cerulean castaways | {second star; day two}

"The silence is so loud
The lights spark and flicker
With monsters much bigger
Than I can control now"

I am no phoenix —
and I am no songbird.

Flames still burn and ice still cuts; I am not immune to pain. But I am a magician, trained in the vanishing act and in the arts of illusion. When I stand, pressure rising and my bone fracturing, I exhale just enough to hide the sound of my whimper. And when Wynter looks at me, matching the fury of my expression, I know how to shut off my anger. To appear indifferent and unfazed. Because girls like her only want a reaction, a way of feeling validated. To hear that it's okay for them to be hurting, for them to hurt others. Letting themselves drown in shallow waters. I should know.

But that memory's in the past — in the minutes that have left me behind and in the sand that has slipped through my fingers. I'm more than I was back then. I always will be, with each new day and each new night. Always learning and improving and adapting. The sun and the moon are at war within me. Eclipse; but I'm too earthen. Too much of a stone. I'm still on my feet, though. My weapon's by my side. I'm not drowning, even with the sea calling my name. I never listen to what I'm told, I run until I can't breathe, but that's what keeps me alive. I'm too stubborn to die.

( Too afraid to let go;
too brave to keep holding on. )

What does it matter? I've already accepted my death, I've dug a grave on my favorite hill and I've picked the perfect dress. It's not the dying that scares me, it's the time. The hour and the reason and the why. Let me go when I'm older and wiser, when I'm happier and stronger and all the terrors have set me free. When all I hear is the wind and all I feel is the warmth of my house, when I'm fed and safe and loved. When I'm not myself. "We can protect you, Wynter." I watch her bleed and do nothing to help. "We can be an alliance, but we'll never be your hostages. You can't take all of us."

My eyes look to Mackenzie, to Ike; to the trust that we've built between us and the bond of our friendship. The mutual will to survive. And I hold grudges, I am not gentle and forgiving and someone to take advantage of, but I know when some battles aren't worth being fought. When some cruel actions are just cries for help, when I have the choice of being the bigger person. "We're not threatening you. Don't you see?" I glance at Mackenzie, watching as his spear goes straight through a beast's stomach and as its body crashes to the floor. "We can handle ourselves. We're gonna make it out."

Glaive in my hand, determination behind my gaze and thunder roaring with every step I take. Not a storm, but not a clear sky. Just a kid with too much to lose, too much to prove and so few hours to work with. "You don't have to be alone. We can do this together." And I'm ancient in this moment, so much older and too knowledgeable for my own good. As if I understand what I'm saying. "Cut the crap. All the bravado and all the lies. You can stay with us." I walk forward, readying myself and lifting my blade. I want this to be over. "But I swear, if you ever hold a knife to my throat again—"

"I'll take you down with me.
Like a true ally, huh?"

---

song: panic room - au/ra
table: dars

what if i'm made of stone?
feeling is not a system
nervous i'm caught in a hold
hoping i'm over thinking
i should be feeling more

She talks with sense and logic - and kindness.

They're foreign things. My world is angry. Angry words spitting out my mouth and spat into my ears - everybody always snarled at me so I bit back. Faline doesn't snarl, or bite - she's reasonable, and fair, and even in the state I'm in her voice is clear. Calming.

I used to think the sounds our throats made were violent, harmful sounds but maybe I just wasn't listening. I want to listen, though. Maybe I'm foolish for looking up at her and believing her lies, maybe I'm an idiot for trusting a kid who's just trying to get back home, but when she extends her hand toward me and offers me sanction I want to believe her words are true.

Hesitantly, I nod, coughing up blood in the process.

"Okay" I croak, words quivering underneath the weight of the pain from my wounds. "Okay. Deal."

I take her hand and she lifts me up, tiny girl with more strength than I could ever hope for.

"Let's kill these fuckers" I seethe, no longer alone. Maybe just for a while - but I'll stay, anyway. I can be an ally. I can be loyal. Selflessness. They're easy to pick up.

Trust, though, I'll have to learn along the way.

built out of memory

built out of scenes

structures of whispers

pass through our veins

laid out on screens

song: link

"my regrets are a shade
around my neck, I know
it's torturous how
some burdens are I can't let go"

filler to keep this going <3

-grabs faline and helps her out, probably calls for the others to follow and doesn't realize they aren't coming bc he has a person in his arms and whatnot

royal blue, here I fall
i'm digging up for the gold
spilled on the floor
there's no solid ground

song: royal blue

"The future can't
be real, I
barely know how
long a moment is"

Filler.

song: link