surge spark. three fin

I don't belong here. I don't belong the name Surge, I shouldn't have Spark as my last name. District Three is where the geniuses stay. The brainiacs, the tech-savvy. The ones that can make screens light up from the age of seven. There are people in this district that are satisfied with the fact that all we're good for is connecting wires to other wires. Where they find joy in the flickering of a lightbulb and the hum of currents in a room. Where the hues of blue and endless amount of eye doctor appointments don't matter to them. There's people who think that our District is the most important one to society. I have family members who gave their entire life to this shit, and would give a second one, too.

I am not one of those people, and I am not a part of that family. I'm no goddamn electrician. I'm no Spark. I hardly even let people know I'm a part of the family. They just feel bad because I've got people that died on national television. The ones that we made. Fuck off.

Don't mistake it for some internal imposter syndrome, either. When I tell you I don't belong, I do not belong. When people ask me what my name is I tell them it's Stephen. And if they ask if I've got any relation to the Spark's, I simply move the conversation on. "I love your shoes! Your eyes are so pretty!" There's no reason for me to entertain the idea. It makes me accept the fact that I share their blood, the blood of some electronically obsessed weirdos who can't kill for shit. It's embarrassing. I can't imagine wanting to be a part of the family of dead, loser-ass kids and alive, loser-ass adults. Our ginger hair is hard to mistake, though. The dusting of red makes it easy to see the relativity to the family. I just hope that they think I'm distant.

Though, if I don't belong in three, where do I belong? It brings up a very important question to a lot of the people that I expressed this sense of being misplaced to. I don't know where I belong. That's also the issue. I've spent so much time grumbling over being stuck here that I don't know where my place is anywhere in the world. I'm nobody special. I can't herd animals like ten, I can't keep a plant alive to save my life. I can hardly focus long enough for anything. The best thing I can compare myself to is the anti to Midas. Where everything he touches turns to gold, everything I touch rots. My mind, the district, the wires on the table when I was eight years old and they were first introducing us to circuits. Ever since that first day, where everyone lit circuits like they could do it deaf, blind, armless and brainless, I knew I couldn't do it. Couldn't do this. But I don't know what I could do. I never have. And I never will.

Because I don't belong. Anywhere.

My pronouns don't even match what I'm supposed to be. That's where I do like my name. The real one - Surge - because it doesn't have a specific identity linked to it. But I picked Stephen because it was masculine enough and real enough to where I didn't get reminded that my name isn't special for anything. I remember when I used to go by Surge, I would get asked if my talents went with my name. It was the first thing that made me change. Stephen was good. It wasn't implying that I was an electric wizard. Anyway, back to identity. I like Surge in the essence it has no gender identity. I liked Stephen because it had no district identity, no assigned destiny. I liked having no assignment. Nothing to complete.

Because I'm not worth assigning a purpose.