ira bellisario {d2} cbd3

I R A

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district two
twenty-one

Training had no direction. I wasted so much time trying to become someone that I lost track of who I already was and lost that along the way. There's an emptiness inside me, now, a feeling of dissatisfaction with life that comes with missing purpose. Being made to live a life so in love with the idea of prestige and honour has hurt my heart. Under the weight of my name, there is the matter of legacy and expectation and my body aches because where there is no future, there is also no forgiveness.

I am glass and there is a hammer floating over my head. Father holds it tightly between his fingers, but with each new sunrise I stay awake to see, his grip loosens, and I can see his eyes dulling as my shine fades. His hope is replaced by disappointment as his child begins to slip through his fingers into the ether. And what happens then? To be known as the favourite who became the familial failure because time was against them seems like a sorry story to live.

Living in the shadow of someone else certainly has its repercussions. Vanya's shadow in an impossible darkness to escape and I find myself worrying at night that I won't be able to mentally survive this age of uncertainty. How did I have everything so down, everything so close to being perfect — and now, how is it all so fleeting in its glory that it rushes by before I can even ask it to slow down? Time threatens to break the diamond I created.

So, I keep polishing my mind hoping that it will stop the shine from fading, but in the process, I have lost myself. I am blinded by our glory, but bound to it, too.

I think I'd rather break free than break.