. Climbing trees and falling, playing dangerous games - it's completely exhilarating and stimulating that I just can't stop. I get hurt but that's only sometimes, these games provide everything I need and want , fun, movement, stimulation.

I'm rather skinny, well very skinny, and I'm medium height - only standing at six foot. Like I said we only have the clinic supporting us and that can only being in so much. Therefore, I can't afford to be eating feasts everyday, food is only part of our needs, there's so much more. My skinniness doesn't really bother me; in fact I actually enjoy being so thin. It opened possibilities of wearing so many other masks. It's simple, wearing a mask to manipulate others isn't just about tone of voice, crying or body language, so much of it has to do with appearance. At the end of the day a mask does rely of deceiving through vision. If I was big, tall, strong and ugly I wouldn't be able to pull off half of what I do.

I wear different masks for different people depending on how I want to manipulate them. Take my sister for example. I have sick desires that nest in my mind. I don't know where they came from, just as I aged so I have to use my masks, my words, my facial expression, everything so she remains mine. Sometimes I wear the mask of the nice, protective brother. I plaster my smiles onto my face, I cuddle her when she needs comfort, I listen to her problems and try to seem understanding and she plays right into my hands. I'll be able to get her to do anything for me (steal stuff, get something for me, write something for me) as long as it benefits me she's the main person I can rely on to do it. It's all about switching me masks when necessary, being subtle, being caring one moment then subtly intimidating her the next.

It's amazing where one can go when they're prepared to play with people's weak emotions and desires.

I guess I practically live off her, I need something done I switch my masks, play on her emotions, have her dance around and she can say no as many times I'll find a way to twist the no into yes. Be it through coaxing, intimidation, begging, fake crying, anything and she'll eventually do it. I live off her actions she does for me and I'm not sure if she even realises it yet but in the end she listens. I'm still the older brother after all. And who knows, maybe even one day I'll take from her what I truly, secretly desire. It's just about doing the right thing at the right time.

But of course I need to make sure no one else walks into the picture and messes that up. More specifically her friends and the occasional boyfriend she brings home. They're hard to deal with. I feel threatened by them because they'll steal her away from me, or they'll realize what I'm doing and save her. Sometimes the threat gets so bad my impulsiveness takes over - I can't control it, it's just there and I do things without thinking. Sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn't. One time she brought a boyfriend over, this guy was tall and stocky but I felt threatened by what he was doing he was strong and attractive, he would've stolen her away.. On an impulse, on a whim I managed to piss him off to the point that he proceeded to punch me in the face. It worked out for the best because I used it to my advantage. After a whole night of thinking I managed to get her to break up with him, wearing my innocent victim mask, my sympathy card and my older brother card and she broke up with him.

It works out for me one way or another - I just have to continue switching between masks

It's not just my sister, I do it for practically everyone I meet. I'm always wearing a mask, trying to develop a way I can get them to fall prey to my charm and get attached to my strings. It doesn't work for everyone unfortunately. Some are either psychologists, are related to a psychologist, know a psychologist or are just so smart that they know to stay away. They always just stay away because I'm 'dangerous'.

I wear so many different masks depending on who I am around but I always make a point to remember who I truly am. Impulsive, empty, selfish, dangerous, manipulative. It's no secret how impulsive I am sometimes, when I was a child I'd always get bored, unable to sit around doing nothing in a classroom, I'd get irritable, I'd start doing things I'd regret later. Everyone knows I'm impulsive. Not so bad, in fact sometimes I use it as another tool of manipulation.

Sympathy.

I wasn't always so good at the whole manipulation for my benefit thing. When I was a child, when I was growing up I never really understood other people, I was pretty misunderstood myself. I'd see kids always crying over things they saw as scary - I never really found it scary. In fact things such as climbing trees was always exhilarating, I always needed to be entertained and I still do, I guess I'm childlike in that respect. I hate sitting down and doing nothing - it's frustrating, there's no stimulation or any kind of need for it. I must be doing something, just like back then.

I did whatever I did to get what I want. Some kid had a toy I wanted? I'd push them over and take it. Sure the teachers would shout at me but I was never like the other kids and would cry over it; I'd just stand there and stare at them blankly. Only if they took the toy away would I react and get angry because then all of that was for nothing. I would be forced to say sorry but honestly I never meant it and I think people would know I didn't mean it. I wouldn't look at the ground or look ashamed at all, I'd just say the words like I was reciting a boring piece of poetry. "Sorry." What a stupid word.

But as I grew older I began to observe other people's guilt, their behaviour, what certain people liked and didn't like and I began to mimic. I began to mimic certain social and human behaviours I saw others doing. Like when I used to see couples at school deeply 'in love' with each other, they'd kiss, they'd whisper things in each others ears, they'd hold hands and look really happy together. I'd listen to what they say and I'd practice it myself, usually in front of a mirror until I began to see it as convincing. It took time to learn, it took even longer to perfect but in the end it's just like adapting to something, just get used to it over time and eventually become the best, the fittest. But it's never real, compassion, love, empathy, all pointless emotions in the end.

Here's all I've seen from a few of these puzzling characteristics:

Love - relationships end, and for some reason people seem so hurt and they cry in a corner or something until they eventually get over it. From what I've seen it's a weakness and it creates vulnerability, if it isn't why can I so easily manipulate other using it?. Sex is the only part of the whole thing were no one gets hurts and let's face it, it can be done all day and it doesn't get any less fun.

Compassion - So just because someone sees someone suffering they have some sort of emotional tug inside them to help the suffering person? That's weird - the only time I really help people is if it benefits me.

Guilt - If someone's going to do something and feel bad about it afterwards why do it in the first place? I mean what I do and I never feel the need to take back my actions.

Empathy - I just can't relate to other people's feelings and why should I? They have their feelings and I have mine. What's the point in feeling each others?

Sympathy - I don't feel sorry for others. It's not like it's happening to me.

Fear - It just holds people back in the end, is there truly any use for it?

They're useful feelings to play with, but I hate them.

Some of these traits are just impossible to mimic: the best thing I can do to look guilty is hang my head and say sorry in the saddest voice possible. Empathy and sympathy is just something I can't feel or experience, and even from looking at people it's impossible to mimic, nothing I can do about that and compassion just makes no sense to me what so ever. But the point is that others have them, and if others have them then I can use them. I found that out eventually, just when I had started becoming a teenager and I couldn't use force to get what I want because I'm skinny and other people are big. I Have to use my words and actions instead, not my fists.

My mother left my father and she never came back. That bitch. I was five when she left and now he takes care of all of us on his own. Growing up I watched him run this clinic that supported us, I've grown up around medicinal drugs, surgical equipment, sick people, dead or dying people. All five of us did. But I think I was the most interested in it. I would go to school, come back home and spend a lot of time around the clinic, watching how it's run, watching sick people go in but sometimes never come back out.

I'd go to school and observe other people's behaviour, I'd observe people cry when they do something wrong, how they acted in a relationship and I just kind of picked it up. Of course many of them I found stupid, I had and still have no way to relate. Why do people cry and feel such pain and loss when someone dies? Why do people feel the need to apologise profusely when something goes wrong? When things go wrong it's barely ever my fault because I'm perfect, I'm perfection but no one can see it yet. People always shook their heads at me when I said this but I don't care, what do they know? Even back then I knew it takes perfection to even begin to comprehend perfection. They can keep their 'empathy' and their 'sympathy' and their genuine tears. I'll keep my cold, hard looks and my fake tears.

I used these skills to my advantage; people are held back by these 'human' emotions but I'm not. I still use these skills to my advantage. Just another game in the end.Just another factor to my sweet perfection. I quickly found I love the feeling of control and power I get over people as I make them dance around with my words and acting They get closer and closer to me, closer and closer until my puppet strings have ensnared them. I love the feeling of the fact I can make or break them. I will always, always choose break. Eventually they become insignificant and I get what I want them them. The game of puppets I play with them becomes a waste and I guess it's time to move onto the next person. This is why I don't consider myself to truly have ever been in a relationship with another person. There's no feeling: no love or like. They're dancing on strings to satisfy my desires.

They'll think they're friends with me, they'll think I'm that friend who will help them through their hard times. They're just another puppet, a robot, something to supply whatever I want.

They'll think I love them, they think I'll be there for them, they think I'll be there to help them their troubled times, they we'll be together forever because we're 'soul mates'. All the while I'm slowly taking what I need, they don't realize that I'm just satisfying my own needs and desires.

When I'm finished my victims usually get hurt, sometimes their family and other friends are caught up in the process or the aftermath simply for getting in the way. But I don't hear their pain or cries at all.

Of course it doesn't always work, people are different and not even I can use masks to accommodate for everyone. That's why I've had a few failures, sometimes the charm doesn't work, sometimes they realise what's going on and stay away. Sometimes they just know to stay away. Anything can happen in my game of puppet mastery. That's why I sometimes have to back away. People are different after all but those failures.

Some people may say what I'm doing is wrong; maybe so but I really couldn't care less. I guess in that way I'm selfish.

When I turned eighteen I volunteered to help out at the clinic, handle medical equipment, help bandage up wounds and I'm quite good at it. It turns out I perform well under pressure because I'm usually so calm and composed under normal circumstances that under pressure it's no different. I honestly enjoy it, it gets the brain running, my blood flowing, it fulfils my constant need for stimulation... Who knows, maybe one day I could run the clinic myself when dad gets too old. That'd be nice, it would be a perfectly run clinic because it would be run by a perfect person. Everything would be spotless, all the equipment would be sterilised and ready for use. I'd do my best to make sure no patients die needlessly.

Ohhhhhh, that's a great thought...

The perfect clinic - all run by me....

"It'll just be another part of my game..."

This is all a game to me. I'm a puppet master, an actor; I don't perform for others, I perform for my own entertainment after years and years of learning and practise. And in the end, the world is my stage.

Narrative
"Speech"
Thoughts