the heaviest crown.— [abel/avriel | blitz]

Hungry.

The food in the dining hall is good but since last year I've had better. Sometimes I dream about that burger in Six with Flynn. That place was called... Dale's or something, whatever, I was cold that day but the burger was good. I step on the elevator and mash the button for the first floor, usually Scout likes to push the button but I left Scout in the room. Damn, I should have called Flynn and told him to bring me one of those double decker bacon ones. Except nah because it woulda just got cold on the ri-

"Names Abel O'Malley... from Eleven."

Shit, there's another person on the elevator, when did that happen? I don't think we stopped so was he already on here when I got on? I didn't notice, I was thinking about that burger. Does the dining hall have burgers? It's hard to remember, last year I don't think I was that hungry, no, last year I was sad, am I sad this year? I do-

"I'm going to jump to the point. Last year, did you ever meet Six?"

Abel O'Malley, Abel O'Malley, Abel O'Malley, Six.

"Don't run from the hit, take it," I whisper under my breath. It's the advice I'd given him at the self-defence station in the training centre. I'd never seen him again after that because Julian killed him. I watched his spear go through his neck in the highlights reel.

"Yeah, I met him," I say louder this time. "I'm sorry, he..." didn't stand a chance, not against Julian. I'm lucky I never had to face him, he probably would have killed me too. I dream about that sometimes, about meeting the lion boy one last time. The sun would have shone for him I bet, a halo behind his head.

I would have been laying in the sand, sightless.

"Sorry he never made it out, must have been hard."

Tired.

I let the kid rant though. Sometimes people just need to get things out of their system and I've had enough anger pointed at me by now that it barely sticks anymore. It doesn't matter if I never even touched their kids, I'm still the one to blame. I'm still the liar because I smile when a breeze touches my cheek- because I smile that I'm alive.

They can call me a liar all they want though, I know what I mean when I say something and that's enough for me.

Besides, it's kind of nice to stick a label on how I could be standing here alive but still feel like shit.

So I let him blame me because maybe that'll make him feel better and stare at my mirror image in the wall of the elevator. My face is doing that thing again, where it does nothing. I barely even look like I'm listening, but I am. I hear every word. I'm disrespectful and alive when I shouldn't be according to the family of twenty-three others, well except Mrs. Morgenstern.

She just smiled when I told her Mauve was dead.

Fair enough. Kind of funny, I smile a bit. Shit, now it looks like I'm smirking at Abel. I check the reflection for his reaction but I don't think he's noticed, but then my smile isn't that noticeable.

I'm not a very happy person.

I don't think anyone's noticed that. It's just my secret.

"Didn't know him well," I answer only the last bit of what he's said. I don't have to prove myself to Abel, "I met him here and then I never saw him again. You'll have people like that too."

I've been watching this year's group all week but they don't seem real. Twenty-three of them are going to be dead in a week and I guess that's why all of this works. Everyone who works in here just looks right through you because in here that's what you are, a ghost. You're only an instant.

"It isn't like what you think it is in there, the cameras don't show it how it really is," I tell him. The elevator stops and I step off, the smells from the dining hall wafting in. Shit I'm so hungry.

"Gonna come eat?" I ask as I step off.

Impatient.

I start walking down the hall away from Abel and the elevator. I think I smell rosemary and I sort of remember that dish from last year. It's all kind of a blur now, the days leading up to the Bloodbath. People keep telling me that's normal, that sometimes the brain stows away what it can't handle, but I know that's not true. If it were, the nightmares that wake me up almost nightly wouldn't be happening.

I think I'm just starting to erase things. That scares me.

I don't have an answer for Abel right away. His question kind of throws me off, it's not like I know what's going on in his head so how am I supposed to know if volunteering was the right thing for him to do or not? From where I'm standing it seems like a stupid choice.

But would the person I was a year ago have agreed? i don't think so. Maybe that person wouldn't have even cared, maybe that person would have understood.

A year ago, I was worse than I am now. Maybe a year ago if I wasn't reaped, I would have volunteered. So the question makes me pause. I turn my head towards the dining hall, half my brain still focused on the scent of rosemary and what I'm pretty sure is roast chicken.

"Doesn't matter what I think, O'Malley," I say after a moment, "It's too late now for you to think about that anyway, so why bother?"

I can't quite look at him. Eye contact has always been hard to navigate for me but it isn't even that with him, it's the way that I can see Six's eyes looking back at me when he stares at me.

He's impermanent.

How many more times am I going to go through this moment and when exactly am I going to stop trying like so many other victors have?

"Just keep your belly full and always do your best to stay warm," I say and then I lead him into the hall.