step outside [Lola/Carter]

"In a while now
I will feel better
I'll face the weather before me"

I'd tried to be better for years now. Jayne died eight years ago. I needed to move on, and, to be totally honest, I was starting to. I'd delved into some new hobbies: art and photography for the most part. I took a lot of pictures of nature and animals. I even took pictures of people when they were so inclined to model for me. Saving up for the camera I have now took quite a few years, but it's nice to have. It takes pretty high quality pictures for a camera in the lower districts, especially District Twelve.

I also spend a lot of time painting the scenes I imagine in my head. I'll dream of something, write it down, and paint it later. Sometimes it's a beautiful image, and other times they can be quite frightening. Nevertheless, I like to paint what I dream of. Sometimes, when I dream of people in my life, I'll give them the paintings I make based on those dreams. I dreamt of Carter the other night, for some reason, so I made a painting based on the dream that I intend to give to him the next time I see him.

Carter and I hadn't been on good terms in a while, unfortunately. Not since I freaked out on Nico Throne after the Eighty-First Games, at least, and that's been about eight years now. I really hoped I could change that, though. I wanted to apologize to him and make up for it. I'd become a changed person, and I wanted to prove that. Although, proving it to other people wasn't exactly my goal. I wanted to prove it to myself more than anything.

My life really had started to move forward. I was living with my fiancée, who was just the sweetest person you'd ever meet. She would often come home with a bouquet of flowers for me, just because she loved me. She's always been the most thoughtful person, and I wished I could be better for her. That's part of why I wanted to change, but not too much. I wanted to change enough to be better for her, and for myself, but I didn't want to turn into some unrecognizable person.

I still wanted to be me, after all.

-----

The painting I made for Carter was something I was really proud of. Surprisingly, it was based on a more positive dream. Dreams I'd had in the past that involved Carter always seemed to have him mad at me. They were never pleasant before this one. This time, he was actually rather kind and cheerful. He didn't seem hateful or angry in the least. That was the dream that I hoped would be closest to reality the next time I saw him.

In the dream, I could remember the sky being full of the beautiful hues of a sunset. Purples, pinks, orange and yellow— stunning. He was just sitting there on a bench in my dream, looking out at the sunset. I saw him from behind— a silhouette until I got closer. So, when I awoke, I painted it. It was early in the morning when I was painting. The sun had still yet to rise, but that wouldn't stop my creativity from flowing.

I swirled the colors in the sky, blending and melding them together to look just right. The bench and his silhouette seated upon it were painted as a view from behind, just like they were in my dream at first. It was like looking on the scene from a distance, but you could still see enough detail. The grass was in need of trimming, just tall enough to scratch at your ankles. There were a few daisies and other wildflowers scattered around in the grass near the bench.

It was crazy how vivid my dreams were, and how clearly I always remembered them. It was helpful for my art, but sometimes it was a downfall, too. When the dreams weren't so good, that is.

When I finished up the painting, I had to let it dry for a couple of days. My paintings often took a while to dry, so I kept them in my art room in our home. The cats weren't allowed in there, so it prevented the paintings from getting messed up while they were drying.

My fiancée and I foster cats while we try to find them homes, so there are usually five or six cats in our home at any given time, in addition to the one who's actually our own, named Ash. We named him after Jayne. Her last name was Ashbrook-Laws, so it worked nicely to pull his name from part of hers.

-----

A couple of days later, when the painting was dried, I decided that I needed to get it to Carter. I didn't always give the paintings I made to the people they were inspired by, but I felt like I should. I didn't really know if it was an extremely late apology gift, or if it was just something to show I was thinking of him, but I was leaning toward the latter. It might be too late to apologize, after all.

I kissed my fiancée as I left, telling her where I was going and that I'd be back later, but that I wasn't sure how long it would take me to find Carter. She told me to stay safe, and that she hoped all went well.

It was still a bit strange to me deep down, being engaged to a woman. It's not what I expected for myself. I'd figured out that I liked women just a couple years ago, and became infatuated with my now-fiancée shortly thereafter. Now, we're inseparable. I guess life just surprises you sometimes, and for that, I'm actually extremely grateful.

-----

I headed out the door and wandered for a while, realizing that I didn't even know where Carter lived at this point. So, I decided I'd search for someone who might know where I could find him. Eventually, I came across someone who I was pretty sure still associated with him, and decided to ask if they knew where he might be. They told me that I'd probably find him either near the Justice Building or at his garden, and told me where his garden was. Then, I thanked them and was on my way to find him.

I walked for a while to get to his garden. In all honesty, I probably should've taken a bus or something, given how many miles I probably walked. I likely looked a bit strange, too. I was carrying my purse and a somewhat large painting down the streets of Twelve, and people definitely did some double takes when they saw me.

I personally didn't think it was too strange, but I'd gotten looks like this before, and despite it happening so often and getting kind of used to it, I still noticed when it happened. People weren't just overlooking me like they probably did to almost everyone else.

-----

When I finally reached the garden where I was told Carter might be, I saw him. I kept my distance at first, waving before I said anything to try to get his attention.

"Hey Carter!" I said with my voice raised but not quite shouting. I still kept my distance a little bit, hoping that maybe he'd approach me first.

I prayed silently that he wasn't too displeased to see me.