wrath and ruin {scissor sisters vs children of sorrow}

During the darkest moments of the storm, I find hope in knowing I'll soon reunite with Esme and Bailey. It keeps me calm, and yet right now I'm far from calm. Never in my entire life have I experienced anything like this.

Walls have been built up around me from the moment I watched Esme depart from district ten never to return. I'll never forget the pain of watching the spear pierce her delicate eye. It was such a nightmare, and for years I relived it over and over because of the torture the peacekeepers threw at me. They strapped me to chairs forcing me to watch her die over and over again as they taunted me telling me she hated me for the horrible things that I had done.

I wouldn't blame her if she did.

They reduced me to a shell locked away somewhere in the depths of my mind before releasing me back home where very few people cared. So much time had gone by, and yet I'm still standing here trying my best to stay alive. Every movement aches, and I thought I was free.

Except they took Bailey away from me too.

I was home when she died. Home when her body fell and the cannon echoed through the sky. Ma watched me closely afraid I would ruin the family name once more. If only she realized I'm not the one who ruined it. I'm not the two who died in the hunger games, but here I am now facing the ultimate price for the mistakes I've made.

A heavy sigh leaves my chest as I listen to these people talking to one another. I'm simply a failure trapped within a scrawny body, and I'm proving it every second. These careers could stomp all over me, but for whatever reason they're leaving me alone. They're going after the strongest man. I can't help but wonder if they think we'll fall with him.

My eyes lock on the tiny star sitting in the palm of my hand. Stars once had such a wonderful meaning. Something I used to hold onto. I prayed to them every night before going to bed begging for my family to somehow return alive. All I ever wanted was to wake up from a nightmare, yet every time my eyes open reality is standing before my just like it is now. Life has knocked me down so many times, and in this moment it's impossible to stand. A never ending storm surrounds me, and right now I'm surprised a higher being hasn't struck me down for every little mistake that I've made. I'm trying so hard to fight to keep these people alive, but I'm only failing.

I'm just a burden, and yet they're somehow keeping me alive.

I look back and forth wondering what the next move is. I'm just a coward tempting to run away.

All my mistakes are flooding back, and I can't even breathe.

Of all the people to come face to face with in the arena, these are the ones I wanted to stay away from. But here I am hoping to keep myself and those protecting me alive. I have so much to prove along with so many promises to keep. My legs are shaking, and I feel like I'm going to fall over despite hiding in the distance. My heart leaps into the back of my throat as I take aim with another star.

I promised Penelope I would try, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Moments like these are supposed to make me stronger. Ma wanted me to learn from my past mistakes so I could move on and become a better man. But time and time again I pushed her away because she never knew what she was talking about.

If I could see her now, I would apologize for all the wrongs. I would work hard to make everything better. I would let her know how much I appreciate her hard work despite everything I've put her through.

She asked me to be brave when she came to say goodbye. I promised her I would, but right now it's a promise I'm breaking. My entire body's quivering as people get closer and closer to death. My heart is still racing like one of the horses galloping through the district. My lungs are begging me to slow down so they can catch a breath of fresh air. I swear I'm going to urinate all over myself since I'm barely holding it in. My knees are shaking beneath the weight of my body. I've only ever saw people die through the big screen back home, but right now I'm living it up close and personal. I don't know how Esme or Bailey did it. They're so much stronger than me, and I'm trying to give them a reason to smile when all hope is gone.

It's never gone as long as you're still breathing.

But I look at everyone fighting wondering how anyone is still alive when a bunch of careers are standing side by side. Rhaegar is so cocky and confident, and I don't know what he's trying to do other than get himself killed. Maybe that's what he wants though.

I still want to run away while I have a chance before they turn on me. I'm nothing more than a coward from district ten.

Yet I'm trying to remain strong. I'm trying to pull myself together because I'm not entirely sure that I want to die. I want to fight. To keep the promises I've made. Penelope asked me to try, and I'm going to do the best I can. I want to get to know her on a personal level.

Words are still reaching my ears, and I don't even care what's being said. It doesn't matter to me anyway. Nothing will prevent them from killing me the moment they get the chance. I ran from the bloodbath because I'm a coward and I wanted to stay alive -

Why don't I run away from this?

So many times I ran away and screwed up my life. I was given a second chance, and I don't want to waste it, but I can't live it here. I can't become the man I want to be with death lingering before me, and the shadows clawing at my feet. My eyes focus on the ground as I twirl another knife in my hand. Every shot has been getting better, but I don't want to kill anyone. I don't want to end a life because it's not my place to condemn innocent teens to death.

But I don't think I have a choice.

I take a breath forcing as much air into my lungs as humanly possible.

I have to fight because it's only right. These three I'm standing near haven't killed me yet, and the only thing I can do is try to keep them alive.

And then she falls, and my stomach is rolling. I don't even know what happened, but her cannon sound, and another fires shortly after. My heart plummets as I lower my gaze along with the knife setting loosely in the palm of my hand. Beads of sweat roll down the side of my face dripping from the tip of my nose;

I've killed many animals in my life working on a farm. I've slaughtered them without mercy for food. I thought watching a person die would feel the same, but man am I wrong. Every ounce of color leaves my face as I turn to run away. I'm done fighting. Done trying to kill.

I'm just a coward.

I turn back looking at the bloody mess trying to hold the acidic substance within my stomach, yet it's creeping up my throat until I can't hold it back anymore. It all happens so fast. I'm leaning over as the harsh liquid pours from my mouth. It exits my nose and even runs down the side of my face.

My nose is on fire as a single tear swims down the side of my cold cheeks.

I have no business being here. No business being alive.

But for whatever reason I am, and I hope to keep it that way.