nothing keeps me together at the seams || ellis day 8

I ran.

It was something I was good at in these games. Running. 

After the Bloodbath, I had boasted that I was the strong one. The one who shoved their emotions back, the one who could rationalize their next move because he was the least effected by the tragedy that surrounded them. 

But Oswald had taught me I was nothing but a coward. A runner. I chose flight every single time life I was faced with the choice. 

I ran from Oswald two times before I was forced to confront him. 

He barely had the chance to take any shots.

I am not human. But I'm not a monster either. No... I had to. I did what I had to. I fought. I stayed and I... I changed my fate. That's what the Games were all about, right? Changing the stacked odds against you? 

That's what I did, yet I still felt hollow. 

I wonder what my family was thinking. Were they happy I had made it this far? That there was only one more body- no, kid, to go until I could come home? Or were they disgusted with me that I turned my back on my only friend in here?

Would I be able to look them in the eye when I came home?

Would I be disgusted with myself?

Numbness fuelled my body as it had after the Bloodbath. Oswald's blood covered me - maybe a bit of my own, but mostly his - yet I couldn't feel anything. 

I was losing myself and all I could do was grasp frantically into the unknown trying to retrieve it. Ellis a week ago wouldn't do this. Ellis a week ago was rationalizing keeping Peter's useless ass around. Ellis a week ago preached comradery, a sense of family with some random ass kids from 3, 6 and 11 who he barely knew. 

And now Ellis today was alone, covered in blood that wasn't his own, running from the consequences of his actions. 

Oswald died hating me.

Maybe somewhere, sometime, wherever people go after they die, he'd forgive me. He could look at me and see me as the person I once was - he would smile his signature cheeky grin, and all would be what it was before.

I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

It was official.

I had lost myself.