mount everest ain't got !@*^ || ellis, day two

"I have a thesis," I say to the sky, to everyone but no one in particular.

"I'm far from a philosopher."

"I've never been to church."

"God exists."

"The reason we're here... the meaning of life, or whatever the fuck,"

"We are a science experiment."

I sigh and giggle to myself as I rummage through my ruck sack, shaking my head in disbelief. My vision is starting to become clouded, and I knew if I didn't stop the bleeding on my forearm I would be blacking out soon.

I didn't know where Esther or Peter were. I had wandered off hours ago after Esther's blade struck the Devil's ivy one last time. 

They were somewhere nearby, I think. I hope.

I press a cloth to my wound, the crimson seeping through the cotton almost immediately. Shit. I didn't want to admit how badly the vines had hurt me, puncturing through my skin and tearing up the insides. Loose skin and blood stained the mech suit, leaving a trail scattered across the middle finger Peter had painted early.

Patrick was definitely laughing at me right now. It definitely reminded him of each time we had landed ourselves in danger - and how we just managed to scrape past each time, kneeling down on our knees to catch our breaths and laugh. 

"Science experiment," I laughed once again.

I'm going crazy, I think. I think this arena is turning me manic. 

It happens to everyone, right?

My thoughts drift to Esther's giggle as she brought her hand down upon the ivy. The crazed look in her eye. It was day two and I still knew nothing about Esther. 

Celeste's death was really taking a toll on her, I think.

It was taking a toll on all of us. Peter held it in well. The difference between the two of us was that Peter didn't fake anything. My composure was completely a farce - Peter didn't fake anything. There was nothing unnatural about him. He was authentic, he was everything I wasn't.

And I think that's why I don't trust him.

No one is ever that authentically themselves.

So either I was being lied to or the arena is going to swallow him whole - send all of his humanity out the window and I would be caught in the crossfire.

But I need him, and he needs me.

So I stay. 

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