sabine 🌻 d10, fin

fox Graphics 1,363 POSTS Pronouns: she/her last seen Apr 25, 2024 12:23:42 GMT -5 but a butt ?	sabine 🌻 d10, fin Aug 21, 2022 20:15:52 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by fox on Aug 21, 2022 20:15:52 GMT -5 sabine rietveld, seventeen
	Last Edit: Aug 23, 2022 19:23:31 GMT -5 by fox

fox
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1,363 POSTS

Pronouns: she/her
last seen Apr 25, 2024 12:23:42 GMT -5

but a butt ?

sabine 🌻 d10, fin Aug 23, 2022 15:28:31 GMT -5

Quote

Post by fox on Aug 23, 2022 15:28:31 GMT -5

you must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall
– rilke

the autumn smells of copper, thick in the air, it's the gold of the wheat, it's the red of skulls and hands and shears. Ma would always say to stay out of the fields, the grove, the barns. but i was thirteen between the hay bales, kissing a girl who smelled like lavender, her hair pressed between my palms and her cheeks. i was eleven out by the creek, catching frogs, ankle deep in the cool, pillowy foam. i was ten and sobbing my eyes out, with Betty in my arms, blood in the grass, heads in the grass, three farmhands in the middle of culling the chickens.

i never was good at listening to her.

i see her, how she's distraught over the way i'm growing up, wringing her hands over another thing i've done. she tells me i'm a lady, and she and i must think of girlhood differently –

because it's not so delicate, it's not just the waiting and wondering, the dying at the slightest touch.

and it is,

but it's also thunderclaps and the burgundy night, the magic of summer, monarchs on the milkweeds, on your hair. it's unearthing fossils in the meadows and blood on your hands too. life is like that, a mess, a wonder, fragile, a fist.

i think i want to be a writer. i like the way the world looks, like it's something iridescent when the light hits it right and that's what writing is really, this beam of gold on all the parts that feel like dirt and fragments, glittering when you hold it up to the sun.

Pa says girls in Ten don't become writers. he says Julian will take over the farm someday and i'll be married into a good family. and Julian is pragmatic and Julian is like stone, and so he agrees to this idea of being with his silence, his sternness. he's been a grave since he's turned eighteen, adulthood the death of him and the days when we lived on sunlight, and how he'd sing to Betty, and how he'd draw a library of flowers in the study.

something happened there, between seventeen and eighteen. our parents watch me expectantly, wait for me to grow up too.

i think i'd rather die then.

it's funny, how Ma thinks it's the clothes or the tangled hair or the things i like, as if it's where all the willfulness and all the waywardness comes from. and it is, and it's more than that too.

so i ditch and hide by the creek when the other mothers come with their sons. what a nice boy, Ma will remark over rose tea in the nice china, and how's the business going? he's taking over isn't he? they speak in the undertones of matchmaking, for a marriage that won't happen for another decade but it's a tethering for business, for security, it's growing up.

i'll excuse myself, and sometimes, the boy will come too. we'll sit near the bubbling water, listening to the buzzing of dragonflies over the clear peal of the stream, sharing the cigarette i rolled up my sleeve. sometimes we'll talk, sometimes we won't. i think of Armin Thayer and how he sat on the bank, how he said to the breeze without looking at me don't worry, i think i'm never going to marry.

we buried a tin box of his ma's pills and some cigarettes by the trunk of a tree. it's ritual now.

so i write about all of it in the middle of night, so i try to be anyone else in my stories. no expectations, no can or can't, no rule of life.

just me. and my chicken.

life is like that, terrifying, beautiful, horrible, bright.

life is like that.

Last Edit: Aug 23, 2022 19:23:08 GMT -5 by fox

fox Graphics 1,363 POSTS Pronouns: she/her last seen Apr 25, 2024 12:23:42 GMT -5 but a butt ?	sabine 🌻 d10, fin Aug 23, 2022 19:25:49 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by fox on Aug 23, 2022 19:25:49 GMT -5 ripred_bot

ryan Advertiser 2,907 POSTS Pronouns: he/him last seen Apr 28, 2024 1:43:59 GMT -5 over the moon, where all the wild things are	sabine 🌻 d10, fin Aug 23, 2022 21:54:59 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by ryan on Aug 23, 2022 21:54:59 GMT -5 This is GORGEOUS OMG. xoxo xx Accepted!