Wyatt Snowspire d10 {fin}

w y a t t .


"I’m not important, and neither are you
So let’s do whatever we wanna do
Bask in our cosmic insignificance
Soak up this blip we’re livin’ in
‘Cause nothing matters anyway
Isn’t that great?"

Comedy is a conversation. And comedians like me get to say what’s everyone else is thinking. It’s almost like—a superpower or something. Wow, I haven’t seen an audience this dead since the last time I was in front of Professor Cheng’s collection. See what I mean? Everyone knows her freaky dolls are a major red flag, but nobody wants to say it. You might get detention. You might hurt the feelings of anyone else with a fixation on glass or porcelain.

But you dress it up just right and bang baby! Hear that? It’s the sound of laughter. And maybe, maybe someone learns not to take themselves so seriously. Because cripes, that’s all anyone in snowspire does. I’m convinced that Erras is going to die tragically of a burst blood vessel, brought on by an overreaction to a fashion crime. Somebody ought to tell him that divas are soooo ten years ago.

And that’s the beauty of it. Everyone knows it’s just a bit. I don’t mean anything by it, it’s just observations about life with a bit of sarcasm and a couple winks thrown in. And maybe most of the time I don’t mean anything by it. Some jokes are just that. I know all about it.  You know how hard it was to get people to stop needling me about my freckles? About my hair? About how easily I burn in the sun? 

Never mind, I don't want to think about that. 

You know, the other day, I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, the problem is good players are hard to find. About as hard to find as the headmaster’s birth certificate. But he’s only in his fifties, honest. You’ll always stay young if you eat right, get enough sleep and lie about your age.

Remember kids, if they aren’t laughing with you, they’re laughing at you. And boy, snowspire is the gift that just keeps on giving. I’ll never run out of material. Just yesterday I asked Novah if any chickens have asked her for help getting to the other side. There’s a joke in there about the cafeteria too, I just gotta find it.

When you’re raised by snakes and around snakes you gotta learn how to dilute the venom.

Take this bit I’ve been working on for example.

A-hem.

You know, I got a D on my chemistry final, and boy, let me tell you, I felt about as useless as Kaine does when Ignis decides to stomp his face in, like he’s probably going to do tomorrow under the oak tree in the quad, at 11:30am on the way to lunch. Get your tickets now! And take the hint, Kaine. Maybe sit in the library, or y’know, with people?

Hmm, it’s a bit on the nose. Let me scratch that one out.

Jeez, what else do I have? Jokes about the professors and the games are getting old. I’ve lost my mojo.

The jokes aren’t landing as well. I think I’m distracted. I’m not a malicious person, you see. But lately I’m struggling to come up with material that isn’t thinly veiled insults. I’m not like an angry person or anything, just frustrated.

How about this?

Horses aren’t the only thing Grant rides these days.

Maybe something about Dolly?

I chew on my pencil and then scribble it out.

They make a fastidious couple. She’s fast, he’s hideous.

Gah, that sucks. Needs work.

I mean, I’m not going to come right out and say it, that’d ruin the setup for next joke about catfights having nothing on Hanna and Farah.

Screw it. I toss my pen and pad onto the desk. Lately, I can’t think straight.

You ever notice that the kids that get adopted never write back? I mean, come on fellas. When was the last time anyone heard from Quinn or Oscar? Or Yusif? You think he would have apologized to Viola for breaking her heart. No dice. It’s okay my, man. She’s doing okay now, not that you care.

Life sure must be grand out there in the district, all the steak dinners and moonshine a cowboy could want.

At least that’s one theory.

Some people have said it’s got to be an underground fight club, an illicit, back alley hunger games.

Me? I think there’s too much that doesn’t add up around here. Like the deliveryman. But I doubt they’re just sending us off to die. Gotta be shipping people off to the capitol to be avoxes. Why else go through all the trouble of encouraging our skills and slamming us with all the rules.

I bet a whole slew of us are kicking around the capitol with no tongues, dancing and painting for people rich enough to own us. I know, I know, singers or comedians with no tongue? It doesn’t work. Just a theory. I’ve shared it with a friend of mine but he’s a little occupied.

Hey, speaking of friends, you ever realize that you aren’t as close to someone as you thought?

Maybe it starts off as something small. They get busy more often. Cancel plans. You realize they were hanging out with someone else and didn’t want you to tag along. You don’t see them as often and text messages get shorter and shorter. Then they forget your birthday, and your invitation to theirs gets lost in the mail.

That’s how it happens sometimes. Slow like that.

For other people, its fast.

It’s a handful of stolen glances at a girl he asked out first and jokes that weren’t really jokes.

Watch out, man, your girl keeps staring at me like that, I’m going to give her a reason to.

I mean, one minute I was coming up with material involving bikes for my best friend and the next I was plowing a field in the greenhouse and just scattering seed everywhere. Everywhere. And afterwards, I realized what I’d done and that I was okay with it. She’s gorgeous and fun, and I was tired of always being second best in his shadow.

But I also know that no amount of knee-slappers and groan-worthy puns are going to make up for what happened. The noises we were making weren’t applause folks; in case I have to spell it out for you. Meet my pal, Sy. Best friend I ever had. The joke is on him, you see.

What he doesn’t know is that I’m not his best friend.

Haven’t been for at least a year.

A best friend wouldn’t have done what I did with his gal.

Ha.

Man, you know for the resident funny man I don’t really like laughing anymore.

I'll see myself out.