holes in the heart [thad day 4]

I said it earlier, and I'll say it again now: no one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. [1] When I saw Evan fall, I was scared. Now that he and Six are both gone, I'm terrified. That fear doesn't just come from being alone, though. It comes from the fact that they're gone. It might not sound like there's much of a difference between those two scenarios, but to me, there is.

When you've got people you care about by your side, losing them leaves you lonely, but in a different way. If you'd always been alone, you might learn to enjoy it. If you're used to the comfort of friends, loneliness has a harder sting.

That's exactly what it feels like, too: a sting. Or, perhaps it feels more like being stabbed. Like being stabbed, (which I have recently experienced, unfortunately) it takes a long time to heal, and it hurts for what feels like ages. It burns. It stings. It makes you want to scream and cry.

Even though Evan had literally been stabbed in the heart (and Six in the neck), and I hadn't, it felt like I had, emotionally. It felt like something was trying to rip my insides out. Something was killing me slowly, at least in a figurative sense. It's quite possible I was literally dying right this second, too. I suppose you never know what the Gamemakers have planned for you.

I ran so fast away from the fight when Six fell, that I swear I made it out of there before his cannon even had the chance to sound. I knew he was dead, though. I didn't need the cannon to tell me that. I could feel it in my heart, and I could see it with my eyes.

Evan and Six were both gone, and here I was, alone. If I wanted to survive, I was going to be fending for myself. I wasn't sure how ready I was for that, but it didn't matter. I didn't really have a choice. If I wanted to make it home alive, I'd have to keep fighting.

When I finally got somewhere that I hoped was safe enough for the time being, I collapsed to the ground, continuing to sob as I had been since my first friend who died in this arena had their life ripped from them.

I wanted to apologize to them for now being able to keep them safe, but I couldn't. It was too late.

I knew Evan probably would've made fun of me for trying to apologize to his and Six's families for their deaths, but it seemed like the right thing to do. So, that's exactly what I did. I started with Evan's. I didn't know much of anything about his family or Six's, but I would try my best to make the apology sound as sincere as I wanted it to.

"I just wanted to say," I started aloud. "Evan's family- I don't know much about you guys, but I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't protect Evan the way I should have. He should still be standing here, alive, but he's not, and I'm so, so sorry."

I didn't really know what else to say, but I knew I had to say something to Six's family, too. The O'Malleys.

"And Six's family," I said, voice shaking, "I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect Six, either. I really tried. I really, really did. He deserved so much better than to die when I could've stopped it. I'm so sorry. I wish I could change what happened."

My tears still hadn't stopped, but they were starting to slow down as I got my apologies out. They didn't really make me feel any better, but that wasn't the point. I wanted to apologize for Evan, for Six, and for their families. It wasn't for me.

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[1] original quote by C.S. Lewis