visiting hours /nix+av

He tries to hate her.

Because it should make him feel better, right?

Hate the girl who killed Zane, the girl who made it out alive. Avriel lays there for a few hours, hands in the air above him, curling his fingers into fists and then releasing them again and again.

He can't fault her for wanting to live, it's the same reason why he's laying here. Part of him is so angry but that's more a curious thing than anything else. It's strange that he can still feel the heat of rage after being depleted of emotion for so long.

And he isn't certain that the anger is directed at Nixie anyway. No matter how he feels about things, Zane is dead and Nixie is alive. Maybe he's mad at Zane and Aneesa for dying, maybe at himself. He's always found it easiest to take the blame, it's better to disappoint himself than be disappointed by the people he loves.

With Nixie's win, the year of abundance in Nine will be over. No more extra rations, no more extra goods coming in on the train, things will go back to normal and people will stop thanking him in the streets. He has that to be thankful for at least.

It's a shitty silver lining.

Ten minutes later, he's on the elevator, Scout at his feet, headed to the medical ward where Nixie should still be. It's been a couple days since her win, he wanted to make sure he wasn't stepping on District Four's toes by going to see her. The last thing Avriel wants is to run into them.

He hasn't seen another person in a long time. Lysander was the last when he dropped her off on floor five a few nights ago. Since then, another phone was slipped under his door with a sticky note on it that read KEEP. ME. CHARGED.

He texted Lys a weird little face and then tossed it onto the couch and forgot about it.

When he reaches the ward, Scout goes running ahead of him. The nurse sitting at the desk outside hardly looks up as Avriel goes walking by. It's the same person from last year and like most who work in the training centre, they're most likely desensitized to Victors by now.

Avriel isn't yet. He stands outside Nixie's door awkwardly for a moment. It's hard for him to interact with strangers.

"She hasn't woken up from surgery yet," the orderly beside the door tells him.

He winces. Avriel hadn't meant to be first, it feels like just another infraction that the victorious from District Four can be mad at him for. It's too late to turn back now though. There's no one else here and Avriel doesn't want anyone else to have to wake up alone again, his tribute or not. He'll just be with her a few hours and if she isn't awake yet, he'll go.

He nods and slips inside, empty-handed.

Nixie is not so intimidating in a hospital bed with tubes attached to her and a heart-rate monitor beeping away. She appears smaller than she did on TV, a little less like a warrior in a hospital gown with a vase full of flowers on the bedside table. He forgot for a moment, like he always does, that 'Victor' is just a title.

A chair is placed to the left of her bed but Avriel ignores it for the wall. He leans against it, waiting quietly, he still can't help feeling like he's trespassing. Scout does it's own thing as always. The Kodama climbs up onto the bed by way of a bit of low hanging blanket and then sits itself down near Nixie's right hand.

For awhile, nothing changes. He tracks time by the skylight that keeps the room lit. The sun moves slowly across linoleum flooring, counting down. Avriel settles, thoughts so far away from the moment that he loses track of time for awhile. Then the heart monitor seems to speed up a little and Scout's light begins to pulsate in time as if the little mutt is keeping rhythm with Nixie's breathing.

He hasn't figured out what to say yet. What would he have wanted to hear upon waking up? It's hard to think of that now, a year later, when everything already feels so different from that time.

"Nixie," he says, tone gentle, because then there's a voice for her to follow. He gives her a moment to collect herself before speaking again. Time can be divided, he remembers, before the arena and after. This is the start of her after, a strange sort of rebirth.

"Take your time."

You have plenty now.