sun bleached flies // U v. LL (day 6)
Jul 31, 2023 12:21:38 GMT -5
Post by Azalea on Jul 31, 2023 12:21:38 GMT -5
The board and all of its pieces stand in silence. Swallowed by the thick air and the danger it holds, my body begins to feel wooden; plagued with the understanding that I could potentially end up as just another part in someone else's story. I don't want that to happen, though - in fact, I'd rather kill than let that happen. That is why I'm here: desperate for revenge because it's the only thing I know how to do well.♛
All I need is this chance. I'm not going to beg for my own forgiveness despite my selfishness because whatever happens after life does not matter to me. There's too much for me to accomplish here, in the now, at home. There's so many words I've yet to say and so many wounds I've yet to inflict. I am a thousand stars hanging overhead in the night, threatening with each shine to cascade across the sky and land in your heart. On fire, with no sign of burning out - this is how the world wants me to be, it's what they need from me, and so, I'll be it.
"The difference between hurt and spite is that with spite, it doesn't seem like they took the time to try. All we've got going for us is the willpower to push on." Ulysses says, their sword raised into the air to deal another blow to my scarlet body. "You might have to settle for something other than going back home. From personal experience, never saying goodbye hurts nothing else."
Ulysses doesn't understand that there is no second option for me. I had died by my own doing back in Five and lived a second life with M word, carefree and wild, young and in charge for the very first time. I want to feel that again without the emotional ties of family - chosen or otherwise. I want to be truly free for the sake of my own pleasure, because why would I need to apologise for anything when the world would fall at my feet for something as simple as a smile?
Maybe I am just sick, and maybe that's where this problem all began. Maybe I should've taken M word not coming to say goodbye as a sign that everything would be downhill from there. And when that tear rolled down my cheek, I should've been more afraid than ever because that was a thousand times more painful than any death I had died before. But I don't think I am, and I don't think I was wrong to do what I have done - I don't want someone else to tell me that settling for something other than what I've always wanted is okay to do. It's not okay to do, it's not what I set out to achieve. I don't want to be held hostage by someone's mind and be nothing more than a ghost.
I want to feel the best whilst doing the worst. Unapologetic like a brute who has a force that cannot be tamed, I want to revel in the power that the spotlight provides. Aflame for the sake of attention, burning until my wooden body becomes stone.
"That just isn't what I came here to do. I told you, I'm complicated, and in my head, I've been trying to map this out for weeks." I think of how the silence used to consume me in a different way, in a way that did invoke a sense of fear because it meant that something terrible was coming. I don't think something terrible ever actually came, I think it was just me. "I might have to settle. Settle." I scoff, looking at the bloody ground. "I'm sorry, Ulysses, but I can't do that. I can't and I won't."
The chess board we play on feels smaller. The walls are closing in and our pieces are tumbling away. Ulysses plays checkers and I play chess. Ulysses likes the way the pieces fit and feel in their hands, but I like the way only one of those games has a queen.
My mission has always been simple: to win, but it has never felt more fleeting than this. Everything depends on making the right move, on taking away the pieces of Ulysses that matter so that I can keep playing.
"I've got more than willpower. Maybe you're right about never saying goodbye hurting, maybe that'll hurt him without me needing to, but oh my god, to rub salt in the wounds and feel that rush..."
I inhale sharply, closing my eyes. For a second, it feels like I can taste retribution.
"No... no," I think it over in my head and deny myself premature pleasure. "To settle would be to surrender. There's no pride in that."
[ lillybird attacks ulysses ; lily-hilted sword ]
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[ 1009 -- Severed Right Ear -- 8.0 damage +1 blades ]
sword