haziel don-gaultier 🗡 eight, cb3

I guess the truth is that I've never really based any aspect of myself on who I want to be. You know what I mean? It's always been more about what Ainara needed me to be. Not that I'm trying to trash on my sister- I wouldn't, and you won't either in my presence. It's just kinda how it is, though. She likes being center of attention. She's good at it, and I do my best to live up to the expectations the crowds have when I have to step in for her, but I'm never going to be her. And I don't want to be, you know? I hate the attention, it makes me feel like... someone else. It makes me feel like people enjoy me most when I'm trading out my usual, reserved, steadfast self for the pumped up, dialed to eleven mc self. Like they love me for being less me, or something. I don't know, I guess I just don't like being... looked at? Observed?

Judged?

I pretended it's what I wanted for so long I think I forgot it was a lie, but the fact is that when everyone leaves, I stay behind and clean because I'm good at it. When I miss the top performance of the night because I'm in the office in the back ordering more paper cups, it's because I fetch the best deals. I'm good at being the guy in the back. I enjoy that. I blamed Ainara too long for shining brighter than me, only to realize that I hated my time in the sun, and I think for a while we weren't as close because of it. But now? Nah, nothing's stoppin' us. We're going all the way up.