that's rough buddy /flynn + av

"Just go, Avriel."

He's saying that but I don't think he really wants to be alone, so I don't move. It's just easier to sit there sad as hell, blaming yourself. It feels good to direct all that hopelessness, all that hatred at something and directing it inwards feels like a victimless crime.

But it's not, I should know, it's not. I never want anyone to feel the way that I do every day and if I can help Flynn at all with this, I will. So I sit there, being a stubborn asshole and I wait for Flynn to speak.

Scout finally makes it over with the candy so I rip the bag open and place it down between us. A burger from Dale's would probably be far more comforting, but this is all I've got here. Scout's happy about it anyway, it holds a neon worm above it's head proudly for a moment like a hunting trophy.

Flynn is doing just what I thought he would, blaming himself for Aurora's choices and it's funny how hypocritical I am. I see these patterns in Flynn but I refuse to recognize them in myself. It pisses me off, I want to reach out and shake him, wake him up.

And I never thought I'd have this, a kid like Flynn who knows better than me, who should be mentoring me, but we're on equal footing. It's kind of like how things were with Areto, we both knew she was better than me but in the end, that never mattered, we were friends.

Is Flynn my friend? I don't really know. We met one time for burgers and I decided that he was all on my own. Thing is, I don't really want friends but I guess I do need them.

I want to comfort him, but I don't know Flynn well enough yet to know what he likes to hear when he's sad. I stare across the hall at him, waiting for some sort of signal as to what to say but there isn't one.

"You really that full of yourself?" I ask. I watch him, trying to gauge his reaction to see if I've gotten comforting right. Probably not, "The world doesn't revolve around you Flynn, Aurora had her reasons. Maybe you were one, but I bet not all of them."

I push the bag of gummy worms closer with one foot. Whatever, I'm shit at this anyway. Flynn is probably going to punch me for the way I'm talking to him but I just wish I had someone who'd do this for me. I usually get the opposite.

People love reminding me of what I've done.

Flynn's crying and I feel a prickle in the back of my own eyes. I hate seeing him like this.

"Aurora was strong, it was just bad luck," I say, "Besides, wouldn't she be pissed if she knew you were talking like this?"

I'm pretty shit at this kind of thing.

Billie said sometimes it helps to think about how I'd feel in a particular situation to help me understand the other person but that isn't working here. Flynn's isn't me, he doesn't react like me. That's all expected but still frustrating. I don't know him all that well, I just know he's different than so many of the other victors.

He's a kid and he has hope, the rest of us don't.

I'm fucked in the head because when Zane and Aneesa's names got called, I only felt acceptance. I don't watch Zane and Aneesa and chew my lip raw, wondering. Yeah, I'm worried I guess, but it's not that deep. They've been impermanent to me since the reaping.

I guess that makes me a freak.

I push that thought away and lean my forehead against the window. The plaza in front of the training centre is crawling with people, all celebrating the start of the games. To them, this week is just one giant party. If there's anyone to blame, it's them.

Complacency is just as bad, right?

Flynn tries to make eye contact with me and I want to help him, I swear, but I drop my gaze away from his. There's a nervousness in that I've never quite figured out. Sometimes I stare too steady, other times I can't look at all, it depends on how I'm feeling and right now? Not so good.

I can take venom, people like to lay it on thick for me. It's knowing I've done something wrong that gets me. I can tell by Flynn's tone that my approach didn't work, but in Nine, tough love always works.

Flynn has a lot to say and some of it's shit I've heard once or twice already. 'You don't know how this feels.' That's been at the top of the list all year, victors telling me I've got shit coming my way and I don't know anything.

And I don't tell them my parents have been missing two years now except I know where their bodies are buried. I don't tell them about the dark and the fire and Areto's hands on mine, pushing the blade slowly into her stomach. Those are my things I carry, but I don't tell Flynn he doesn't know how they feel. I'm resigned to the fact that no one else ever will, kind of grateful for that too.

What am I doing here?

I shut my eyes for a brief second, my heart is racing, even though I'm sitting still. I can hear it beating in my head. I was nervous this morning about being on stage but this is worse somehow. I should leave, my brain is telling me it's time to escape but my heart, uselessly too kind, keeps me rooted to the spot.

"I dunno," I finally say into the silence that came after Flynn's talking, "I'm shit at these kinds of things in case you didn't notice, I just didn't think you should be alone."

Maybe it's too simple but that's only because it's pretty honest. I bite the head off of a gummy worm and turn my gaze away again. The kid's crying and I don't want him to feel too... looked at I guess. I don't like being seen, I assume he doesn't either.

"Y'know, I didn't win the games with my charm, Flynn," I say, "I'm sorry I made you feel worse."

I do mean that, even if it's come out rough sounding. I'm from Nine, after all. We don't do soft shit. I let that be my excuse. "I can go if you want," I say, "But you can yell at me more first if it helps."

Flynn and I are different, the contrast is stark. It's not just his age, or the way we played the games, it's the way that he looks at things.

And feels them.

I keep my gaze focused down on the street as he speaks, at the vehicles going about their business and the party happening below. I like how life goes on, how it doesn't matter that we're hundreds of feet above, staring down at the capitulates walking around like little ants.

Except I guess we're the ones in the ant farm.

I don't know if Flynn sees that. It doesn't really matter what happens to us because the people down below love to see how we'll react. We're supposed to be in pain, actually the more pain they inflict on us, the more entertaining it is for them. Panem's just some asshole kid with a magnifying glass, burning us alive.

And I'm vaguely jealous, I wish I still believed that things could go well for us but I've touched fire too many times. It's always going to hurt. Now I know not to get burned anymore, I'm too scared to still be open like that. Coward, I called myself coward first.

"fuck the capitol," Flynn says.

I finally look at him but it's his turn to stare out the window. The lights from the party reflect on his face, deepening the furrows in his brow. In the odd lighting, he appears to be older than he is. I wonder how many years will pass like this, him and I, pressed up against the glass, hidden in plain site like animals.

"If Scout likes you, it'll come find you later," I tell Flynn. Lately Scout seems to have its own agenda and I don't pretend to control the kodama, "It goes where it pleases." I don't tell Flynn that it seems to be drawn to pain. The amount of times I've woken up with it standing on my chest, staring down at me with those hollow eyes, inner-light pulsating slowly in the grey before the dawn.

"The way I see it," I start slowly, "You shouldn't place your love into something as fragile as a tribute." I've never been all that good at caring about people I don't know in the first place so I don't care much. Still, I know how that makes me sound. I focus on one of the gummy worms and pull strips of sugared candy off it's body rather than look at Flynn. "Sure, do your best, but if you're gonna care that much about a dead-man-walking like that, it's your fault when it backfires."

I pass the torn up pieces to Scout, who drops them into his gaping wound of a mouth.

"Better off being lonely than caring about someone you're gonna lose."