letters to h o m e [Sunny]
Feb 13, 2013 13:49:42 GMT -5
Post by semper on Feb 13, 2013 13:49:42 GMT -5
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Tiberius—You’re right, you don’t tell lies, and that’s why I believe you – but I don’t believe in myself. I don’t think I’m brave. I don’t recall anytime that I’ve ever done anything when I was too scared to (that’s what bravery is, right? Doing something even if you’re scared to?). But maybe I was meant to not die either of those times I tried to kill myself. I often have thought that the reason I’m still here is because I still have a purpose – or at least that’s what I like to think since I don’t want to feel like I’m just a walking sack of bones that takes up space and air. Maybe there’s still a purpose for me, maybe I’ll find that reason, but what I know for sure is that I’m glad you’re my best friend.
I never really had friends at the steel factory; sure, I had the people I talked to to make the day go by a little faster, but as soon as the shift bell rang they were off in quite a hurry without so much as even a farewell. I thought nothing of it since I was working too many hours and never really spoke to anyone anyway, but soon after Klaus won the games and I didn’t have to work anymore, I quickly found out how alone I was. As you can imagine, some of the acts I did in desperate attempts to feel less isolated hollowed me out. I tried to fill that void with anything I could get my hands on and it so happened to be drugs.
Maybe it was fate, maybe it was predestination, I’ll never know. But buying those drugs led me to you and you filled that void better than any pill or smoked leaf could. I felt…. whole, and I still do. It used to be that I’d struggle to find a reason to even get out of bed every morning but now I have one, Tiberius. You’re my reason. It may sound corny but it’s true and there’s really no other way to put it. You’ve seen it yourself: I’ve started smiling more, laughing a little louder, enjoying life a good deal more than I used to, and all because you shoved that leaf down my throat and refused to let me die that day. I don’t know, I think I’m starting to sound rather sappy.
It’s been a whole year and every now and then I still find myself rubbing the bullet scar and thinking: what if it hit my heart? What if I had died? I wouldn’t be here to write this – I wouldn’t be here to find out that you love me and I wouldn’t be here to tell you that I love you back. I came so close to not being able to be with you that when I realize what could have been it damn near brings me to tears. I wouldn’t have you or this chance to just completely start over and I have only you to thank for being my saving grace.
I don’t think badly of you at all for anything you’ve ever said to me. Suicide is cowardly and I’m a coward the majority of the time, but the reason I’m stronger is because you never gave up on me. You didn’t just leave me to perish in the alley and you didn’t let my anger get the best of me when I was in the hospital. How can I think anything bad about you when everything you’ve ever done for me is nothing but good? If anything I’d think you’re too good for me. I mean, I’ve put you through so much unintentionally and I feel so bad, so rotten for doing that to you but you’re still here. You haven’t abandoned me like I felt the rest of the world had done some time ago and all I know to say is thank you. I’m not good at words, you know that, so thank you, Tiberius. Thank you for giving me a chance, and then even a second chance. I promise that I won’t put you through the wringer again and I severely regret having done that the few times I did. If I could take it back then I would in a heartbeat, please believe me on that. I never meant to hurt you and I’m so sorry. It physically hurts me to know that I hurt you by going off and doing stupid things that could very well have jeopardized my relationship with you. Then where would I be if I ever lost you? I’d still be the poor wretch who dragged his sickly self to a dingy alley in search of more potent drugs every day.
I do trust you, Tiberius. There’s no one in the world right now that I’d believe more than you. Hell, I’d sooner trust your word than my own brothers’. I’ve heard it said that friends may come and go but in the end you’ll only be left with your family; it terrifies me to feel like my own blood kin would turn their backs to me should something happen, but after what you’ve just said I know you won’t. You won’t abandon me and I won’t ever leave you. When I’m with you, I forget about all those grave mistakes I’ve made and I breathe easier knowing that you’ve forgiven me for them. Frankly I think that you’re the only person who has forgiven me (I still haven’t been able to forgive myself). Jamar and Seph probably won’t ever let my actions go and Klaus probably won’t either, so I need to get away from them. I need to distance myself from them anyway because I want to focus only on you and how you make me feel grounded, safe, and like I actually mean something to someone. I like the way you fill that hollow shell of what I used to be; you put warmth inside of me that keeps me going when you’re not here. I get the feeling that the wait will always be worth it with you because I trust you and I know you won’t leave me.
You’re my family now – my rock, my haven, my home – and I love you.Hopper
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