pity partying [lottie/ellis]

You'd think my cardio would be better after running from law enforcement my entire life, yet here I stood with my lungs on fire after christening the rock climbing wall with my sweat. The trainer stood next to me, eyeing me closely as I breathed heavily against the cool tile of the training center wall. She had told me that although I couldn't always guarantee there would be somewhere to climb, I could always count on there being some sort of mentally and physically tough feat like tackling a rock climbing wall.

Shit, I breathed out in through my nose, and out through my mouth, my lungs hissing with every inhale I took. Guess that's what I get for coming from the District with the worst air quality.

"Do you want to try again?" the trainer asked, gripping the belay in her hands. I held up my hand. "I'll pass, thanks," I told her as my breaths finally calmed into a nice, circadian rhythm.

The past few days have been a blur. I was underperforming at almost every single station, even the easy ones like fire making. I had yet to find friends or allies - not that I trusted anyone around me, but survival always comes in numbers. I had barely even spoken to my mentors or even my District partner - my evenings were spent curled up in my luxurious Capitol bedroom, enjoying the solitude and avoiding the anxieties of the upcoming days.

Avoiding my thoughts altogether, actually. It seemed easier to pretend they didn't exist - my life back home, what devastating acts I would be sure to commit in the future. It was better to pretend I was nothing but an entity floating through time and space - like a simulation without thoughts or feelings or emotions. It was easier than facing reality.

It was how I got through most of the hardships in my life. Turning my brain off and relishing in the numbness of unconsciousness.

But that was easier said than done in the training center - because there were eyes all around, eyes of 23 other kids who were out to kill me. It was hard to think about all the reasons they were here. It made them more human than I wanted.

Everything sucks, I thought, as I turned around to the next person in line for the rock climbing wall. It was the girl from Two. I sniggered. Figures that probably the only person who actually wanted to be here would be eyeing me up like a predator waiting to snap.

Luckily enough for me people like her didn't scare me. At least that was one thing living in the slums trained me for.

"I think Two wants to give it a shot," I told the trainer, maintaining eye contact with the girl, "Don't let the lower district scum get in your way, please," I motioned to the wall and stepped out of the way, a snarky grin appearing on my face.