wilting /pollux

It doesn't get better.

Pollux sits there with his head in his hands while Wolf calls down to get him moved. He doesn't want to call at first, Pollux has to insist.

"They're gonna stick you with needles and shit down there," Wolf says. There's this desperate look on his face but he doesn't want to admit that he's scared he's never going to see him again if he goes.

Same look Pollux would get when Cass had to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night.

Maybe this will be the last time I'll ever see him.

But it never was.

"Far as we know, you're not sick yet. So get away from me and call 'em," Pollux says and then that's when his head gets too heavy and he has to hold it up with his palms, shaking gently from the effort of just that.

Wolf's voice sounds too close but too far away all at once and it's better like this because his eyes hurt just from being open. There's a drum beat in the back of his head, Wolf matches its rhythm with his words, almost like he can hear it too.

"Hmm?" Pollux says.
"I said they're coming to get you," Wolf says and it's like his voice is a canon.
"Shoes?" Pollux says and kicks at one feebly.

He watches Wolf get down on his knees in front of him, feels it dully as his best friend guides his foot into a sneaker. His hands shake, the laces slip from his fingers twice.

"It's okay," Pollux says softly, "I'm like, indestructible dude." But he doesn't feel that way, not right now. It's easier to understand Cass like this, room spinning every time he tries to turn his gaze. It's maddening enough being sick even just for a day, let alone a lifetime.

"This thing's killing people, Lux," Wolf says, tone hard and flat as if he can keep fear from slipping out through his mouth that way. "And you've been...."

The pause is too long but Pollux knows what he's getting at.

"Say it," he says, because this might be the only chance.
"Since Cass died. You haven't been okay."

Odd thing. Strange. He's supposed to move on because it's been four years and that's long enough to mourn someone in Panem. Maybe too long. He knows it too, has seen the way people have changed around him. He was used to getting looked at weird, he was the kid with the sick brother who was going to die young. Pollux was always getting ready for that, thought he had it under control.

But their parents never did. Their parents did everything they could to keep Cass alive, they even took from Pollux, first his blood, then a lobe of his liver, stem cells, bits of his intestine, his lung, a kidney, everything to keep Cass alive.

And maybe, for a moment, Pollux let himself hope that all of it was going to work.He started making real plans, got himself a job so he could start saving. They were going to open a bookstore together, Lux was going to take Cass away from their parents and all their rules. They were going to live in an apartment above the shop, maybe they'd get Cass a dog to help him see. It was going to be great.

Then Cass volunteered.

"How am I supposed to be okay?" he asks, "Half of me is gone. What do you fuckin' want me to be?"

Wolf just looks at him and Pollux knows it isn't fair to get mad at him. He's lost people too, countless people and some of them are even still alive.

But he's still mad.

thump. thump.

The noise is like a baseball bat to the head. Pollux cringes, then curls his fingers over his ears in defence. He can still see. The door opens and three people covered in white hazmat suits pour in. One beelines straight for Wolfgang, the other two for Pollux. There's a mask being pulled over his mouth, then arms gather him up into the air and the room is spinning and the people are turning and one of them's blocking Wolfgang from coming closer but his mouth is opening, then closing, opening again.

And they're taking him away and Pollux is never going to see Wolfgang again and just like how it was with everyone else in Wolf's life, Pollux is looking right through him. Like he's not even there at all anymore.

And that isn't how he wants pollux to be.

"Alive!," he calls out, "I want you to be alive."

But Pollux is already halfway down the hall.